Brazen’s TEA Dialogues: A Change of Consciousness
By Anonymous
My mom was around 24- or 25-years-old when she had her abortion. By that time, she had already had my brother and me and was struggling to provide for us financially, even with my dad in the picture at the time. My mom expressed to me that “your dad and I really started arguing very bad, yelling at each other and cussing a lot in front of you and your brother and it hurts me very much looking back on how it must have affected you both.” It did. For as long as I could remember, my dad was verbally abusive and at one point became physically abusive. This factor played a huge part in why my mom made the decision to have an abortion; she did not want another child to experience the ugly side of love the way my brother and I did. I can not blame her for that.
My mom did not tell me about her abortion for a long time. In fact, I found out just a little over a year ago. She actually told me by accident. At the time, I didn’t understand the importance of abortion access, how detrimental stigma surrounding the topic of abortion is, and I definitely didn’t believe in having one. I had a confined image of what an abortion was and why people decide to have one. Looking back, I was simply uneducated and unaware. The day she told me, I remember being angry and saying to her as we were driving down the highway to visit family, “So you’re telling me I would have a little brother or sister right now, but you decided to just get rid of it.” I instantly regretted saying it and when I took my eyes off the road for a split second to look at my mom, I just recall tears rolling down her face. I made her feel ashamed and she said to me crying, “I don’t want you to look at me differently now that you know.” That changed everything. At this moment, I realized that my mom needed someone to understand and accept her, not criticize her. I did not look at my mother differently for telling me the truth. If anything, I admired her ability to have a real conversation with me. I know many individuals do not get to experience having open conversations with their parents, but luckily I did. In having this conversation with my mom, it formulated a new sense of understanding and respect between the two of us. My mom is my best friend and biggest supporter in life. The last thing I ever wanted to do was make her feel guilty about doing something that she felt was the best decision for her. I immediately apologized and started thinking about how hundreds of thousands of women have to deal with the same negativity I had just perpetuated onto my own mother. It didn’t make me feel good at all. In fact, I was disappointed in myself.
My mom’s experience is the reason why I am now involved in advocacy work surrounding reproductive rights. After that day, I made it a priority in my life to learn about the experiences of real people who have real abortions. It is time we stop politicizing issues concerning bodily autonomy. Abortion is healthcare! As human beings, we should have the right to choose what is best for our physical, mental, and emotional well being. No politician or law deserves authority over an individual’s body or the decisions they make concerning their body. Again, real people with real stories need access to real abortions. Every person’s circumstances are different and who am I to judge? When I asked my mom recently why she continues to keep her story a secret, she said to me, “I keep it to myself because I feel people will judge me and not understand how I may have been feeling [at the time] and how I feel now.” I hope one day the work I do pays off and my mom gains the confidence and reassurance to open up about her story. I wish this for every person who has had an abortion. I know I will never put a stop to abortion stigma alone, but I can play my part by speaking out about abortion boldly and without shame. Shame is an evil burden, but love and compassion always conquer.
