Karma is Real. My Life is the Living Proof.

Some recent experiences in my life seemed to point in one direction: Karma.

Some recent events in my life lined up in such a way that the only way to really understand it and explain it is to just accept that these things happened as a result of the application of the principles of Karma.

Setting the Stage; Selecting the Actors

I have previously written about a mental crisis I suffered back in November 2017 after learning of my husband’s affair. At some point during my journey, something very unexpected happened. My husband, from whom I had been separated, moved back in with me and the children. We had not previously discussed it. Therefore, it felt like a unilateral decision on his part.

Despite my initial protests, over time, my husband and I developed a different kind of relationship. We were not together intimately or romantically. However, we found new ground on an intellectual level. We discussed politics and the news and other worldly events. After a while, I grew to enjoy our daily banter.

Our “new” relationship was different from the relationship we had before, which was volatile and sometimes even hostile. I had learned to tame my emotions so I was able to listen to him and hear what he was saying in a different way. And, he seemed more receptive to hearing my views and opinions. It became a nice, easy-going, more open and receptive, and most importantly, respectful, relationship.

The Heat; The Anger; The Emotions

During the months of our unexpected reconnection, he and I never discussed the affair. I had decided that I wanted a divorce. Therefore, any discussion of the affair seemed moot.

However, a couple of weeks ago, we started talking and somehow the affair came up. Now, I had gone months and months of showing no emotion at all. But, as soon as we started taking about the affair, the tears came pouring out.

I was shocked and hurt when, during what felt like a torrential down pour, my husband stoically sat in his chair showing absolutely no emotion.

Following this event, I felt an intense anger towards him. And, of course, once the anger started, my thoughts started to take on a life of their own.

Decisions, Actions and Consequences

I thought about my husband’s affair, which of course made me mad. But, then my thoughts quickly shifted and I started thinking about the affair I had with a married man when I was fresh out of college in my early 20s.

I then thought about all the unfortunate decisions I made during the course of that relationship. In terms of regret, this man will forever be a person I wish I had never met. I have often wondered what type of woman I would have been, and how my life would have unfolded, if he and I had never crossed paths.

All these years, whenever I have thought of that fateful decision, I have viewed it from one perspective: Mine. In fact, once I left my home town, and moved to another city, I never looked back. I have not seen or talked to this man in over two decades.

As I thought about the affair this time, however, a whole new way of looking at it came rushing to my mind. This time, I was experiencing the affair through a completely different pair of eyes. I had to relive that affair from the perspective of his wife.

With this realization, and added perspective, a tsunami of emotions came rushing to me. But, this was not just pure emotion. This experience felt intentional. Intelligent. Like it had a purpose.

It was Karma.

The energy known as “Karma” was staring me in my face and making its presence known. Karma then grabbed me by the hand and led me on a journey.

Going Through the Fire; Reliving the Past

I had to go back and relive that entire relationship from the eyes’s of this man’s wife. And, now that I was a wife myself, some of the stuff that happened during the course of that relationship was even more painful.

At the time I met him, this man and his wife were physically separated. In my 22-year-old mind, dating a married man under these circumstances was ok. After all, he was “separated.”

Of course, now that I am a wife myself, I understand the complexities and intricacies, the ebbs and flows, and the ins-and-outs of marriages. Marriage is tough. But, it is even tougher when a third-party comes into the picture during one of the down cycles.

Too many of us fall for this “separation” nonsense. The whole time these men are “separated,” they are using you to have a good time. The entire time, they are lying to two women: you, his affair partner, and his wife.

Trust and believe that the stories he is telling you about his wife and his miserable circumstances are the lies he tells himself (and you) to justify his unfaithful actions.

At the same time, we women just need to wisen up, band together, and realize that a man who would deceive not just one, but two, women is not worth your time. These types of deceitful relationships are no good and will ultimately hurt you.

In terms of Karma, my view is that my husband’s affair was ultimately a powerful learning experience. I had tried to walk away from my own participation in an affair by essentially ignoring it and acting as if it never happened. Yet, the reality is that certain of my decisions had caused pain to another person. And, for the pain I caused, there would be consequences.

The Reflection & The Mirror

Not only did I have to go back and re-experience the affair, I also had to look into a mirror and really confront the woman I was at that time.

The amount of pain and sorrow and regret I went through in reliving that time is beyond anything I could ever describe in words.

I had to reach back into my own life and experience myself as that young, naive girl. Karma was there staring me in the face forcing me to look at all that stuff. I had to go through each of those decisions, and experience how each of those decisions felt on both sides.

Acknowledgement; Atonement; Forgiveness

If there was a word stronger than sorry I would offer it up to this woman. I feel a deep and profound shame over my involvement in that woman’s marriage. I don’t even know if his wife ever even knew about me. However, once I became a wife myself, I know that a wife’s actual knowledge of an affair is irrelevant. I used to refer to my husband’s affair partner as the “ghost whose presence I could feel but could not see.” I felt her presence in my marriage the entire time she was there.

Upon experiencing the affair on “both sides,” I realized that I had caused harm to another woman, her marriage, and her family. And for this offense and lack of judgment, I am deeply and genuinely sorry.

Following this event, which I call an epiphany or realization, my husband and I went through yet another transformation.

We began to talk and he admitted his own inability to express and exhibit emotion. I am not sure what will ultimately happen with our marriage. However, at least he was honest and admitted that his inability to express himself was a result of his own fears. Regardless of whether we end up together or apart, I felt a deep sense of relief that he understood that confronting his fears was his responsibility alone. I could support him in his journey. However, his journey was his to take. Alone. And with courage.

Freedom, Liberation & Transformation

Now, I see my husband’s affair as a necessary learning experience.

The truth is that at the end of this cycle I felt free. I had been liberated from the pain of my past. And more importantly, I realized and accepted my own mistakes and I felt forgiven.

As painful as it was to go through and to experience, I would rather have the balance afforded by Karma than to continue living my life with shame and regret.

In fact, getting to this sense of love, freedom, and liberation made all the Karma worth it. In my mind, Karma, is the ultimate balancer and the most powerful teacher of all. Despite the pain, the experience of Karma is worth it to get to the other side.