Channeling Anger

Today, I learned an important lesson about anger. In another post, I wrote about what happened to me when anger and rage took over my mind.

At that time, I used my anger to lash out at the people who were making me angry. In addition, I turned that anger inward into a deep self-loathing.

Eventually, the pressure became so great that my mind kind of collapsed. Thereafter, my mind apparently went on a little break. There was a time when I felt like I was in “la la land.” After a few months of rest, I thought I was fully healed.

And, then something happened over the weekend that helped me to understand that I had some additional work to do. I had to develop a deeper understanding of anger. In particular, I had to come to terms with my own anger.

Growing up, I was always highly emotional. In fact, nearly every single embarrassing, regretful, humiliating, painful, and unfortunate experience I have ever had has been the result of me losing control in one way or another.

I did not learn how to have any degree of reasonable control over my emotions until I started meditating. For me, meditation and mindfulness saved my life. Meditation calmed my mind, and the mindfulness techniques I learned helped me to gain control over my emotions.

In 2016, right after I was hospitalized due to stress, I started meditating heavily. After a while, I was kind of walking around in permanent zen-mode. During this time, I would not let anything bother me. At that time, anger was the enemy. I mistakenly thought that anger was an unwanted emotion.

I was shocked to discover that, during this time of zen, my husband had escalated his affair with a co-worker. When I discovered the affair, part of the reason I was so angry is because the affair occurred during a time when things were calm and peaceful during my marriage.

I imagine that my husband painted a picture of me as some hysterical, overly emotional being. And, to be perfectly honest, there were times during my marriage when I was an emotional wreck.

If I were still the emotional beast I was when we first got married, there is a part of me that may have understood how something like that could have happened. I certainly would not have liked it. But, an affair during a troubled time in a marriage is not unthinkable. The fact that the affair occurred during a period of calm during our marriage fueled my anger.

When I found out about the affair, all my peace and calm, and zen-like approach to life, were put aside pretty quickly. Instead, I exploded. And, I continued to explode until I eventually had a mental breakdown.

This experience taught me an important thing about anger. It does not go anywhere. It simply takes on a different form. If you don’t find a way to process it, there is the potential that it will come out in ways that you do not understand and cannot control. I learned that lesson the hard way.

A similar pattern unfolded recently.

I had interviewed for a job a few weeks back. At the end of the interviews, I was almost certain that I would receive an offer. My resume and background were perfectly aligned with the job position. And, my interviews went extremely well. On Friday, however, I learned that I did not get the job.

A couple days later, I discovered some information that led me to conclude that the reason I did not get the job had nothing to do with my background, resume, or interviews. I discovered that one of the interviewers was friendly with a former male colleague of mine.

This particular former male colleague once made some suggestive remarks to me during an out-of-town business trip. When his “suggestive” language and actions did not result in a liaison, he lashed out at me professionally. In fact, he has lashed out at me on multiple occasions for over a decade. As a female attorney in an industry heavily dominated by men, his voice is a lot bigger and louder than mine.

Upon discovering this man’s connection to this most recent potential employer, I knew that he had, once again, stepped in to strip an opportunity away from me. At that point, I was more than a little angry. I was pissed.

But, you know what? This time, I felt that my anger was justified. I allowed myself to feel a “certain kind of way” about the fact that this man had intervened yet once again in an attempt to ruin my career. I acknowledged the anger, and allowed myself to feel it.

The difference between the anger I feel now, and the anger I felt following the affair, is that now I can see the anger coming. I see it and I feel it. And, I also know that ignoring it is not a solution. Anger does not go away simply because you ignore it.

This time, I knew better than to sit around and wallow in anger. Instead, I decided to channel my anger into something positive and productive for me and my life. This time, the anger motivated me.

It was at that point that I realized that not all anger is the same. Sometimes, anger can serve as the spark needed to help you make necessary changes in your life.

Anger is not the problem. The issue is how we respond to it. Anger is not the enemy. Rather, anger can sometimes serve as the spark needed in order to forge a new path.