The 9 Lessons My Grandfather Taught Me
My grandfather, Archbishop Emeritus Desmond Tutu, has taught many of us lessons on a global scale. I am not the grandchild that is in the church pew every Sunday (heathen, I know) but I did pick up on his affinity for peace, justice and conflict resolution, much to his delight.
Today on his 90th birthday, I’m sharing a list of nine lessons that he has taught me. One for each decade, because 90 is A LOT of lessons.This week people have been celebrating his life, his work as the moral voice of South Africa. The lessons I speak of have been reiterated countless times, and it is heart-warming to see how many lives he has affected. People cannot speak enough of his humour, his courage and his commitment to truth and justice.
- Don’t take yourself too seriously
For most of us being called out and attacked by governments like the Israeli government and leaders like Robert Mugabe could really have a negative effect on life. My grandfather knew the work he was doing and the life he led was always about the greater good for all humanity and he allowed insults and attacks to roll off his back. He has a steady humility that allows him to laugh at himself and pushes him to learn from those different to him.
2. Forgiveness is hard but worth it
“Forgiveness is not forgetting. It is actually remembering… and the remembering part is particularly important. Especially if you don’t want to repeat what happened.”
For us to heal, we must forgive. You do not have to forgive on anyone else’s timeline but forgiveness allows us to move from being locked in our pain to healing. My grandfather holds strong to the hope that everyone human has the capacity to change and that we are not our worst action. Forgiveness is not easy, it requires great strength but I remind myself everyday if a man who suffered as he did at the hands of the apartheid government can forgive then maybe I can forgive those in my life who have hurt me.
3. Take moments for yourself each day
He makes sure to pray each day, sometimes I do wonder if he is taking a mini-nap, or trying to avoid us crazy family members, but everyday we can be sure that he will take his time to pray. While I do not consider myself religious, so you will not find me praying, I do make sure to have some quiet time to myself in the mornings to help me make it through whatever the day has in store.
4. “Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument”
We are humans and we will not always agree with each other, but disagreement does not mean we are entitled to infringe upon someone’s safety and dignity. Instead try sharing your argument in a different way, one that your intended audience may better understand. Debate can be done respectfully, but if you’re debating someone’s humanity you have already lost the battle. We cannot embrace our own humanity while we dehumanise another.
5. Humour can be a saving grace
Remember at the start of the pandemic when people were making memes about being stuck at home all day with their kids and their partners? We were all in it together, we were in a dark time (we still are) but we managed to use humour to navigate the unknown. My grandfather often used humour in the dark days of apartheid to break through tension. His humour humanised by bringing people together, everyone got to be in on the joke.
6. Our capacity for sacrifice and solidarity
“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.”
I have found that this quotes tends to get people upset. And he was used to upsetting some people, you cannot please everyone. Humans don’t like to be made to feel guilty when we are not actively doing harm, but our lack of action to stop it still allows the harm to occur. There is no both sides, we cannot look the other way. There are times where, like my grandfather, we may have to give up safety, comfort and privilege to protect our fellow humans from injustice.
7. Courage and strength
He survived polio, TB, cancer, apartheid… and even Jacob Zuma’s presidency. He continued to show up in the world through these challenges. He was committed to non-violence and unwavering in his belief that apartheid needed to end and would end. To this day, he is an advocate for the end of apartheid in Palestinian-Israel and for Palestinian liberation. He has spent almost 90 years fighting for justice and social change, the rest of us must do the same.
8. Truth is important for reconciliation and restorative justice
“I wish I could shut up, but I can’t and I won’t.”
My grandfather’s truth-telling could get him into trouble but his courage did not wane when it came to the importance of acknowledging the presence of injustice. His life was constantly under threat because of the conviction with which he held to his beliefs. He never gave up on his ideals and goals. As the Chair of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, he listened to the terror, crimes and atrocities committed by the apartheid regime, and he believed that bringing the truth to light would allow South Africa to move forward as one country with a shared history and common future.
9. Ubuntu
Simply put, all of these lessons were done on the global scale and put together they all add up to Ubuntu, the philosophy that guides his life’s work. The ninth lesson encompasses all the other lessons. He taught me how someone who has Ubuntu shows up in the world and offers grace to others. As he wrote in the foreword to my book, Everyday Ubuntu:
“One with Ubuntu is careful to walk in the world as one who recognises the infinite worth of everyone with whom he or she comes into contact. So it is not simply a way of behaving, it is indeed a way of being!”
Of course there are so many more lessons I could list. He is a stickler for proper pronunciation and grammar (former English teacher!). He always went out of his way to help family and friends as they tried to make it in the world, he would even email former U.S. Presidents to help me with essays I was writing in school. He is very particular about the difference between a boat and a ship. He once tried to explain the rules of rugby and cricket to me, but I still do not grasp either. He always makes sure to acknowledge my grandmother and all those who have supported and encouraged him throughout his life. He has set the bar high, he is a man we can continue to learn lessons from and I plan to do just that.
Happy 90th Khulu!
