A Major Cause of Crippling Loneliness Might Be Lack of Self-Esteem

Here’s how to make time spent alone enjoyable rather than painful and build self-worth

Bridget Webber
Jan 6 · 6 min read
Photo by ActionVance on Unsplash

oneliness doesn’t only spring from solitude. The biggest loneliness of all comes from a lack of self-esteem. Self-worth, whereby you recognize your intrinsic value, improves resilience and anchors you. Without it, you are at the mercy of other people to boost your morale.

What is loneliness?

Loneliness is a sense of separation. We might imagine it only stems from being isolated from people. The truth, though, is many people are desperately lonely despite having family, friends, colleagues, and a wide social network.

Only certain kinds of relationships quell loneliness when you don’t see your own company as valuable and fulfilling. The most satisfying relationships involve quality presence. They are the best.

Nonetheless, if you recognize you can give yourself quality attention and self-regard, you aren’t desperate to find attention elsewhere. You might still benefit from it and value it, but not getting it won’t make you devastatingly lonely.

We all know some people are more present when we are with them than others, and how good that intimacy makes us feel. Giving yourself a high level of presence and respect eases that feeling of separation. It shifts loneliness and provides a rock-solid core.

Isolation from people

It’s true, you may be lonely because you can’t be with or don’t know many people. We all need company sometimes. It’s necessary to build a few superior relationships with trustworthy pals. But being with people isn’t always the secret to expelling loneliness.

Some relationships are unhelpful too. If you feel unheard, misunderstood, or people don’t gel with you on a personal level. It’s easy to feel isolated if you rely on them to make you feel valued.

The answer is to work on your resilience and end low self-esteem. When possible, you might improve your relationships too, or move on. But self-worth is a prerequisite to feeling fine by yourself.

Lack of acceptance increases loneliness when you need more self-esteem

You might be lonely if your partner, or family members, don’t accept you as a whole. The impact of unsatisfactory relationships intensifies, however, if you rely on them to make you feel special and worthwhile.

It’s isolating to feel unaccepted by others when you don’t accept yourself. You live in a state of discomfort. There’s a separation from your core nature, your wise higher self, and a healthy self-image.

What’s connection got to do with self-esteem?

Self-esteem stems from an intimacy with your inner nature. Social connection is intimacy with another person. It’s healthy to have both types of connection in your life, but without self-esteem you’ll always feel lonely. You’ll get upset and experience emotional isolation because your sense of value is low and your wellbeing depends on other people.

Without their positive input, you’re like an untethered sailboat drifting in a storm. Let self-esteem be the anchor that grounds you.

Connection improves self-esteem and reduces isolation

The connection spoken of here is about the nature of knowing yourself. It’s not about connecting with others so much. Although, of course, it’s human nature to thrive when you have healthy relationships. But we’re mostly talking about loneliness generated by feeling separate, whether you have people around you or not.

When you connect with your true nature, you are less lonely, no matter your circumstances, and this is good to know. It’s helpful because it means, even if you live alone or don’t get on with the people you see most, you can reduce your unhappiness with self-esteem.

Connecting with yourself helps you see events differently. If your partner doesn’t understand you, you have inner resilience because you don’t rely on their opinion for self-esteem. You ‘know’ who you are and recognize your inner light shines. Someone can be disrespectful or unpleasant, but their behavior won’t cause you pain when you are connected to your essence.

Self-esteem lessens that sense of isolation when you are alone, too. Ideally, you’ll connect with others if you can, but you also need to connect with yourself.

How do you self-connect?

You connect with yourself, and give yourself quality presence, when you recognize you create your inner experiences. You are in charge of your emotional state and generate your moods. If you think circumstances are outside of your control and other people steer your inner experience, you lose your power. You give it away and loneliness grows.

1. Notice you’ve the power to influence your emotional state

The first step to self-connectivity, and terrific self-esteem, is to realize you can change your inner state. You need not rely on anything or anyone else to do it for you. This doesn’t mean you should exist alone. It means you can build your resilience and recognize you need not fall apart when you are by yourself or in relationships that don’t nourish you.

To connect with yourself, increase your awareness of the way you influence your frame of mind. Note how certain songs make you feel, and other things like colors, scents, and your environment. Recognize what you do matters too.

If you take a hot bubble bath, you’ll enjoy a better mood than if you hunch in an uncomfortable chair for the evening. In that chair, you’re likely to feel lonely. In the bath, you’ll gain comfort, warmth, and your brain will register self-care.

Something as simple as a hot bath can’t cure loneliness. Of course not.

But self-care is part of gifting yourself quality presence and honoring your inner nature. When you treat yourself with respect and love, you gain positive results, just like you do when someone else does these things for you.

2. Enjoy quality time with yourself

Lonely people are alone, or feel alone, yet they rarely spend quality time with themselves. Their experience of being alone sucks. It entails going over problems and wishing they were somewhere else or doing something different with others. They don’t like time alone. If the cap fits, it’s something to work on.

Get used to carrying out enjoyable pursuits. Don’t wait for someone to join you before you cook a fabulous meal and make your home inviting. Create a positive atmosphere and engage in the things you like on your own. Send your psyche the message you matter and your brain will register your value.

3. Engage in mindfulness

Stay in the moment. Rather than let your mind time travel to the past or future, be present. Slow down your movements and immerse yourself in the experience of washing the dishes, cleaning the car, or walking your dog. Doing so will give your mind a break from stress and make the current moment pleasant.

You’ll connect with your true nature because thoughts from your higher self won’t be blocked. Since you’re not time-traveling, you can enjoy the moment and get to like it, even when you are by yourself.

4. Meditate

You can carry out traditional meditation, sitting cross-legged with your eyes closed. Or you might meditate on music, pouring your attention into it, or meditate another way. There are many contemplation methods from which to choose.

When you meditate, you get in touch with your core nature, reduce anxiety, and find peace. Then you can’t feel lonely because your experience is positive.

5. Practice positive self-regard

Realize your thoughts, however dark at times, reflect your level of perception in that moment. Think of them as recordings you receive when you tune to specific frequencies. If you dislike them, it’s time to re-tune. When you practice positive self-regard, you’ll find a healthier frequency on auto-pilot.

Positive self-regard comes from self-acceptance, self-forgiveness, and appreciation of yourself as a natural wonder of the world. Forgive your mistakes. They are stepping stones to mastery. Praise your personal qualities and understand you are unique. There’s no one on Earth with the exact qualities you possess, and your presence on the planet is a miracle.

6. Do your best

If carrying out the suggested steps to self-esteem takes time, don’t worry. It might be hard. That’s okay. It will get easier. Pat yourself on the back because you’re doing a good job. You’re on your way to strengthening your core resilience and saying goodbye to loneliness for good.

Loneliness stems from a lack of connection, creating separation. You’ll benefit from building quality intimate relationships when possible. The most important relationship and connectivity you’ll benefit from, however, is with you. Self-esteem will stop crippling loneliness and make those times you are by yourself enjoyable rather than painful.

Copyright © 2021 Bridget Webber. All rights reserved

Bridget Webber is the author of Nature Poems To Warm The Heart And Nurture The Soul and The Warm Hum of Bees: A poem book about life, love, and living.

The Bolt-Hole

Self-improvement, stories, and poems

Bridget Webber

Written by

Independent content creator, ghostwriter, author https://tinyurl.com/y2cgqhgv mental health advocate, and poet. bridgetwebbber@outlook.com

The Bolt-Hole

Self-improvement, stories, and poems

Bridget Webber

Written by

Independent content creator, ghostwriter, author https://tinyurl.com/y2cgqhgv mental health advocate, and poet. bridgetwebbber@outlook.com

The Bolt-Hole

Self-improvement, stories, and poems

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