Slacking Off—Premier League Edition
Part 2
For the past few years, Patrick Onofre and Will Clarke have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations on Slack. This is one of them.
Part 1 | Part 3
Patrick: Soccer is in continuous, perpetual motion, and I think all of us are #blessed with the constant stream of press clippings we get to gobble up and consume. Between the managerial changes and the transfer talk drama, maybe it’s just another day in the Premier League, though?
Will: Maybe? No, Patrick, it is. It just is. But boy, what an insane past few days it’s been. It’s like an episode of DeGrassi or something: breakups via texts, players cut from the team, managerial departures and arrivals and will-they-won’t-theys… all we need is the Drake of the Premier League getting shot and paralyzed from the waist down and we’ve got a series!
Patrick: See, I get the reference, but then I also think of that version of Drake, and then this analogy goes off the rails.
Like the Premier League off-season! (See how genius I am at tying everything together?) But speaking of drama, what’s going on with your boys and Virgil Van Dijk? Why you gotta be stirring up the pot?
Will: Wow, what a segue that was! It’s like we’ve been doing this for years!
As for us, though, I dunno. This isn’t the good, James Harden kind of stirring the pot either. FSG has had issues in the past with this behavior though (if you remember the Clint Dempsey debacle with Fulham about 5 years ago), and it’s really cost us this time, given how great a player Virgil Van Dijk would be for this team. Stick him and Matip on our backline, and I feel a lot better about our defense, even with our inherent tactical flaws there. Now? I have no clue. At least we might get Mohamed Salah…?
The sad thing is, we don’t even get a consolation prize out of this like Atletico Madrid does with their transfer problems. Sigh.
Patrick: Maybe it’s because we’ve been covering the Bundesliga too long, but the enjoyment I’m getting from the schadenfreude is over the top. All season, we’ve been discussing how much Liverpool need a solid CB pairing, they get their chance with VVD, and then, somehow, they ruin it all! It’s like Theresa May calling her shot in a Babe Ruthian manner to consolidate power, and then blowing it. Astonishing strategy.
And DON’T GET ME STARTED on my new La Liga love, Atlético, who… get to keep Griezmann on a technicality? What? That must make Manchester United maaaaaaaaaaaaad…
Will: Yeeeeah, I’m not enjoying the schadenfreude as much. Shocker. At least United is unhappy too…
You know who else is unhappy, though? Legions of Arsenal fans! Why? Because #ArseneIn, baby! On a scale of 10–10, how much are you enjoying Arsene Wenger staying, and how do you actually feel about that move? Smart to keep him around, or are they blowing their shot at a possible improvement from, say, Thomas Tuchel?
Patrick: Definitely a 20,000 on that scale, Will! And I’m not the only one who’s excited: the airplane banner message companies must be squeeing with delight, too!
Will: I’ve already bought my shares in Acme Airplane Banner Co., to be honest. If you weren’t on that train months ago, then the entry cost is a lot higher now!
Patrick: The thing is, while he’s not going to win the title, he’s incredibly consistent, earning European qualifications as expected as Trump reaction-tweeting in the wee hours of the morning. I feel Gunners fans’ agony, though. It’s like Bill Murray in Groundhog’s Day, where they’re reliving the same day over and over and over again, never winning the title and ultimately getting knocked out of a European tournament by Bayern Munich or Barcelona, leading to the part in the movie where they’re left to figure out unique ways of committing suicide, and yet still waking up to Sonny & Cher’s “I Got You Babe” the next morning.
Will: It’s fair for Arsenal fans to feel overwhelming covfefe at this decision, and I can definitely understand a mass hatred of Stan Kroenke. It’s like in the NBA: the question for a lot of playoff teams is whether they’re content being just that. Maybe they win a round or two, but they’re never contenders… but is it worth it to rebuild in hopes of a higher ceiling, even when the danger is a lower floor? Personally I think the answer is yes, but there’s something to be said for the level of consistency Wenger has brought to the club, especially in qualifying for Champions League up until this year.
That said, this is a club in flux with or without Wenger, and I don’t think the media predictions will be kind to them either way going into next season.
However, there was a Frenchie who got voted off the island in this episode of Premier League Survivor: Claude Puel’s reign at Southampton is done after one season! Between the Puel departure, the VVD transfer saga, and possibly a Tuchel chase, what do you make of the Saints’ situation right now?
Patrick: Southampton is going through an evolutionary process. They started with their plan to survive the top tier and become an established Premier League club—check. Then it was to work their way up the table while selling stellar stars to earn more money for updating facilities, their academy, and scouting capabilities—check. Now they are in phase three, where they take themselves too seriously and view themselves as Europa League qualifiers. It’s made them change from being patient and improving their club gradually to becoming a bit brash. However, when you consider what they’ve been able to accomplish, I can’t blame them; they’re the model for every newly-promoted club, and there’s only so long you can wallow in the middle of the table before you get a bit restless (ask Everton fans).
Will: So do you think they have a realistic shot at Tuchel then? And either way, what do you think their next step is (or should be)? There’s also been word about a Chinese takeover, which could drastically shake things up, but given the whole VVD saga along with a new manager, they could feasibly try to convince Van Dijk to stay, bring in a hot-button manager, and keep building their reputation. The gap between the top 6–7 and everyone else was huge this season, so I can’t blame them for wanting to try to close it a bit…
Patrick: If Tuchel, or some other big name manager, comes in, I think Van Dijk stays for maybe another season. But as we discussed on our podcast, the gap seems practically insurmountable at the moment. Depending on the stipulations and terms, a Chinese takeover might be what this club needs to get the financing necessary to break into that top 7 and start competing regularly on the European stage.
Tuchel helps that happen, too. An experienced manager with a large emphasis on scouting and a good reputation (maybe not with players and upper management — I wonder what those “backroom squabbles” at Borussia Dortmund were supposedly about?) who could draw some B-level world class talent that could take them to the next level. I legitimately think they have a shot at hiring him… if they can afford it. That would feel like a huge reversal on their past philosophy, but as the saying goes, you gotta spend money to make money.
Will: Yeah, I would definitely agree that Southampton would probably have to take some risks if they want to try to take the next step up, and in the back of their mind (as well as mine) there’s gotta be some fear of mismanagement by the possible new owners, or of a few transfers gone bad that dries up the talent well a significant amount. But, if you wanna win the lottery, you gotta make the money to buy a ticket. And for what it’s worth, I would love to see Tuchel at Southampton; it would be an incredibly interesting project for club and coach, and if he can bring in some new talent and work with some of the pieces they have there I think there’s legit potential.
Patrick: It would be incredible, but I’m also nervous about his constant tinkering. We’ve seen over and over and over again the negative effects when managers frequently mess with formations and tactics, and that could be detrimental to Soton’s plans for a table climb. Hopefully Tuchel learned from his time at BVB and will adjust as necessary.
Will: There’s one more managerial hiring in the Premier League to get to, but first, I just want to note that Hull City have actually made a solid hiring in Leonid Slutsky, former CSKA Moskva manager. And I don’t just mean in terms of quality, though that’s a fantastic get for them. I mean they’ve got a borderline superhero, looking at how Slutsky’s playing career ended:
“It is true. I got the injury at 19 when I was climbing a tree looking for a neighbour’s cat. I ended up as a hero in my village because I saved the cat. Unfortunately, I also fell out of the tree and injured my knee.”
Patrick: I appreciate that the photo Hull posted of Leonid Slutsky is him in a black suit with a semi-unbuttoned white dress shirt, a la Marco Silva’s regular attire. So either that’s the standard Hull dress code or they’re making a subtle attempt to show that things won’t be that different next season. He’s a fantastic hire, and either way, you’ve got someone who risked his life for a feline, so imagine what he’d do for the Hull Tigers! (I think that’s the comparison they’d want us to make.)
Will: I’m just impressed that Hull possibly wanted some form of continuity, given how tumultuous the last couple years have been!
Patrick: Speaking of comparisons people want made, I see where you’re going with this: Marco Silva’s move to Watford. I’m left to reel like the Bluth family in Arrested Development about George Michael’s choice in romantic partners: her? Is Watford funny or something? With so many suitors, I wonder why he decided to go to the Hornets. Maybe rumors about the other suitors were untrue? Maybe he could buy better suits and dress shirts? So many speculations! Do you think it’s a good fit, like his fitted suits?
Will: I feel the same way with Marco Silva, though. Even if Southampton didn’t want him (and I didn’t think he was the best fit there anyways), he likely could have had a number of choices of clubs to depart to. Even if most of them weren’t exactly outstanding, it still makes you wonder why he chose Watford… and I’m not sure about how he fits there, honestly! It depends how they adjust to his style, though, because last year Watford was just a generic, putrid, classic English kind of team. Silva coming in shows a commitment to at least a bit more attractive style, and maybe he can help rebuild a roster that seems a little… bare. I’m also not sure what team would fit him best, though, so I guess I don’t mind the hire too much? Maybe he just wanted to ensure this was a stepping stone for him, so he knew with Watford he’d effectively only have a one year contract!
Patrick: If we’re thinking it’s a stepping stone kind of move, then it is probably a great choice for Silva; we saw what he did in Hull, so imagine if he can fix this reclamation project! If not another coaching gig, then a show on HGTV is definitely in his future.
Will Clarke and Patrick Onofre are the creators of The Challengers Podcast, a soccer website and podcast that discusses the Premier League, the Bundesliga, and La Liga. Listen to their show on iTunes, like them on Facebook, and follow them on twitter — @ChallengersPod.
