Patriot Games —Your first Political Debate Guide

Disgruntled American needs booze to get through political debate.

That was my original headline and yes, yes I do. I’ve already slated tomorrow as a hangover day, so I’m at a bar writing this on my phone having a cuppa.

There are no words to describe my absolute frustration with this year’s political choices. No, I’m not being biased. I hate nearly all of them — third parties included. But, that doesn’t really matter because our “media” outlets continue to ignore candidates due to their own personal agendas.

I’m rambling.

Sips. Winces. Tequila gets me.

He/she’s great.

I really didn’t want to watch tonight’s debacle, but seeing as one of the greatest watering holes on this side of Riverview will allow my drinking game, I figure why the f*ck not? Let’s have fun. (The Roomer is one of the best bars here, if you get the chance to go. Seriously, rumor has it all Kennedy’s got laid in the speakeasy below.)

Anyway, let’s begin. You need a bottle of hard alcohol and some beer/wine/coolers/whatever — pick your poison.

You must take a sip of beer if…
- Hillary or Donald say the word “freedom” or talk about “freedom” or define the word “freedom”.
- Someone promises to “better America”. I figure this’ll happen a lot so that’s why you’re sipping beer.
- Donald or Hillary laughs at one’s answer.
- Donald or Hillary cut one another off.
- Donald or Hillary claim that either/or is not qualified to be president.

You must take a shot of whiskey (or your poison) if…
- Donald talks about Hilary’s emails (IE: Democratic convention, Benghazi).
- Donald makes a sexist remark about her or women.
- Donald suggests the country would be better off if Hillary was shot.
- Donald says “All lives matter”.
- Donald says “This president…”
- Hillary coughs.
- Hillary brings up the environment (which she hasn’t since Bernie dropped out).
- Hillary says “Bernie Sanders”.
- Hillary brings up Donald’s disrespect for women.
- Hillary talks about Donald’s hair.

You must shotgun/chug your beer (or poison) if…
- Donald brings up the Clinton family conspiracy.
- Donald says “Monica Lewinsky”.
- Donald suggests “menstruation impairs a woman’s judgement” (a 2–1 deal [see above].
- Hillary talks about Donald’s family history with Alzheimer’s.
- Hillary brings up Donald’s tax record and his refusal to show it.
- Hillary brings up Donald’s child rape case.

You must drink all your alcohol if…
- Hillary gets Donald to admit he doesn’t really want to be president.
- Hillary gets Donny to admit he’s only running per her request (you got punk’d GOP!).
- Donald gets Hillary to admit she sabotaged Bernie’s chances.
- Donald gets Hillary to state her and Bill still “get intimate”.

There you have it. Load up and get ready, fellas. It’s going be a long night either way. A long night? F*ck it’s going to be a long political season.

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