Brazen’s TEA Dialogues: The Realities of Accessing an Abortion After Going to an Anti-Abortion Counseling Center

By Katherine McElwain

Four years ago, I got a text from one of my dearest friends that said to call her immediately. I stepped out of work and went to sit in my car in the parking lot. It was a gorgeous day in early fall. I remember how blue the sky was, the way the leaves were glowing in the sunlight, and how my heart was racing as I dialed her number. She picked up the phone in tears and whispered “I’m pregnant.” In all honesty, I was relieved. I knew this was something she could handle. I knew she had options. And I knew that she knew herself well enough to make the best choice for her. We talked a bit about how she was feeling, which in that moment was mostly scared and confused, and I assured her I’d be there for her however she needed me to be. I said that, and I meant it, but I also knew that this was a situation in which the only person whose feelings, voice, and opinion mattered was hers. A few weeks later, she got an abortion. We hadn’t talked about it in a long while, and I called her the other day to ask if she’d be willing to talk to me about it now. She agreed. Here’s how our conversation went:

How did you feel when you found out you were pregnant?

“Numb. And then scared. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, I didn’t know if I would keep it or get an abortion, and I was confused and scared.”

What went into your decision to get an abortion?

“Thinking about my future. My relationship at the time wasn’t healthy and wasn’t what I wanted with bringing a child into the world. I always wanted to be a great mom, and if I had done it then, I wouldn’t have been able to do that. I hadn’t graduated college yet, I didn’t have a job that I could support a family with.

Fear was the overarching feeling of the whole situation. I thought about how people would view me for carrying a child…what the church would think, what my family would think, just how everyone would see me. And how that would change people’s view of me after being held to such a high standard for my whole life.

A lot of opportunities would’ve been taken from me if I had kept the pregnancy. Things like travel, friendships, relationships.

I saw so many opportunities fade to black in my head when thinking about having a child at that time.”

Did you feel like you could talk to people in your life about the decision? Who?

“Yes, a few friends. One had a child, and one was my best friend at the time. And I made some phone calls to certain family members.

Every time I talked about it, I felt like I had to have a qualifier in those conversations. I didn’t feel like I could say my true opinion or feelings without explaining myself. I felt like I had to have disclaimers.

It’s so easy to say what you would do, like “oh, I could never have an abortion” or “I’d for sure have an abortion.” It’s so easy to say that until you’re there, until you’re in it.

My whole life, I was that person who said I was against them, I was against abortions. Once I was in this position, it shifted everything.”

Did you seek out resources beyond family and friends?

“I went to a ‘pregnancy center’, this place that was nailed into my brain since I was young. They were the place that came to my Catholic grade school to talk about safe sex. I thought they were a support system, they were totally not. Looking back now, I was naive, I didn’t realize they were a religious-based pregnancy center.

They make you feel like they’re there for you, they tell you “you can totally have this baby, you can do this.” This woman was with me in a room around my age, was asking me a lot of questions, it felt like a counseling session, and she said she was there for me, and she said: “I’m going to turn on this video and give you some space,” and I watched this video by myself. It was obviously meant to scare you and make you feel guilty. It went the whole nine yards — “by this time the baby is this size,” and all that. They try to make you feel like you’re for sure a murderer.

While I was at the appointment, they also talked to my boyfriend in the waiting room. They were trying to persuade both of us. And we didn’t know at that point what we were going to do. So it was extra hard.

They also did a pregnancy test there to confirm I was pregnant. And I went back to another appointment there for an ultrasound. It’s crazy looking back on it now — my boyfriend, the “counselor” I’d met with before, and the doctor doing the ultrasound were all there in the room. The doctor said to us, “you’ll be wonderful parents, you’re a great couple,” but he had no idea about our relationship or who we were, we had never interacted with him. He didn’t know us.

I’m sad for my past self. She was so vulnerable, and they know that. They know that you’re vulnerable, and they use it.

After all that, I did some research on some other places, and I went to a women’s clinic.”

What did you expect when you went to the pregnancy counseling center?

“I expected them to help me realize what my options were, not put me in the direction of one option and one option only.

I’d never been pregnant, I wanted to know what I could do, what I should do. I wanted to know the possibilities of what was next. Looking back, I was hoping for more resources.

I should’ve been given information on abortions or options for adoption, or any of that. I wasn’t given any of that.”

Can you tell me about your experience with accessing an abortion?

“The day I got my abortion was the day of the 2016 election, that was quite a day. I had my abortion the day Donald Trump was elected.

I made sure to go vote for Hillary that day after the procedure. How could I not?

My boyfriend at the time and I went together, the clinic was an hour from home.

For the clinic I went to, I had to get a pre-abortion counseling session. I remember it was hours long, and there were multiple people involved that I had to talk to. They all questioned me about if I was sure, but it was different from the crisis pregnancy counseling center, these people actually wanted me to know my options and support me.

On a different day, I had a different appointment at that same place, the clinic, and they were talking to me about helping me get financial aid of some sort. It was either going to be $800 or $1200, something like that, it was really expensive, and this person helped me get the cost down, and they helped me schedule the appointment.

And then I went to the appointment on November 8, and I got there and checked in. They gave me a pain reliever of some kind, and then I went and sat in a second, separate waiting room. There were other people there. I was waiting awhile. Someone eventually came and got me, and we took an elevator down a level. I kind of felt like I was in a movie.

There were so many girls downstairs. There were a bunch of different types of people there for different reasons. I made friends with this one girl, she was a little younger than me, and we were just talking and keeping each other company. And then we talked to this one older woman who already had children. The girl younger than me, she was in high school, she told me when she found out she was pregnant, she didn’t question the decision at all, she knew she didn’t want to keep it, and her boyfriend helped her with money for the abortion. She had no remorse.

A really nice nurse came to get me and we went into this room and I sat down in a chair like the ones at a dentist’s office. She was probably in her 60s. She was explaining what was about to happen and what it would feel like. She held my hand the entire time and I was crying and I remember her saying the most loving things. She wiped my tears, she assured me I was making the right decision and that I had my whole life ahead of me. This was all while the procedure was happening. It was a little painful. Once the first part was over, it felt like really bad menstrual cramps. The whole time the nurse was saying kind things. I will always remember her.

And just like that, it was over. It was so quick. The whole thing was maybe 15 or 20 minutes.

Then I went to wait in the post-op room. The girls I’d met earlier were there, and other girls too, maybe like 12–18 chairs in the room. We sat there and the nurses gave us more medicine and a snack. They also gave me pads, they told me I would spot for the next several days. It’s kind of gross, kind of funny, thinking about sitting there, pads on, bleeding, and talking to these other girls and telling each other about our lives. We went through something so intimate together and I didn’t even get their names.

I remember thinking “this is something that I’m going to remember forever.” These people are sharing this experience with me that is so vulnerable. It helped take away a lot of the guilt and shame. I was with so many people making the same decision as me, and they all had their reasons.

And after a while, I walked back upstairs, my boyfriend was sitting there in the main waiting room. He looked at me and said, “are you finished?” And we drove home. I didn’t cry or feel sad, I just felt numb. It just was what it was. It feels like a million years ago.”

In hindsight, what would you want to go back and tell yourself when you found out you were pregnant?

“I want to tell her it will be okay. And to tell her that she is capable and safe to make her own decisions, and that she has a very full, bright future ahead of her.

I want to give my past self a hug and tell her she is so strong. There’s a reason for everything.”

What do you want to tell yourself about it now?

“That I made the right decision. It wasn’t wrong. It’s okay to feel sad about it sometimes, that doesn’t mean it was wrong or that I regret it. It’s okay to be sad and mourn the loss even if you chose that loss. Mother’s day can be hard for me.

What I did was not wrong. I think everyone is capable of making their own decisions. I did what I knew would be best for me.

I know that my God still loves me regardless of this decision.”

What would you want people to know in general about your experience and your decision?

“People don’t realize that people who get abortions aren’t heartless monsters. I still loved the baby, even though I didn’t keep it. I would’ve loved to keep it too, but I wouldn’t have the life I have right now.

Fighting for our ability to choose doesn’t make the choice any easier. It’s still a hard decision, but it allows us to make other decisions in our future.

It was the hardest decision I’ve made in my life, but it wasn’t the wrong decision. Because of it, I got to choose to graduate college, to pursue a career, eventually choose who to marry rather than staying with someone who was abusive.

I wasn’t ready to stop living my life. When you have a baby, your life becomes their life.
I want to be able to love a baby unconditionally, I want to be able to be the best mom ever.
I can’t imagine being a mom before being the best version of me I can be.

Either decision, to keep or not keep a pregnancy, comes with consequences. I did what would be best for me, and honestly that child as well. People can argue all they want about adoption, or “you could’ve made it work,” or anything like that. But there are so many kids waiting to be adopted. Unless you’re going to look at me and tell me you would adopt my kid, or any kid, you don’t get to talk about it.

People need to have more of a heart, more empathy, in general, and about this issue. Once it’s personal, opinions change. Once it was personal for me, my opinion changed.”