What Would Happen If You Stopped Forcing?
What will happen if you don’t?
One day I decided to figure out why I felt so off— so uncomfortable in my own skin, so at odds with myself. One conclusion I came to? I was forcing myself into almost everything I did.
I forced myself to be a high calibre student, who strove for the best possible grades. I forced myself to stay in university even though I felt it wasn’t the type of education I wanted. I’d force myself to say “yes” when what I really wanted to say was : “I’m not in the mood, but what about tomorrow?” I’d force myself to pick up calls I didn’t actually feel like taking and I’d force myself to maintain friendships I quite frankly didn’t give a damn about.
The bizarre thing about it all, was that I probably would have enjoyed the things I forced myself to do, if I just allowed myself to go about it in the way that felt most natural to me. If I operated naturally, I also probably would have stopped making decisions that were completely at odds with what I cared about.
To feel forced (even by oneself) is not exactly the recipe for contentment.
What is forcing?
In short, doing something we’d simply rather not do. It involves two steps :
I. Ignoring our desires.
My undergrad-student-life forged me into a professional desire-ignorer. The urge to get eight hours of sleep? Suppressed. That craving to drop out? Mastered. Within all of us is a nagging, parental voice, shouting at us to disregard what we want. “You can’t have that, sweetie”, “No, I’ve told you already, you can’t go there”, “You can’t drink a fifth flippin’ glass of wine, sit d o w n”.
Maybe you ignore your inclination to call in sick to work. Perhaps you suppress your itch to skip that family reunion (yawn) or decline that call from a friend who wants you to play taxi driver. We regularly subdue our desires—it’s been normalized.
II. Diverting our attention to something else (the reason behind the forcing, which we convince ourselves is more important than our desires).
Without this shift of attention, there is no action. To justify my sleep deprivation and commitment to school despite lack of fulfillment, I focused on the satisfaction of obtaining the highest possible grades. I also fixated on the nebulous idea that one simply must get a university degree in order to score a job and be successful in life (naive, right?). You might pressure yourself to show up at work because hey, money. Ya need it. You might attend that family reunion because it’s family, they’ve done so much for you and you owe it to them. Or maybe you’d just rather not endure the potential drama that would manifest as a result of your absence. Playing taxi driver for your friend? Maybe you think about how much stress you could alleviate for them, by offering a lift. We strategically place more value on something else, in order to mitigate the allure of what we’d rather do.
Humans have the capacity to regulate their desires. We drive ourselves to do things we’d rather not do. And being able to do this is not a bad thing. It’s forcing that allows one to surpass their physical limitations during a triathlon and it’s forcing that gets one out of bed during a depressive episode. In a nutshell, forcing allows us to achieve things despite the inevitable inconveniences involved.
The question is : do you sincerely and autonomously value the purpose of what you’re doing?
If you don’t, you’re not in alignment with what you truly want for yourself and your life.
Why do we force?
- Family expectations (we want to please people)
Ex. I often find myself driven to take on an endless stream of projects because my parents are unceasingly hyperactive. I’m left feeling burnt out and confused because I don’t actually want the rhythm of their life.
- The desire to follow the same trajectory as everyone else (we want to blend in)
Ex. I forced myself through university without considering the other options because that’s just what everyone else around me was doing.
- Fear of change (we crave familiarity and consistency)
Ex. I’ve frequently pushed myself to engage in past hobbies, because “I’ve always enjoyed [insert activity]”. Rather than exploring new possibilities, I remain fixated on what gave me joy in the past.
In essence, we force because we don’t value what we want, enough to prioritize it. In addition, we may not have reflected upon what it is that we want, and the decision is consequently made for us.
We’re not failures for being susceptible to influences. It’s part of the human experience — it’s what allows us to learn and navigate our social environment. Plus, it’s through experimentation that we build knowledge of what we actually want and what we actually don’t. Nonetheless, it’s important to keep tabs on who/what is influencing us. Are we driven by our own purpose? …or something else?
Unchecked forcing can be detrimental
This is the case when :
I. We spend the majority of our time in a state of forcing and don’t leave enough space for what we want and need. (Who wants to live like that??)
II. We don’t truly believe our justifications for forcing. Ignoring our desires in order to do something we’d rather not do, gets old, fast, if we don’t care about our reasons for doing so.
There’s a distinction between forcing ourselves to engage in actions that contribute to a meaningful, subjective purpose and those that don’t. Ironically enough, too much forcing is an indication that we’re operating on autopilot. We’re stubborn and unwilling to exert the energy needed to evaluate our endeavours, our lives, and our quality of life. Instead, we fixate on the reasons behind our actions — those that come easily and enable us to continue on without disruption.
For example,
“I should stick with this career path / because the money’s good”. (We’ve all heard that one before).
“I should propose to my partner / because they might leave if this relationship doesn’t progress to marriage”. (Yikes).
Notice that all of these reasons lack subjectivity. The first person is absent and no personal values are expressed.
When forcing becomes intentionally acting
Now consider the following :
“I will stick with this career path / because I adore my kids and this job will give me the funds to properly support them”. If one’s greatest source of fulfillment is investing in the lives of their children, forcing oneself to work a job “for the money”, might be in alignment with this.
“I will propose to my partner / because I love them and want to invest more fully, even though the concept of marriage has always scared me”. If one’s love for and commitment to their partner is stronger than their apprehension about marriage, forcing themselves to consider proposing might be in alignment with their values.
Same situations, but the difference? The agent endorses their reasons for forcing. When we can genuinely stand behind the purpose of our decisions, we’re no longer forcing, we’re acting intentionally and in alignment with our values.
Driving ourselves to do things we’d rather not do, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s our reasons, the why behind it all, that matters. Maybe you’re a social worker and you’d rather not take an on-call, overnight shift for a suicide hotline. But you’re passionate about your support work and feel deeply committed to your colleagues. So you do it. This is intentional action.
Perhaps your overworked best friend needs a night out and asks you to spend the evening with her child. You’d rather not because you had plans of your own and quite frankly, you hate kids. But you do it anyway because you want your friend to recharge and desire a closer relationship with their child (all kid-aversion, set aside). This is intentional action.
Maybe you’d rather not, but at the same time you do because it matters. It matters to you and it supports your subjective purpose.
So. What next?
Strive for intentional action.
I. Drop the endeavours you don’t genuinely value. That being said, sometimes this isn’t possible. It’s not about living in a state of free-flow bliss, where every moment involves comfort and ease. If you and your partner made the decision to split household chores, claiming you don’t value your assigned task of vacuuming won’t fly.
II. Ask yourself how you can change the way you’re going about things. RE: vacuuming, maybe you can do something you enjoy, simultaneously (ex. listen to a podcast or favourite music album). Another option might be taking responsibility for a chore you find less unpleasant.
There’s always a way to make action intentional.
If you don’t value what you’re doing, why bother?
Stop forcing and see what your life becomes.
What’s the worst that can happen?
