The Past Can Stay Right Where It Is: In the Past
I’ve spent a better part of my life thinking about, and living in, my past. Not in a totally conscious way- it’s not like I woke up every day trying to relive old memories. Rather, I’d go about my life defining myself based on what had happened before, and it was keeping me from existing in the present.
Although my personality and mentality have always resembled that of a New Yorker, I actually grew up in a small town in southern Ohio. A good portion of my childhood was spent trying to tamp down the differences between me and my classmates, and warding off bullies who capitalized on those differences. As an adolescent, I was consumed by the tumultuous waters of a nasty divorce that came with an entirely new set of challenges I had to navigate. By the time I got to college, I was ready for freedom and independence, which I expressed for the most part, but I still never truly felt like I belonged there.
The unfortunate part about all of this is that I’ve carried these experiences and emotions through my life with me like a really heavy backpack that’s glued to my shoulders. A guy would turn me down and I’d blame it on being “too much” or “not being pretty enough” or any one of the terrible things I had been told by my rude classmates in high school. I’d freak out on my friends after a disagreement because I was so fearful they’d stop being a part of my life and blame it on the abandonment issues I developed after my parents got divorced.
Ever since I left Ohio after my college graduation, the entire state has represented this black hole for me. Every time I return “home,” I feel like I completely lose myself and I become overwhelmed by this exhausting anxiety. It’ll build up inside me before I even touch down in Cincinnati as I anticipate all the negativity that I associate with the whole city. It’s as if my brain muscle memory remembers only the unhappy experiences, rather than the happy ones, and they control me.
It’s just always been a struggle to reconcile my past with my present. The person I was while I lived there isn’t someone that I’m proud of or ever want to return to being, and when I do go back to Ohio, I am always so afraid I’ll slip back into old habits and lose all of the work that I’ve done on myself in the last couple years. Hence the unbelievable anxiety before any journey back.
Recently, I had to go back for the wedding of my childhood best friend. Obviously, this is a happy occasion but I had this mounting dread as the trip got closer. Going back there has always presented challenges and I was so afraid that this time would be just like the last few where I felt like some monstrous green alien among people who just want to shame me for my individuality.
Despite my best preparations, I felt like I was covered with a heavy, wet, wool blanket while I was there- you know, the ugly military grade kind that they tell you to keep in the back of your car in case of emergencies. Right, you get the idea. Even the exciting activities felt like they were clouded by a gray filter rather than my usual technicolor outlook. It wasn’t incredibly pleasant but this time I acknowledged this feeling and rather than letting myself be chained to that mentality, I just sort of let it happen and took some deep breaths.
This time, I tried to remind myself what I do every day working in customer service: Their opinions of me do not reflect who I really am. It functions as a sort of shield from whatever judgments people make about me, or whatever judgments I think they’re making about me (key phrase there.) I knew that this would be the last time I’d be returning for a very long time, and I had a very specific mission- to get my friend married and celebrate her. And that’s exactly what I did. I kept my armor up but I tried to stay in the moment and let the happiness in so that I could try and replace some of the ugly memories with prettier ones.
I guess the point of this is that I’ve finally learned after all these years that the past truly is just the past. It doesn’t have to follow us into the present or the future unless we allow it, and we are the only ones who control it for ourselves. I was letting my experiences from my childhood dictate my mentality in the present and it was keeping me from progressing. It’s really sad to me that I have such a strong resentment towards the place I grew up but I can’t go back in time and change the things that I went through. All I can do is recognize their existence and detach myself from the associated feelings.
It’s amazing the sense of relief that comes with knowing you’re finished with something that brings you pain or discomfort. I wanted to stand next to my friend and watch her get married, and I knew I’d have to subject myself to the whirlwind of anxiety and fear that came with going back to Ohio. But I did it because not going would have brought me a lifetime of regret. Now, I know that I won’t be returning for a very, very long time but I also have the beautiful memories in my mind of seeing her there, saying I do. The weight has left my shoulders, the large animal has left my chest, and I can zip up that chapter of my life and move on.
I am not the person I was when I lived there. I don’t have to be any version of myself other than what I want to be, even when those close to me try to put me in a box. And no one can reverse all of the hard work I’ve done to become a better me.
