COLLECTING STARDUST (Contest Finalist)
Content warning: Brief discussions of ED and recovery.
INTRODUCTION
Cue the montage labeled “May 2019,” and you’d find me at my most miserable. You’d see me holding onto the edge of a building with my fingernails, the irony being I hadn’t realized just how precarious my situation was until I found my fingers bloody and my feet without support.
Greetings! I’m a final year law student at the time of writing this piece, and I’ve been blessed to have battled and emerged victorious over several demons (big and small) with BTS by my side.
The thing with a phenomenon like BTS is that they find you when it’s your time. Not before, not after. I’ve come to comprehend that people and events have a knack of being arranged in ways the reasons for which we only learn in hindsight, and when it’s your time you’re going to be ready with your palms wide open, receptive towards every last bit of “stardust” which lands.
BTS don’t shove lessons to your face but possess a knack of gently nudging, lightly coaxing you into realizing these on your own. I’ve learned so much, re-realized even more, and have had the pleasure of understanding what makes me, me, at my barest.
WE ARE YIN. WE ARE YANG.
An article I read for my Women Law credit class stated patriarchy does not “exist solely in men – but was described as a force of water in which we all swam and we were the fish” (Caprino, 2018). I learned that patriarchy doesn’t always affect just the female population. There are a lot of sections which unintentionally get fired at due to hard-lined generalizations, assumptions, and assignment of behavioral roles.
Patriarchy, in lay terms, is simply a power imbalance between gender roles. In my society (and I’m sure in several others), men have always been expected to be dominant, masculine, and unemotional and women – nurturers and submissive. I had similar lessons ingrained unconsciously which were put to the test when I started getting into BTS – men who easily partook in cultures and habits traditionally assigned to women-folk.
They pushed this invisible but ever-present boundary of archaic gender roles in so many ways. I was never the one to follow societal norms strictly but was nevertheless very surprised upon seeing them wearing earrings, chokers, make-up (having even collaborated with VT Cosmetics), partaking in skin care, donning female clothing (and professing love for a genderless brand), openly showing love for one another – but my surprise easily morphed into a “changed perception.” This changed perception towards “hetero-normative masculinity” was secondary, yet very welcomed. It’s very easy to compartmentalize anything which differs from the norm. “Masculinity,” the foundational pillar of patriarchy, has come to be seen as an antithesis of “feminine behavior,” and the easiest victims are either K-Pop idols or the LGBTQ community. BTS was a fresh breath of non-toxic masculinity, and they helped in re-affirming that just because someone is in tune with their feminine side doesn’t mean they’ve lost touch with the other.
The release of Map Of The Soul: 7 had me reading up on Carl Jung and the concept of Animus (repressed masculine spirit within a woman) and Anima (repressed feminine spirit within a man). I dug deep and came to acknowledge that “in the collective society it is normalized that a man is in touch with his masculine and rational ego-consciousness. As a result a man’s femininity is usually left behind and pushed deep into the unconsciousness. It is a fact that the anima is often repressed out of fear to be insulted or punished”(Kleinowitz).
“There is this culture where masculinity is defined by certain emotions, characteristics. I’m not fond of these expressions, what does being masculine mean?” (Delgado) remarked SUGA in a recent interview with Teen Vogue, and it stuck with me ever since. Really, what even fits the criteria of being a man and a woman? Masculine and feminine energies belong together. We have always been our own yin and yang.
Today I have zero expectations of how a man or a woman should look and behave. Seeing individuals expressing their inherent energies does not bring that ingrained societal response to the surface anymore. I’ve come a long way from staying neutral to actively supporting and embodying these lessons. Along the way, I’ve re-realized that everyone deserves to be treated with empathy and behavior roles are farce. There is no one rigid bloc of identification. We’re all alive and that’s the biggest gift. This was a life lesson I needed without knowing I did, and I’ve only got my boys to thank for that. As Seokjin eloquently states, –“Do what you like. Don’t worry about what other people might think. What’s important is what you think” (GQ). A statement like this holds weight in gold because millions identify with the message and apply it in their daily lives, beyond the barrier of language and specificities.
The fact that some of my most important life lessons have been absorbed through an off-hand comment by a member or two during an interview or other casual activity is testament of the fact that BTS isn’t made up of a singular hue, like so many people try to claim, but instead, they carry this capability of coloring your skies with myriad shades symbolizing growth, positivity, acceptance, and love – simultaneously easing the blue of pain and melancholia. BTS’s often heralded discography is a part of who they are as human beings. It comes from within them and not the other way around, and that’s exquisite.
SOUL FOOD
Probably one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned to date has got to be my changed relationship with food. BTS inadvertently taught me to see it differently. My relationship with food had tanked hard, and I had developed this habit of connecting to it emotionally over the years. Times when I was left alone with my deteriorating chain of thoughts, I picked up a packet of ramyeon or two (or whatever I could find) to fill that aching hole inside of myself. No doubt, eating made me full for a while, but my heart remained conspicuously empty. I had an ED. I knew I had to put an end to this toxic relationship, but the cycle continued for almost three years. I gained 55 pounds, and my existing body and emotional ailments intensified.
I was miserable, both emotionally and physically. I was in pain and going in circles because emotional eating tended to mediate the relationship between anxiety and loss of control (LC). This LC in itself has been proven to stem from inadequate coping of negative emotions, anxiety, and depression (Goossens, Van Vlierberghe, & Mels). Add to this my suicidal tendencies and I was a ticking time bomb.
For a person who stayed up all night, making it to the morning without succumbing to that “itch” was a herculean task. But, slowly and surely I managed to arrive at a level playing field through BTS’s unintentional aid and guidance. My nights steadily became a time I no longer dreaded because I knew I had Bangtan to catch up to. Even when the sun was out, I found myself eating alongside them in moderation, watching old segments of Eat Jin, BTS preparing and eating food on Bon Voyage, documentaries, and some random Bangtan Bombs.
“Promise” by Jimin is a song I dedicated and sang (cried) to myself during those nights. It’s a mantra I still repeat.
Since when have you been hurting me?
Even you don’t know
You’re hurting too, ’cause you’re mine.
You should be your light, baby
So that you’re not hurt anymore,
So that you can smile. (Promise, Doolset Lyrics)
What sets BTS’s discography apart for me is the fact that in spite of carrying dark themes, they’ve helped me in identifying my yearnings and pain. They gave me a sense of visibility and courage to look into my abyss, descend into that darkness, and face myself.
“Just because others are having difficulties it doesn’t mean yours get any less difficult. Whenever you’re having a hard time, tell others you’re struggling, ask them to understand and comfort you.” (Tweet translation)
I saw them loving what they ate. They were eating because they were hungry, not because they wanted to be full, and that made a world of a difference in my outlook. I saw them eating in moderation and exercising for a healthy body. I realized this belatedly, but they gave me the outlet to cure my ED. My routine is still the same after two years – I go on an hour-long walk daily (I began from a 15 minute mark), listening to their songs via headphones. I still suffer from anxiety, clinical depression, and suicidal tendencies, but it’s so much easier with them by my side. I’ve shed off those 55 pounds, and didn’t even realize I was losing weight till the time I was halfway there. I was unthinkably receiving a world of help during times I was jamming and laughing (sometimes crying) along with them. I realized stuffing myself full doesn’t get rid of what’s inside your head but ultimately makes it worse. I’ve got to be kind to myself. I’ve recovered from my LC and my bond with food has undergone a monumental change. I no longer fear eating, in fact, I’m having a bowl of ramen as I write.
But, what if I relapse? I think I’ll be okay because it’s only human to fail, get up, and embrace failure again.
What about it
If you get hurt, what about it
Sometimes you might be in pain again
Sometimes you might get upset and shed tears
What about it
If you live like that, what about it. (People, Doolset Lyrics)
People have time and again asked me what was my secret, what diet plan did I follow, or what pills did I take? They had no idea that I wasn’t myself for years and still have none. I’ve imbibed a way of living which has happiness, honesty, and self-confidence as building blocks. I’ve started to smile again and mean it. Every day is a battle inside my mind, and I still have lots of ground to cover before I make it to the other side, but when I close my eyes, I can see them cheering for me from the side lines. Some would label this as a negative effect of what is essentially a “parasocial relationship” (Espinal) but we as ARMY know it’s so much more than that. They love me as I love them. We’re each other’s biggest supporters.
“Thank you for being my fans. Our fans. I am also your fan. I am the fan that silently supports you through your personal battles and loneliness in life. Whether I be backstage or in the work room, I send you my fan letters written in long musical notes, through music. I wish you’d read that sound of missing you dearly.” (Tweet translation)
ENDING NOTE
The absence of multiple references to their songs was intentional. When I began writing this piece I had a choice to make, a choice between choosing to write with BTS’s discography at the center of it all, or writing about BTS outside that paradigm, above it all. Since it’s the discography which comes from the heart of what Bangtan is and not the other way round, I chose the latter.
BTS hasn’t taught me secrets of rocket science. No. They’ve imparted lessons immeasurably invaluable. They’ve taught me that self-love isn’t just an abstract concept written about in psychology journals. I’ve come to trust that goodness and hard work ultimately win and empathy is the light that shines the brightest. Having flaws is part of being human, and the fact that I simply exist is absolutely beautiful.
I’ve found magic. I’ve found the stardust I was promised.
Even if you’re in danger on the boundary,
let’s cut through the wind while laughing and chatting
Sometimes run like a fool
With mistakes and in tears, we just go! (So What, Doolset Lyrics)
This essay was chosen as one of the finalists of the first BTS Essay contest hosted by The BTS Effect. Find out more here.
REFERENCES
- @BTS_Trans. (2016, January 11). BTS Translations / Bangtansubs on [Tweet]. Twitter. https://twitter.com/BTS_Trans/status/686615278290137090
- [@cestlavie9090]. (2019, October 14). Just because others are having difficulties it doesn’t mean yours get any less difficult. Whenever you’re having a hard time, [Tweet]. Twitter. https://twitter.com/cestlavie9090/status/1183689056024064001
- Caprino, K. (2018, January 25). Renowned Therapist Explains The Crushing Effects Of Patriarchy On Men And Women Today. Forbes. https://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2018/01/25/renowned-therapist-explains-the-crushing-effects-of-patriarchy-on-men-and-women-today/?sh=ec417e42161d
- Delgado, S. (2020, November 23). BTS Member Suga on Mental Health and Masculinity. Teen Vogue. https://www.teenvogue.com/story/bts-suga-mental-health-and-masculinity
- Espinal, V. (2021, February 21). Parasocial Relationships in K-pop: Emotional Support Capitalism. EnVi Magazine. https://www.ncitymag.com/2021/02/21/parasocial-relationships-k-pop/
- Goossens, L., Braet, C., Van Vlierberghe, L., & Mels, S. (2009). Loss of control over eating in overweight youngsters: The role of anxiety, depression and emotional eating. European Eating Disorders Review, 17(1), 68 – 78. https://doi.org/10.1002/erv.892
- GQ. (2020, September 9). BTS (방탄소년단) Breaks Down Their Style Heroes | GQ [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEiV79v4OCM&feature=youtu.be
- Kleinowitz, S. (n.d.) Animus and Anima – A man’s feminine energies. Stefan Kleinowitz. Retrieved April 14, 2021, from https://www.stefankleinowitz.com/animus-and-anima
- So What. (2018, June 1). Doolset Lyrics. https://doolsetbangtan.wordpress.com/2018/06/01/so-what/
- 약속 (Promise, Jimin). (2018, December 30). Doolset Lyrics. https://doolsetbangtan.wordpress.com/2018/12/30/promise-jimin/
- 사람 (People). (2020, May 22). Doolset Lyrics. https://doolsetbangtan.wordpress.com/2020/05/22/people/
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