SAN FRANCISCO (The Blunt Ogre) — At a recent press conference with House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, the California Democrat revealed that recent conspiracy theories floating around Twitter were actually true. Pelosi admitted that those who have accused the Democrats of being responsible for Trump’s Covid-19 diagnosis were, in fact, correct.
Pelosi went on to explain how she alone was primarily behind the plot to make sure Donald Trump contracted covid-19.
“What’s being said on Twitter is actually true, I basically masterminded the entire thing,” Pelosi told reporters, and further stated, “I knew that by telling the President that he should wear a mask, that he would not, thus making it inevitable that he would catch Covid-19.”
Pelosi continued to describe how it was vital for Trump to see her as the champion of mask-wearing, rather than one of his allies.
“If the President had been told by FoxNews to wear a mask, then he certainly would have,” Pelosi explained, “so I made certain that Geraldo Rivera saw me on TV wearing a really colorful one.”
FoxNews personality Geraldo Rivera, along with other prominent Fox figures, have been outspoken about their position that Covid-19 protections are bad for the economy, and should be abandoned. Earlier this year, Rivera went so far as to claim that if someone can hold their breath for more than 10 seconds, then they cannot spread Covid-19. Rivera has also been an ardent supporter of Trump, and the President’s defiance of everything normal and decent, and has been critical of absolutely everything Speaker Pelosi does and says.
“A few months ago, Mr. Rivera heard that I had started drinking Coca-Cola, so he went back to Pepsi,” Pelosi explained, “so I knew he would do the same with Masks.”
She further described just how deep and diabolical her plot truly was, “not only did I know that President Trump wouldn’t wear a mask, but I knew that he would insist that everyone around him not wear them as well,” the Speaker explained, “and this led to the superspreader event.” Pelosi went on to say that “because President Trump believes that he is a superhero, I knew that if I even suggested that he might be vulnerable to Covid-19, then he would do everything he could to prove me wrong, including actually catching the coronavirus.”
After Trump had tested positive for Covid-19, Pelosi apparently called Senator Chuck Schumer in New York and joked with him about how they had even managed to get Chris Christie in New Jersey. “That was just extra credit, for our friend in NJ with a few extra pounds,” Schumer cajoled. He went on to say “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this earlier. All this time we were trying to impeach the President, we should have just asked for China’s help in the first place.”
After Trump was released from the hospital, he made a show on the White House lawn where he proudly panted while thumping his chest. Trump has denied that Dems were responsible for him catching the virus and has refused to give Pelosi credit, only saying that “I managed to do this on my own, I didn’t need her help, I don’t need anyone’s help, and now I know more about how to catch the Coronavirus than Joe Biden.”
White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany was contacted for comment, but she couldn’t respond due to being unable to breathe.
The Blunt Ogre is a publication focused on satire and witty social commentary. Everything expressed in this article is based on opinion, fiction, or both.