How to Decorate a Christmas Tree: 5 Tips for the Domesticated Man

Tip #5 is a game changer.

I’ve been married for a few years now — thirteen to be exact. In that time, I’ve found myself in my fair share of marital pickles.

Take for instance, the Christmas of 2013. It was Dec 1st, and my wife was pregnant with our first child. With her due date only seven days away, and being incapacitated with a nine pound baby in her belly, she so graciously tasked me with decorating the Christmas tree.

It was a learning experience, to say the least.

What should have taken me two hours — took five.

I was completely unprepared for what seemed like such a simple task.

The good news is — you don’t have to fail. Because, I’m here to help.

After all, isn’t that what the Christmas season is about anyways — helping your fellow man?

So gents, if you find yourself in a similar situation, here are a few pro tips to help you out.

1. Grab your favorite cold beverage and take some big deep breaths.

Thats right, before you begin, grab your beverage of choice (Topo Chico for me) and take some long, big, deep breaths.

Take a second to mentally prepare yourself.

You’re going to hit some snags…

The lights are going to be tangled…

The dog and/or your kids are going to get in the way.

Acceptance is the key here, guys.

It is what it is. Deep breaths.

2. Put the lights on first.

If you hang the garland and ornaments on the tree first, you are going to have a Hell of a time stringing the Christmas lights around, under, and through them.

Put the lights on first.

I learned this lesson the hard way a few years back.

Sure, this is common sense. But men, you know as well as I do, that most of us are fish out of water this time of year, and sometimes common sense is just in short supply.

Also, be generous with the lights. The brighter, the better.

3. Go HAM on the garland.

You can’t have too many lights, and you can’t have too much garland.

The more garland you put on the tree the more it will distract from improper spacing of ornaments (for help spacing ornaments see next step).

I advise sticking to one color of garland. Although you might be feeling a little froggy at this point, as you polish off your second or third beverage, it’s better to let the ornaments add different colors. We don’t want your tree to end up looking like a Jackson Pollock painting.

4. Hang the big ornaments first, then the smaller ones.

This will help you more evenly space out the ornaments.

Scatter the big ornaments evenly around the tree. Then fill in the gaps with the smaller ones.

This tip is not a cure all for the artistically challenged. But, it will definitely help.

5. Put the boxes back in your attic or basement as soon as humanly possible.

This serves two purposes.

First, it will look like you cleaned up after yourself.

Brownie points for you.

Secondly, in the likely event that your significant other points out the flaws in your holiday masterpiece, she is 75% less likely to ask you to fix them if the boxes are already neatly packed away (I cannot site that statistic).

I hope these tips help you in your holiday decorating.

Now, go forth and be merry.