A Note About Depression in Quarantine
Sometimes you just need to start moving.
During this lockdown, my depression has gradually leaked back in through cracks in myself from feeling hopeless, disconnected, lost, and anxious. It’s been getting gradually worse as the days go on. This morning I laid in bed staring at the wall feeling unable to move my body. My thoughts raced and hazed into submission simultaneously. My patient and loving boyfriend gently suggested I go for a bike ride (In Spain, we now have 4 hours in the morning/evening free to go outside and do physical activity) but even as much as I wanted to WANT to do that, I felt paralyzed.
Depression is that way- you feel absolutely no interest in doing the things that interest you and give you clarity.
I wanted to want to ride my bike, but the desire wouldn’t come. I sat in bed for a few more minutes ruminating over how much it sucks to have depression and spiraling my thoughts further downwards into the place where I no longer identify with who I am. A place of shame, emptiness, bitterness, and apathy.
And then, with ALL the strength I could find within myself, I got out of bed, put on shorts, tank top, and shoes, grabbed my keys and left the house. It’s funny how even those small actions can seem insurmountable when you are swimming in a bout of depression.
We experience depression in our minds, and our bodies are subsequently affected by those thoughts.
We FEEL the pain, the lack of meaning, the haziness, and the numbness. I’ve found that the only way for me to gently set aside those crippling feelings is to NOT think. When I start to move my body without premeditation, I no longer let my thoughts and feelings attach themselves to my physical self and I can start to then just move. It helps drastically but it is also SO hard just to get my body moving. My thoughts and feelings are so powerful that sometimes when I can’t seem to direct them into a more accepting or motivated state, I just need to set them aside for a bit and try to let my body take control.
My thoughts and feelings are so powerful that sometimes when I can’t seem to direct them into a more accepting or motivated state, I just need to set them aside for a bit and try to let my body take control.
My depression didn’t go away after my bike ride, but I felt about 10% better. And you know what? That little 10% helped. Whether you want to just cross the room to get something to eat, or put on clothes or shower, or even go out to walk your dog, even just a small action like walking or doing a jumping jack or brushing your hair can help get your mind quieted for that moment and give the focus to your body. Maybe sometimes you only feel like putting on a shirt and no pants (no judgment there) or maybe you can only bear to open a bag of chips and eat that (that’s great too), and that is OK. It’s a start and you should be proud of yourself for even trying.
Depression is an absolute nightmare and the shame that can stem from it makes it even worse. I’m trying so hard just to function every day, and most myself, but I know that connection helps, and this is my attempt to connect to you beautiful souls out there that are feeling held hostage by depression.
Every percent counts.
