DYING and AWAKENING to WHO I AM
By ridding oneself of past trauma
I felt OK to write about my own dying after reading Gillian May’s article, How I Died and Came Back to Life.Previously I was afraid to write about this experience because society, family and psychiatry would judge it psychotic. My experiences were different from Gillian’s, but the results of getting rid of bad trauma were similar. In 1980 I dared to write some of the experience in a poem with poetic license: “The Marriage of Me and Me” in a poetry book, “Do You See What I See?”
Some Background
My childhood was wonderful with a mother that loved and encouraged my intensities of a scholarly mind and expressive emotions for life — as being a manic-depressive. Then she died at age 60 in 1963 when I was 30 and devastated. My behavior in reacting to grief was unacceptable. Unfortunately I do not know what the behavior was because they hospitalized me and gave me ECT (shock treatments). After a couple of years I got back to my fashion design, engineering and manufacturing business. But I suffered with nightmares for 14 years, dreaming of my mother dying differently each time, and always missing it.
In February 1975, I found TM (Transcendental Meditation) and went on a weeklong TM Residence course. The first night after coming home I experienced what I later called Dying and Spiritual Awakening. The poem best explains it.
My head hung down –
as I sat on the edge of the bed,
supporting my hunched back.
A voice that was mine –
but at the same time –
not mine, said,
“It’s all right.
I have a strong heart”.
Like Van Gogh’s blackbirds –
ominous dead black shapes –
fought to come into my body;
And I fought them off,
unperturbed and successfully.
Again the voice spoke,
“Not even the mother –
can have the daughter’s body.”
Then, I died;
and shouted with glee
”… with my eyes wide open.”
I clambered rather clumsily –
through the long dark tunnel.
It seemed to take so long.
I was so proud of dying –
with my eyes wide open –
that I was too anxious –
to tell someone –
of my feat.
Then — the light came!
“I saw it. I saw it.”
It flooded the entire room.
And with it came a melody:
No! A symphony,
more beautiful than –
Bach, Beethoven, or Brahms –
or any ever heard. [Note: Next stanzas are for another article]
Ridding Past Trauma
The next morning the feelings from the past night remained with me. At one moment I sat on the floor and slowly began twirling my arms above my head feeling as though the shock treatments were coming into me. Then I twirled my arms around my body, down and out, feeling those shock treatments leaving my body. I was totally involved and quite calm in this behavior.
My roommate saw me and looked horrified. I felt sorry for her seeing this, but I could not stop and did not want to. She called my brother, and they called my psychiatrist. Together they carried me off to a mental institution again. Since I wasn’t given ECT this time, I remember everything clearly. It was only 10 days this time, but the psychiatrist gave me Lithium and Imprime. Now I truly felt dead to life with no mind, no desires, lost to my business, and tried to commit suicide. Eventually my will tried to come back. I started hiding the Lithium and Imprime pills. When they had worn off, I was alive again with my dynamic self!! I threw out my roommate and began a new life.
It was the 1980s and I explored many New Age disciplines and philosophies, and continued my Transcendental Meditation, to understand more of who I really am. Gone were the traumas of shock treatments, my mother’s death and the fear of death generally. Of course I still experienced some trauma. The emotionally toxicity would be with me for a day. The next day, after studying and becoming aware of my emotional mind and reactions, the pain would be gone. Another important point is to love myself unconditionally.
Medium’s Inspiration
As I reflect and read many great authors on Medium, here are some quotes that fit with my perspectives of my new self now and in the 1980s.
Gillian May “Yes, there is death that ends life. But I’ve learned that there are other kinds of death too.”
Nick Wignall “You won’t find happiness or success unless you find yourself first” “Improving your relationship with your own emotions by practicing emotional acceptance and validation.”
Eric Guisinger “Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden.” From C. S. Lewis.
“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes”. ― Carl Jung
