Note to Self: It’ll All Be Okay
“Breathe in, breathe out” is what I repeat in my head during a panic attack when I feel like I’m suffocating and everything around me is being blurry. This usually happens more often than I’d like it to, especially when my anxiety and depression are teaming up and winning at that.
As I’ve written before, mental health has always been essential to me, more so recently after going through a rough winter (holiday season included), grieving after a shocking loss in my family, struggling with finding a new job, financial difficulties, ending a relationship that I really wanted to work out, and losing myself all in the process. These past few months have been an endless struggle, an emotional struggle where I found myself crying about something almost every single day. However, I’ve been finding out more about myself that I haven’t realized before.
I spent most of the winter feeling lonely, cold, and unsure of my place in the world. It’s like I felt invisible until it was time to go to work and deal with the outside world. But even then, I still feel like I’m invisible and out of place. Every winter for the past few years, I’ve gotten seasonal depression at some point; this time, it’s been worse than it’s ever been before. The worst thing about seasonal depression that I’ve noticed is that you never really know its root and where it’s coming from. At least, I never do, but I like to think of everything that had happened before I started feeling that way.
It typically starts with some sort of event that causes you to feel down; in my case, it would be a sudden death in the family. There have been deaths around me that have definitely shocked me, but this one was the one that, to this day, I’m still not over it and still don’t believe that it has happened. It made me realize how fragile life is in general and that saying how “tomorrow is not promised.” Things could easily change in a second, so it’s essential to live in the moment and not stress too much about what happened yesterday or what you think will happen in the future.
It also made me realize how there are people around you that you’ve made a significant impact on without you even knowing. I always think I’m invisible and pretty forgettable, but I know I’m surrounded by people who don’t believe that. I’m constantly overthinking if I said the right thing or if what I said came off the wrong way. I’m always scared that I push others away when they could just be busy with their lives, and there’s nothing against me.
There’s also me stressing so much about my future, trying to follow through with living in the moment. Filling out numerous job applications, making sure my resume looks decent, writing many cover letters, and hoping something will come along. After having my degree for some years now, I’m hoping I can use it soon and work in the field I’ve been trying to maneuver into for some time now. I try to keep it in the back of my head that I will receive the job I want soon and not stop applying and making moves.
I’ve also struggled with increased loneliness, which has been ongoing for months now. I know I’m not alone, but I am simultaneous. What made it even more confusing was that I had seen someone for months but still felt like I was lonely. I didn’t even know that feeling could be possible. It made me question myself a lot; I became increasingly attached to this person, feeling great when we were together and doing things, but I still felt lonely. The only conclusion I could come up with was ways to end our thing and see how I would be apart from them. I still feel lonely and hurt, but I know I need to take care of myself now, and maybe our paths will cross in the future. Now it’s my time to just focus on myself.
I’m still processing everything that has happened within the past few months, and this year has been rocky so far. In the meantime, I’ve repeatedly been telling myself that it’ll all be okay. I put so much pressure on myself to make things work when I’m still young and growing each and every day. I also try to remember that I am not the only one going through a rough patch right now. Deep down, things are meant to happen, regardless of whether it’s good or bad, and in the end, it’ll all be okay. Just breathe in, and breathe out.
