The Art and Destruction of Comparison
One of the most beautiful things about this community is the incredible amount of security and awareness that people radiate from their core. I sit in a circle with people I have never met and I listen to them describe themselves with confidence and assurance, but even if it’s about their flaws or their weaknesses, the words come with such strength and validity.
Most days, they inspire me and encourage me to speak my own truth with the same kind of passion and conviction. But there are some days when I don’t know what my truth is and the words barely come, let alone words of strength. It’s those days when I find myself comparing who I am to those I love around me, and it’s not with admiration or kindness but with judgment and disapproval.
I sit on a call with 8 of my fellow Islanders and I listen with awe as they speak about their habits regarding reflection and intention. Many of them are 5 to 10 years younger than me and yet they’re so wise and insightful, and there’s a little part of me that thinks “why am I not at their level? I’ve had more time to get there.” And luckily there is a larger part of me that responds immediately to that annoying little part and says “chill out lady, you’re doing the best you can.”
But it’s hard. It’s hard to be a part of this unbelievably mindful community during my rough patches, listen to the pensive, positive attitudes of my peers and not judge myself for being less strong and sound.
You know how they say some people have rose colored glasses, where they see everything with a lovely positive pink light which keeps them from realistically viewing the less than perfect things in the world? Comparison is like a pair of gray colored glasses that casts a gloomy shadow on even the best parts of you so that all you can see are the imperfections of yourself and your life.
What I try to remind myself is that everyone is subject to comparison. We’re all human beings that are better at some things and have to work harder at others. Like the coworker who I view as so poised and calm, but she envies my ability to express my opinion in meetings. Neither of us is better than the other — we just have different strengths.
Obviously it’s so much easier to say this than to actually do it in the moment when I’m feeling overwhelmed and discouraged, and I’m being too hard on myself.
We really are all on our own journeys. I am in the background of someone else’s story, just like they are in mine. As I look around the crowded subway car in the morning and envy that girl’s hair, and that girl’s clothes, my glasses or my shoes or my anything else could be the envy of someone else.
In these moments when I’m judging myself on the criteria of another person, I try to remember that they probably have their own insecurities and their own fears and are having similar conversations with their own brain that I’m having too.
Right now, this article could be relating to so many of you which would mean you all struggle with the comparison monster too. So what are we doing? Why do we put our emotions through the roller coaster that is comparison and self-judgment?
We are all humans. Those that make it look easy, have their own trials and obstacles, whether or not they let it show. I was always taught to never judge a book by its cover and that concept still remains true. We shouldn’t assume someone has it all together, or that they don’t.
Instead of avoiding the coworker you are threatened by, ask her questions, get to know her. Learn about what her book says on the inside — you may find you actually have many things in common and that behind the beautiful, artfully designed cover that you are jealous of is a completely normal, slightly anxious overthinker that relates to all of the complicated things you are also feeling.
It’s so much easier to let ourselves be run over by the daily inundation of “perfection” we see on social media and advertisements rather than focus on the positive light inside ourselves. Or at least it’s easier for me. I’ve always been sucked in by the negative thoughts; negativity is my body’s reflex. Half of my daily workout is just getting my brain to calm down and stop criticizing everything I do in comparison to the other women in the gym.
But it’s worth it. It’s worth it to fight every negative thought with a calming, positive one. I take those moments when I feel myself sliding down the black hole of comparison and I put myself in that person’s shoes and remember that they have insecurities too, and they’re worried and anxious too.
I’m a human, you’re a human, even Gisele is a human. None of us are made perfectly and that’s the beauty of being on this Earth. Everyone is a work in progress and as long as you are actually in progress (whatever that may look like), you’re doing great.
This story is published in The Business of Being Happy and Healthy, brought to you by the Startup Island community.
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