My All Baseball-Name Team

Baseball has the best names.

Since the MLB lockout was lifted, spring training quickly came together, teams have overhauled their rosters, and flashy free agents have found some surprising landing spots.

So, I’ve decided to ignore all of that and instead create a fantasy baseball team that consists of players with the best baseball names.

Baseball is known for having the best names of any sport. Sure, it’s got the nicknames like Goose, Shoeless Joe, or Big Papi. But I’m talking about birth certificates. I’m talking Amos Strunk, Coco Crisp, Razor Shines, Harry Hooper — names that just feel like baseball.

You won’t see any basketball players with the name R.A. Dickey.

So here’s my fantasy team of current major leaguers with great baseball names. They’ve been chosen for various reasons, some may have old-timey sounding names, some have legacy names, and some I feel represent the sport of baseball now.

I’ve tried to avoid position fraud, though that got a little dicey in the outfield. We’ve also got a got mix of righties and lefties both in the lineup and on the pitching staff, a bench of players that is representative of a real club’s bench, and a bullpen with a dedicated closer.

C — Kyle Higashioka (NYY)

1B — Vladimir Guerrero Jr. (TOR) Major League Baseball has had a bomber named Vladimir Guerrero 20 of the past 27 seasons. It just feels right.

2B — José Altuve (HOU)

3B — Carter Kieboom (WAS) The way his name is said by Nats PA Announcer Jerome Hruska is perfect. He really hits the BOOM in Kieboom. Too bad Carter can’t seem to do that in the batter’s box.

SS — Xander Bogaerts (BOS) Specifically the way his name is said with a Boston accent. If Kyle Schwarber was still on the team, he would be in contention here. But Xandah Bogahts is a great name for one of baseball’s biggest markets. I miss the way Jerry Remy would say his name.

LF — Andrew Benintendi (KC)

CF — Mike Yastrzemski (SF) It just feels right for a Yaz to be roaming the outfield.

RF — Lars Nootbaar (STL)

DH — Ji-Man Choi (TB)

They’ll lineup like this:

2B Altuve (R)

LF Benintendi (L)

1B Guerrero Jr. (R)

SS Bogaerts (R)

CF Yastrzemski (L)

DH Choi (L)

C Higashioka (R)

3B Kieboom (R)

RF Nootbaar (L)

BENCH — Franchy Cordero (BOS)

BENCH — Pat Valaika (BAL) I say “PAT…VALAIKA” out loud at least once a day, mimicking how Orioles PA announcer Adrienne Roberson says his name. She almost makes him seem like a cool baseball player. I’m bummed he’s no longer an O solely because I don’t get to hear her do that anymore.

BENCH — Pedro Severino (MIL) The same is true about Pedro Severino. Adrienne Roberson is really good at her job.

BENCH — Spencer Torkelson (DET) He has yet to see a major league pitch, but he gets this last bench spot for three reasons 1 — he will see some time in the big league club this year because 2 — he obliterated the minors last year, and 3 — because “Torkelson” is too good to pass up.

Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images

SP — Shohei Ohtani (LAA) Sorry, I had to! Yes, he’d probably end up taking that DH spot. We’re gonna be really good!

SP — Sonny Gray (MIN) We love juxtaposition.

SP — Nestor Cortes Jr. (NYY)

SP — Danny Duffy (LAD)

SP — Packy Naughton (CIN)

Three southpaws in our rotation probably won’t help the fact that we only have two in the pen.

Ralph Freso/Getty Images

RP — Garrett Whitlock (BOS) I tried to limit myself to only one Red Sox player, but I just couldn’t do it. I wanted to spread the love, but also…who cares about the Marlins?

RP -Drew Smyly (CHI)

RP — Brad Boxberger (MIL)

RP — Giovanny Gallegos (STL) This was very close to being an all-alliteration bullpen. But I guess Giovanny Gallegos isn’t technically alliteration…

RP — Brad Hand (PHI) The perfect name for a pitcher.

RP — Craig Kimbrel (CWS) Sorry Craig, but you’re in the setup role.

RP — Mark Melancon (ARI)

This team will be managed by Buck Showalter, but Rocco Baldelli almost got the job.

Folks we almost signed: As previously mentioned, Kyle Schwarber. We also considered Didi Gregorius, Johneshwy Fargas, Kole Calhoun, Yohendrick Pinango, and Tzu-Wei Lin. We almost picked up Sixto Sánchez for the rotation, but not only is he dealing with injury problems — we would need his name to be Sixfinger Sánchez to pull the trigger.

Our team name is, of course, the Montgomery Biscuits — the best team name in baseball.

Want to chat baseball? Email me:

Or watch The Bastards of Boston Baseball on YouTube.

Want to keep updated with the column? Find it on Instagram @theboywholovedjoekelly and Twitter @boywholovedmlb




Boston baseball and other teams that aren’t as fun.

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Patrick J. Regal

Patrick J. Regal

Educator. Artist. Founder and Editor of Feature Presentation. Instagram: patrickjregal

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