The Official 2016 College Football Helmet Championship Series Preseason Ranking Show, presented by Royal Crown Cola
With the season just a few days away, now is the time for our annual late August tradition at The Business of $port: the preseason ranking of college football’s helmet designs.
Once a fairly static list populated by countless dynasties like USC, Alabama and Florida, The College Football Helmet Championship Series, presented by Royal Crown Cola, has become a much more fluid and dynamic hierarchy with the rise in home and away helmets, alternate helmets, supplemental helmets, rivalry game helmets and the weekly University of Oregon runway show (which may or may not have influenced Jared Leto’s attire on more than one occasion).
So without further ado, let’s get to it. Welcome to The Official 2016 College Football Helmet Championship Series Preseason Ranking Show, presented by Royal Crown Cola. And now here’s your host, Pitbull:
25. UCLA (Midnight)
I like these because the matte grey finish evokes a post-apocalyptic L.A. filled with scrapped cars, which is a fitting metaphor for the majority of UCLA’s football history.
24. LSU
Pretty basic formula, but amazing how many can’t nail it: take a nice bold color like LSU’s gold, add a simple two-tone stripe, then close with an iconic helmet decal. The easy trap to fall into would have been a bigger tiger and dialed back school initials, but something about going with an understated tiger–from a school that rarely does anything understated–makes this one a subtle classic.
23. Tennessee (Smoky Mountains)
Varying tones of matte grey representing the Smoky Mountains with a trademark orange checker stripe up the back and a traditional T to tie it all together. After years with Adidas, Nike’s first effort for the Vols should give fans hope: if the team can shed the monotony of their old uniforms, perhaps they might also break out of their rut and finally return to SEC relevance.
22. North Carolina
If it were anybody else, you’d laugh them out of the room for the powder blue and argyle pattern. But it’s the most perfectly Chapel Hill thing and I love it and don’t ever stop, Tar Heels.
21. Penn State
I don’t care what you say, in my book this is the classiest uniform worn by a school whose legendary coach harbored a pedophile for decades.
NOTE: For those of you who will complain that Notre Dame or Army or any of the other blank helmet programs aren’t here: consider this your placeholder for all of the programs who consider a stripe (or less) to qualify as a helmet design. You’ve got to work harder than that if you want to crack the Top 20.
20. Oregon
First off, that wing thing is way better than the O. That should really be the default. And then, when you look at all of the various color permutations the Ducks have rocked in this style, how could you not love this silver and chrome one? Robert Patrick and I particularly like that you guys call this ‘liquid metal.’
19. Cal
Cal’s helmet was like Wilco before Nels Cline: totally worked, couldn’t say anything bad about them, but probably not Hall of Fame material. But the matte design they shifted to in 2015 turned this one into a classic. Unfortunately for Cal fans, thus far most of the players wearing it have not enjoyed a similar transformation.
18. West Virginia
Why does West Virginia finish one spot ahead of Cal for what is almost the identical helmet design? Because the W and V are totally spooning and it’s adorable, that’s why.
17. Oregon State
It’s a super-charged orange beaver with a big black and Duracell-orange stripe. Your counter-argument is invalid.
16. TCU (Purple Chrome)
Though they’re not as cool as the ones that had a blood laser, points to TCU for going for it with a purple chrome look that could have wound up feeling more like a stretch Hummer limo than a football helmet, but somehow totally works.
15. Georgia
So this one is just a red Packers helmet, right? I’ve never been clear on that. Whatever the case, that big, bold G is a good look already, and then you combine it with black and red? Pretty badass (even if we rarely get to see it in a football game with meaningful postseason implications).
14. Stanford (Matte Black)
If Stanford had tried to roll the all-black look a decade ago, everyone would have laughed them out of the club. But after years of Harbaugh and Shaw’s guys beating the hell out of opponents in the trenches, Stanford’s black-on-black uniforms topped by a matte black helmet is actually one of the most fitting, dare I say ‘smashmouth’ looks in college football today.
12. Oregon (Soaring Duck)
This one is a recent addition to the endless Oregon closet and it deserves a regular spot in the Ducks’ rotation. That old school yellow always plays.
13. Navy
It’s like they captured the essence of A Few Good Men in helmet form. (Aaron Sorkin approves, he told me so in a long conversation as we walked through a series of busy hallways.)
11. Florida
The orange and the ‘Gators’ script font work together like vodka and Jello (or like Florida Man and meth).
10. Oregon (Combat Duck)
It has angry Donald Duck on it and comes in a pearlescent white and a black and yellow version. Another one the Ducks should make sure gets regular play at Eugene Fashion Week.
9. Clemson
Am I the only one who wants to cuddle up and drink a Fanta with a large cat every time he sees Clemson on the field?
8. Air Force (Sharktooth)
A freshman this high in the rankings is not normal. But neither is this look.
7. Ohio State
Plenty of programs try, but Ohio State owns the helmet sticker game.
6. Miami
Fun fact: ‘The U’ helmet still holds the #1 spot in the category of “helmet that people have done the most cocaine off of” (college football category; the Dallas Cowboys still hold the overall title).
5. San Diego State
San Diego State’s helmets have a freaking Aztec calendar, which is not cool as a tattoo on your friend from Pacific Beach’s calf, but very cool as a subtle design element on a blood red helmet:
4. Alabama
As with all things ‘Bama, it’s best not to argue. Just accept it and sit quietly until the ‘Roll Tide’ chants subside and they’ll move along.
3. Michigan
I know the Brand Jordan redesign doesn’t touch the helmets. But that doesn’t make this shot–or the Wolverines clean, iconic helmet look–any less awesome. Even looks good standing next to khakis on the sidelines.
2. Texas
No one owns a monochromatic scheme quite as simply or fittingly as the Longhorns’ burnt orange and white.
1. USC
Ok, sure, I am a proud alumnus of The University of Southern California, but that doesn’t make this selection wrong. A classic, USC’s every-game helmet survived Steve Sarkisian’s metallic and chrome experiment and looks to be in much safer hands with Lynn Swann and Clay Helton calling the shots at Heritage Hall now.
Fight On ✌️
