I’m So Pleased That I Divorced the Year After My Wedding
I asked my husband to move out after only 18 months of marriage, and I’m so pleased I did.
I was 28 years old when I got married. We had two children and lived in the small house I’d bought before we met. We both worked full-time. I juggled several part-time roles around childcare and he did regular office hours.
Within a few months of being married, the relationship became very negative. I’ve no plan to describe the things that went wrong in any detail; I have two children and will respect their father because of them.
The summary from my pov would be that my husband regretted the decision to have a family young and craved the bachelor lifestyle, with the children on-the-sidelines. That resentment was directed at me. Financially, he struggled to make great decisions and this added to the strain.
I tried for around 18 months after the wedding, but following a particularly unpleasant exchange, I asked that he leave for good.
Now, a few years down the line, I’m so pleased that I act relatively quickly, and here’s why.
Because we’d only been married a short time, our finances were still largely separate. We hadn’t bought a house together and had no joint debt.
Despite his efforts (that’s another story), the Judge had no problem with my divorce application because there simply was no grey area financially.
My husband took on regular debts for luxury items and I fear that, had we remained married, I’d have been in the position of having to help clear these. Either that, or I’d have continued having to pay for family holidays and activities as he had no disposable income…ever.
A divorce is never pleasant, but not having to argue over finances too much, made the whole process quicker, easier and kept me safe from any bad decisions that had been made by another.
They didn’t notice that he’d moved out. Now they can’t remember us ever living together.
Because they were so young, and I was always been the primary caregiver, there was no trauma for them.
Now they have positive relationships with their blended families and the animosity that comes after a divorce, is so far in the past that it doesn’t impact them today.
I actively encourage my ex to see them as much as possible; I genuinely wish that divorce law made it mandatory for fathers wishing to be involved with their kids to agree to a minimum commitment because they’d love to see him more.
I’m also pleased that my children didn’t grow up seeing our relationship as the reality of married life. I love that they now see their Mom happy and thriving in a respectful relationship.
I was still young when I divorced.
Young enough to push forward career-wise (which was dictated more by my energy and availability than my years).
Once I was free from the unhappiness of the relationship, my career soared. I mean, my business really took-off and I flew with it.
Young enough to meet someone new and still have most of my life with them.
It doesn’t matter how old you are when you find love, I am just grateful that we’ve got so many years ahead of us still.
Young enough to still have another child with my fiancé, if we choose to.
4. My own wellbeing
The 18 months that I was married were unhappy ones.
My husband’s constant criticism and nasty names for me ate away at my confidence and sense of self-worth like the hungry caterpillar.
Had I let it continue the way it was, my self-esteem would have been even more deeply damaged and it would have taken me longer to rebuild.
I definitely came out of the marriage feeling embarrassed and ashamed that I hadn’t managed to ‘make it work.’ I felt that I’d let everyone down. I felt that people were judging me everywhere I looked. I cost my parents money (they helped pay for the wedding). I deprived my children of a future with their father.
But now, I’m pleased I didn’t stick with it for longer, because I may have come to accept the relationship as my best reality and it definitely wasn’t. Not for me or my kids.
Deciding to walk away from a marriage is a difficult, life-changing decision that affects many people.
I tried. I mean I really tried to improve the relationship, but things just got worse and I truly believe that I could never have altered that marriage for the better.
While I would never ‘advocate’ divorce, I know that I made the best decision for myself and my children and I’m pleased I called it quickly.