Perception Isn’t Everything
‘I really have no idea how you perceive me.’
‘What are you talking about? How is that possible?’
‘Honestly, I don’t know how you see me. I just don’t think you even like me very much.’
We’d been dating a couple months and were sitting across from each other on the couch as he said this very seriously.
As we talked about it, I realized that this ‘perception’ I did have of him wasn’t really how he perceived himself and he was surprised to learn I felt the way I did. The image I had created of him was one made entirely in my head and based only partially on true interactions and facts, and the messages I was giving out didn’t clearly reflect my feelings towards him.
He would say things that he meant as sarcasm but because of my own fears and insecurities, I’d take them seriously and that added to this image I’d crafted in my head and it caused me to pull away. The entire time we had been seeing each other, I thought I had been coming off too strong, that he thought I was needy and overwhelming, and here he thought I just barely tolerated him.
This conversation was kind of a game changer for me. Anytime I’m feeling unsure or insecure about my relationship with another person, I think about how they might perceive me, and how my actions may be adding to that perception.
This concept has also allowed me to ignore, or at least try to ignore, negative opinions or interactions I may have because someone’s perception of me may not actually be my reality. This part has really been key at work when I get screamed at by a rude person- I just think ‘this person’s opinion of me doesn’t reflect who I actually am.’
For an incredibly long time, most people I met thought I was a mean girl. I have been called bitch more times than I can count and as a younger person, I just got even more angry that someone could think that way about me. I’ve been told I have an “aggressive” personality too, which I used to take pretty negatively but now that I live in New York, I take it as a compliment. As I’ve grown up, I‘ve taken the opportunity to examine why that might be the case and it really all came down to how I spoke and interacted with others.
We cannot, in any way, control how someone views us just like we can’t control how someone acts towards us. This isn’t to say that every single thing we do should be done with others in mind in order to avoid any misperceptions, however, if you’re like me and have strong opinions (expressed by a loud voice) that can be occasionally (or more than occasionally) off-putting, it helps to reflect on how your messages are coming off in relation to how you meant them.
Perception is very rarely reality, at least for one side. We all have our own filters through which we see the world and other people, and nothing anyone else does can change or affect those. It’s important to remember this when you are in a relationship, whether romantic, familial, or platonic, because no one knows what is inside your head, and it’s up to you to express yourself in a way that reflects your true meaning.
