London to open slow walking lanes for smartphone users

The City of London has pledged today to accommodate pedestrians that are not in fact in a rush. While other cities in the UK are introducing fast lanes for people that wish to walk fast London has the opposite problems.

Slow walkers and tourist topped polls of commuters day to day issues. Sometimes slow walkers can cause to commuters to see red creating violent scenes reminiscent of 28 Days Later.

The plan is expected to cut violent crimes in the city by as much as 50%.

The lanes will also provide shelter for the ignorant tourists, people that walk while using Smartphones and short people that couldn’t walk fast if they tried.

The Brighton Gazelle went to London to ask pedestrians what they thought of the move. One hurtled past us shouting “GET OUT OF MY WAY YOU FUCKING TOURIST!!” before disappearing into a crowd of suits.

We attempted to ask another who ranted for an hour but we were not able to grasp a word he said as he spoke a form of Cockney Gibberish.

We attempted to ask people on the tube but were flat out ignored. We found it difficult to find anyone to speak with in the United kingdoms busiest most congested city.

We then noticed one man dragging his heels through Victoria Station with 50 commuters trapped behind him. The commuters trying to unjam him from their path with a barrage of briefcases and umbrellas.

“I‘m pretty much the most persecuted type of person in London. You never hear about people like me in the discrimination reports. It’s a new form of racism. They’re calling it Pace-ism because if you can’t keep up with the hustle they’re chuck you in the gutter with the shit and pigeons. At the moment we’re considered lower than UKIP.”

UKIP has recently added these types of people to their deportation list. Through this change alone they have managed to gather a huge number of extra supporters. The banking sector is throwing huge sums of money into creating double decker paving expected in the next few years.

Let us know what you think on the Brighton Gazelle Twitter and Facebook pages.