High School
Out in the quad, you snarled at my nerve system
Promoted an inner rhythm
ghostly voices screaming that I didn’t belong
that the tenderness I longed for was wrong
My inner bleedings were neglected at home
relegated to the unconscious to roam,
I roamed for tending, for teaching
for soothing of my wounds and showing me how to begin reaching
I showed up to school with a psyche half-developed
and with anxiety I was enveloped
I did not reach toward the kind ones, did not know how
something I’ve painstakingly learned to be more versed in now
I remember that lunchtime jungle,
selfishness and hormones, echoes of primates, in a bundle
what mood should I exude
to get a smile before being overtaken by my own bitter attitude
I’d walk and, I’d walk
see that the cliques were on lock
I might have felt unseen, and forsaken
my radar seemingly broken
How to get those golden balmy friendships
I couldn’t come to grips
with that stuff inside, my bloody needs
It all seemed to mock my adolescent seeds
High School you were an expansive time
to the void in my heart, I might say it was a crime
but life is a complex art to chart
a nexus that no religion fully answered at its heart
and with time I learned to seek for just and tender ones
and to listen for the introjects like a Buddhist nun
listening for what I needed from a wiser view
found me a therapist trustworthy and true
I’m less of a spectator now, I feel greater, more of a co-creator
though decades later
and in this story
there is no proverb for ultimate glory
it’s real
my commitment to think and feel
classmates with blemishes superficial and deep
me as well, it’s complex what I reap
and I’m just learning what I’ve sown
It’s a journey, intricately complex, and not a noun.
I am an American from Ukraine, and I wanted to write a poem about high school. The poem explores themes of alienation, the search for identity and belonging, and the journey towards self-understanding and healing.
