10 Ways to Make Your Next Album Release More Artisanal
By Ace Revalk
Have you been seeing more gals in throwback dresses and guys in suspenders and wondering how you can waltz your band into the current bygone-is-nowtro trend? Fret not, dear reader, for we’ve compiled a list to help your band grab the ramshackle coattails of the movement and ride them to the top.
1. In lieu of a booklet insert, painstakingly etch your lyrics onto thrift store mason jars.
2. Sell your record as a vintage artisan burnt sienna leather satchel handbag where the removable rustic strap doubles as a flash drive with your album on it.
3. Guarantee that every purchase comes with one plank of unfinished reclaimed barn wood.
4. Cross-stich the liner notes onto the back of your cut-off denim jackets.
5. Make sure your adjective/animal band name has a genuine retro craft logo design insignia.
6. Run the tour van on beard oil.
7. Carve your bass player into a solid elm Arts & Crafts style dining chair.
8. Tour on bespoke penny-farthing antique bicycles. Equip them with rusty birdcages filled with sparrows, bees, butterflies, and teacup piglets.
9. Replace all drum stands with hand-crafted mid-century modern Danish wooden legs with brass ferrule tips.
10. All approved press photos must have straight-faced members staggered in a field of tall grass at sunset.
The above is a work of satire. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental … although entirely likely.
Originally published at www.thebluegrasssituation.com on January 4, 2016.