Brighton Pier sold to fast-food chain McDonalds

Struggling Fast-Food giant McDonalds has finalised it’s decision to buy struggling attraction Brighton Pier.

It comes as a shock to many residents yet the Pier has only managed to attract 127 visitors over the summer months.

All the while the pier has been losing money by hiring hundreds of staff to act as tourists to make the pier seem busy.

Brighton residents had no idea that it was so unpopular as they choose to avoid the pier where possible. The fast-food giants McDonalds plan to turn the pier into a new ‘Ronald McDonald Land™’. They are working out a way to strip the heritage site of it’s former glory hoping to open before summer 2016.

It does not end there. McDonald rivals KFC want to turn the West Pier into a giant beard in tribute to their leader Colonel Sanders. McDonalds are trying to block the attempt, wanting to create their own Hamburgler Land.

The Gazelle spoke with one local resident “I can’t wait, to be honest the town was in dire need of a fun activity. I’ve been to the Dome countless times, the royal pavilion looks like a bell end attached to a crappy box. Don’t even talk to me about the beach, it’s shite, it doesn’t even have sand. I only go out for the seagulls now days and even they’re not as exciting as they used to be.”

We attempted to question the pier owners. As we approached they took off on speed boat towards the shores of mainland Europe. Before fleeing we saw them throw satchels marked with pound signs into the vessel. Much of the sterling notes flying out of one bag.

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