I Liked A Boy.

A journey of discovery, infatuation, and innocence

Last year I wrote a collection of poems highlighting some emotions that I had at the time. Below are six acts. Each shows a different aspect of the journey. I hope you enjoy and connect.

Act 1: Can’t shake that feeling.

It hurts too much…so I am just going to write it out. Writing things out is easier than keeping it all on the inside. Some people would think I am weird because I am writing my personal thoughts out on the internet, but honestly, no one really cares — so I’m good.

The truth is I have this weird feeling at the bottom of my stomach. 
I have never liked someone like this before. 
I have so many other things to do, but when I think of him I feel…happy….happily distracted. 
I don’t know what to do because I am the only person who knows how I feel because I am the only me.
I wouldn’t say my isolation is a new thing…..
I try to talk to people about it, but the feeling won’t go away 
It won’t dissolve
In the past, the feeling just went away when I talked about it with other people
This feeling is just growing and growing and growing….
I don’t know where this will end up
I don’t know where to go from here
I am happy and I am uncertain
I have so much to do in my life right now and I don’t need this 
It’s not even a dramatic experience
This is so new and different to me 
God help me, God help me

Act 2: Fighting It

I keep writing,
I keep writing to get these thoughts out
I keep writing to rid myself of the emotions that have consumed
I write to stay sane
I write to remember
I write to separate
I write to try and elevate,
my understanding of this
my understanding of us
Why must this be so much for me
Why did it have to happen now
I don’t want this
I don’t want this
Why are my emotions here, for you?
Why does this feel so,
real and true
Why does this attraction feel,
foreseen. (but not by me)

Act 3: I’ve Fallen

Some days I just want to be with him.

I don’t know what it is, but he makes me very happy…..there are so many things that make us different, but there are so many things that make us very similar. He’s funny and has potential. He’s patient and kind. He’s unassuming yet strong willed. He’s stubborn but strangely lenient. Every time I try to pull away, I get pulled back into his sphere. I don’t know if our worlds work together, but maybe we’ll end up making our own.

My first love? I don’t know. I don’t think so. Some days I think of kissing him…sweet and simple. Some days I wish that other factors didn’t matter, that there weren’t certain responsibilities. Some days I wish I could be completely care-free. The things I would do with that….but life isn’t that simple. — I’d like us to be together one day. I’d like us to grow together. He doesn’t stifle my strong will or big dreams, he encourages them. He doesn’t seem to be intimidated by my personality or goals. He doesn’t shrink at my hobbies. I guess I’ve met people like that before, but none gave me the look like he does — a certain romantic look that I can never shake. He reminds me of a puppy who tries to be a big dog. He has a soft heart.

I don’t know what our future is…or if it will be together, but I can say that I am growing to like him…alot. I could never say this to his face, however. Every time I text him or snapchat him or talk to him on the phone I feel it. Some days it goes away, but then it comes back like a huge wave. This sense of intimacy I’ve never yearned for before. I always thought I was ok. It may be love, it may not…but whatever it is, it’s here and gosh it wants to stay.

Act 4: Goodbye Pt. 1

It’s not that I don’t see us together
It’s not that I don’t feel the bond we share
It’s that I know where it will lead
I know that we can’t go there….just not yet
I know I don’t want to lose you
I thank God for you
You make me want to be better
You don’t push me down
You remind me that I was destined for great things
It’s not that I don’t see us together
I just know that this is a road we can’t come back from

Act 5: Goodbye Pt. 2

I guess my hesitation was a sign,
We were never “meant to be”
Youth is foolishness
Feelings are fleeting
the moments we shared are important
they are a mark
they are an indication
that this happened
and for a moment in time
all was ok…

Act 6: The Finale (Goodbye for real this time)

I told you I liked you in May. 
We had our first phone call then too.
We talked for eight hours straight in June. 
I thought I might love you in July. 
We laughed all the way through August.
We had our first meeting in September.
I fell out of infatuation in October.
Maybe if I write out our history, it won’t be forgotten.
Youth is foolish.
Youth is fleeting.
Youth is a lesson.
I have no answers, 
I only have recollections.