5 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Write Your Memoir

And 4 reasons why you should write it anyway

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood from Pexels

It happens. You’re sitting on your couch, flipping through Netflix for the next show to binge-watch, and it strikes you: I’m going to write my memoir.

Awesome. Yes. I’m here for it. Except…

Memoirs are hot on the top nonfiction lists. But those memoirs are pretty much made up of famous people — politicians, activists, entertainers, and the Obama Franchise, of course. Then you think, you know what? My life is worth documenting. I have a lot to contribute. My memories of learning how to make arancini in my grandmother’s Tuscany farmhouse are read-worthy.

Sure. For you and your family. But here’s the problem with memoirs: No matter who you’re trying to write for, you won’t be writing for yourself. You’ll be writing hoping someone will read it, and the likelihood of that is slim to none.

I know, it sucks. But hear me out.

1. A memoir hard to finish writing

It’s hard to know where to start a memoir, even harder to finish. I mean, do you go as far back as, “when I was just a tyke,” or do you start in high school? Your first kiss? Heartbreak? Loss of a loved one?

There have been milestones in your life that no one else can replicate. The problem is trying to bookend all of those events, the vignettes that make up the entirety of who you are now. And your story is still continuing, so how do you even wrap it up?

The challenge I’ve found with many writers who are attempting to write their memoirs is that they become so mired in all the events in their lives that they don’t know how to clump those vignettes into a tangible thread that carries a story arc.

Here’s what to do:

Keep a journal. Start writing memories, little moments in your life, even if they’re in point form. When you’ve got that, look for thematic threads. Maybe the arc of your life (thus far) has been about overcoming addiction, maybe it’s been about injustice, maybe it’s been moving on from an abusive relationship.

There is a stream of events that have led you to the place where you are now, but not all need to be included. What helps tell the story of you living with addiction should go into your memoir. If that means learning to make macaroons in a tiny hole-in-the-wall bakery, then that goes in. But if your childhood best friend really had no role in it, a cursory mention at best.

A memoir isn’t an autobiography, which is a biography written by the subject as a chronological sequence of events. Memoirs are more reflective and carry thematic elements.

Use those.

2. Everyone and their auntie has written a memoir

It’s true that everyone has a story to tell. Every life is unique and contributes to our collective fabric of understanding and place in this world. It makes sense that there are so many memoirs in various forms of completion out there. Life is amazing. Write about it!

But, be prepared to be lumped into that melting pot of memoirs that never see the light of day. If you’re thinking of any of the publication routes, there needs to be an absolutely outstanding reason why I’d glance at the cover of your book, let alone pick it up and purchase it. There are memoirs to drown yourself in on online book platforms and almost none of them stand out.

Why? Mostly because memoirists don’t know how to pick up on that one thread that really makes their story stand out (see point one), or there really is nothing mind-shatteringly remarkable about their lives. That’s not a judgment on anyone’s life. It simply means we’re all human.

Here’s what to do:

First, you’re going to need cake for this. Once you’ve got your slice, sit, and have a good thing. What is it you can bring to the table that is new? What perspective can you offer that others can’t? How would your story enlighten others?

I’m not talking self-help, but more of a story to which people can relate, but also find inspiring. What would make them want to suggest your memoir at their next book club?

That’s the golden egg you need to crack.

3. It’s probably your first full-length book

Oh boy. Okay, how to put this lightly?

Terry Pratchett said, “the first draft is just you telling yourself the story.”

This doesn’t just apply to a single draft, this applies to your entire writing pursuits. Your first full-length work is just you testing your writerly muscles. You can’t run around your backyard and call it the Boston Marathon. That is just you getting started.

Your first full-length book will not be your best work. Far from it. It might just be the worst work you will have ever written. And by ‘might,’ I mean affirmatively, it will be.

I shudder at the thought of anyone reading my first full-length book. It was not good. Not even close to passable. In fact, garbage would call that a disaster.

This is normal. The reason why we tend to go to memoirs for our first full-length book is that we already know the story. We are already in the character’s head because we are the character. Writing a memoir takes a lot of the guesswork out of major aspects to writing a novel.

Here’s what to do:

Back to Terry Pratchett. The thing about first drafts is there will always be revisions. Write the memoir. Just get it out. Then put it away.

In his book, On Writing, Stephen King recommends leaving the draft in the proverbial drawer (he actually meant literal, but the guy still writes by hand) for six weeks before pulling it out for revisions.

If this is your first work, I say leave it in there for much longer. Maybe let it collect dust for a while. Hey, even forget about it. Let it ripen like a fine wine.

In the meantime, continue writing. Build those muscles with other work. Maybe fiction, maybe nonfiction, poetry, blogs, whatever. But just keep writing.

Then pull the work back out again and have a solid readthrough. See how much you’ve changed as a writer?

Now toss that and start again. Because you are so much more equipped to tackle your own life story than you were back then.

4. Do you want the world to know THAT much about you?

Readers want to be shocked, horrified, filled with love, and inspired. Sure, you can tell your rags to riches story about how you are now the COO of a major international company. But if you don’t give the private details, it’ll just read like a Linkedin bio. Boring.

Readers want to be entertained. We want to read about all the private, intimate, tender, sensitive, embarrassing, horrifying, and awe-inducing moments of your life.

Do you really want the world to know that much about you? Once it’s out there, you can’t take it back.

Here’s what to do:

Simple. If you don’t want the world to know that much about you, write your memoir and keep it in your drive until the end of time.

Or take the leap and send it out there. I mean, your call. No one can decide for you.

5. Memoirs are mostly cathartic

For the most part, memoirs are cathartic. They’re a more formal version of journaling. The pen and paper (or laptop) is the medium through which we work through a lot of feelings. Even if you’re writing fiction, writing is still cathartic.

Don’t even get me started on poetry.

But memoirs are quite different, catharsis-wise. Memoirs are like talking to your therapist, and your readers are like the fly on the therapist’s wall. The problem with this is that cathartic writing doesn’t make for objective, well thought out writing. It’s a great place to start, but keeping that cathartic flow as the architecture for a full-length book is not exactly the best writerly advice.

Here’s what to do:

Buy yourself a lovely fountain pen and a gorgeous journal. Write your thoughts there. Maybe start writing a novel. Or bake a cake. Cake is good.

Not all is lost, memoir friends. Memoirs are wonderful. They happen to be one of my favourite genres, and there’s a reason for that: Real, human stories will never go out of style. Life is incredible and needs to be documented.

If you plan on embarking on the memoir-writing journey, there are solid reasons why you should shoulder that backpack and march on.

1. You should tell yourself this story

This is your story and you should tell it, and the only person to be your audience should be you. Make it as short or as long as you want. Include whatever details you want, leave whatever you want out.

Throw out all of the rules. Write on sticky notes, coffee shop napkins, hidden folders in your hard drive. Don’t even bother with cohesiveness. Some sections can be pages and pages, others just a paragraph.

Just write it and write it for you.

Hell, even add a dragon. It’s your story anyway.

2. Writing your memoir will help you become a better writer

There are going to be some tough memories that you’ll be writing about, difficult emotions, and some beautiful moments. Being able to write through these is a gift. Keeping with it makes you a warrior.

A writer, like any artist, becomes better the more they write. It’s about finding your voice, becoming more comfortable with how prose rolls out of you and learning how to stitch together stories into a whole. A memoir is a perfect training ground for the future work you’ll be writing.

3. Get it out of the way

Almost every single writer ends up writing about themselves at some point in their lives. Let’s not kid ourselves. If this is where your creative flow is taking you, then follow that wave and just get it out of your system.

Just get it out of the way.

4. A memoir is a soil rich with ideas

No matter how wild, ideas are always anchored in life. How can we write about something we know nothing about? While, yes, Wikipedia does pair well with a nice chianti on a Saturday night, it’s near impossible to truly describe the sensory details of the Canadian Rockies if you’ve never been to a single mountain in your life.

So where does that leave you idea-wise?

Your memoir! It’s literally a list of ideas, from characters to events and places, to sounds and scents and feelings. Themes like mental health and body image are riddled in memoirs, as are navigating social justice systems as a marginalized person.

All of these ideas are ready to put in other writing, whether that’s poetry, a novel, short story, or op-ed.

All writing is worthwhile

I know, I know, this seems trite, but hear me out.

No matter where your writing ends up, all writing is worthwhile. Even if that’s a private journal, a blog, an essay, or a full-length book, all of your writing is worth taking the time to write. If not for all of the reasons above, then for you. Because you feel like there’s something in there you want to get out, or that you want to try your hand at it, or that you just need to write.

It’s worthwhile. Even the crappy stuff. Trust me.

Also, add a dragon because you can.