Man Missing For 5 Years Found On Delayed Southern Rail Train

A man believed dead or kidnapped, last seen heading off on his morning commute over 5 years ago — has been found alive on a delayed train.

A train boarded at Brighton Station platform 5 completely empty, almost like the Department For Transports very own version of the Mary Celeste. The doors open and a single figure slumped out of the carriage door.

Colin, 45 from the Seven Dials area of Brighton had boarded a wrong train which had malfunctioned and had been roaming the Southern Line autonomously for 1825 days. He survived on liquid dripping through the roof and his own limbs.

When questioned why he decided to snack on himself rather than the buffet cart he said “I’d rather eat my own leg than pay those extortionate prices”.

Train officials believe the train had been long forgotten after a mix up involving staff sickness, a conductor left the train and was never replaced. It had been roaming the Southern Network non stop ever since.

An automated announcement released a statement:

“If you have ever been waiting for a train and then one zooms past without stopping, you sometimes notice that there is no one on board. We believe that that might have been his train.”

The only thing uniting backers of the Brexit leave and remain campaign is their mutual loathing of Southern Rail, when the man was given the current news to help him catch up with what he had missed he requested to be put back on the train which had been his home for so long.

When asked why he didn’t sound the alarm within the train or break the glass he stated “Oh, I hadn’t thought of that”.

He’s hoping to rejoin his wife Angela however it seems she is now living with his mate Gary and has a child. Southern Rail said they will do all they can in the future to prevent this kind of occurrence and finished off with “we apologise for the delay”.