The Room

An in-depth analysis of a disturbing emerging pattern

Already, this Premier League season has seemingly had more tumult than Brendan Fraser’s acting career, and despite attempts to revolutionize the game in England with an influx of foreign forward-thinkers, it looks just about as dated as well. Some may attribute all this to a war between tradition and paradigm shifts, while some will mutter something under their breath about frigid, precipitous weekday evenings in a certain Staffordshire city.

In reality, though, something else is amiss. Something that involves some of the top manager(s) in the world, something that stretches from Manchester all the way to Newcastle-upon-Tyne and possibly beyond.

Something wicked this way comes, and it has to do with that most infernal development of human civilization, that eerie confine that haunts some of the most legendary minds of this era of English football: the room.

David Moyes has not had a good start to the season. He was rumored to be sacked if Sunderland couldn’t pull off a win against Bournemouth, and it’s taken a mental toll on the head of football’s powerful crossing lobby.

So much, that he reportedly spends nights after games in a darkened room. This is a man who brought prolonged success to Everton, managed the largest team in England, and tested his mettle in La Liga, and now he’s managing Jermain Defoe, Jordan Pickford, and nine players who couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn with a cross given 90 minutes against Hull City’s defense. Then again, the team hardly scrounged up nine players in the first place, according to Moyes, so maybe we shouldn’t be shocked. Still, for the former Manchester United manager to be reduced to a living Simon & Garfunkel song, it takes a lot of bad mojo.

This is the beginning of a troubling trend, with Moyes only next in line to be plagued by such maladies. Jose Mourinho, he of the Special powers and intense media hatred, has proven that he, too, is fallible by the dark arts of room and board. Never one to mince words, he stated that life in his hotel is a “bit of a disaster,” which is essentially saying that taking a ride on the Titanic “didn’t go as planned.”

Before you get too suspicious as to the shadowy nature of rooms and hotels, it does go the other way. Liverpool is currently top of the table after 11 matches, which can only be attributed to their adorable yet shockingly reasonable hotel demands. Real Madrid sits atop the table in La Liga, clearly motivated by Cristiano Ronaldo’s new hotel and the motivational quote front and center in it: “Your love makes me strong. Your hate makes me unstoppable.” Room won Brie Larson Best Actress at the Oscars, while Green Room is a critical darling of an indie movie.

But look at another movie: The Room. The Tommy Wiseau classic has staying power to this day, and its prophetic tendencies towards Jose’s Manchester United only add to the immense charm. Consider:

• “I DID NOT HIT HER. I DID NOT. OH HAI MARK.” Clearly this refers to the physical defense of Manchester United, and their occasional aversion to playing actual defense. The mark refers to their man-mark (presumably as he waltzes by for a shot on goal), and due to the pugilistic nature of the statement, it can be inferred that the speaker is Marouane Fellaini.
• “Johnny’s my best friend.” Again, Fellaini as the speaker, this time referring to his midfield partnership of sorts with Juan “Johnny” Mata. This displays just how out of whack United’s chemistry is.
• “Leave your stupid comments in your pocket” clearly refers to the new dissent rules in the Premier League in reference to bookings. Manchester United is the 5th most disciplined team in the league thus far this year, with the 4th most fouls per game. Coincidence? Hardly.

So we return to Jose and his hotel woes. They have been pretty well-documented in the past, but in his first season at Old Trafford it seems to have come to a head. If Jose’s life were a horror movie, this season would be the centerpiece, and everything before just backstory and exposition to be sprinkled throughout the film whenever it’s convenient to character development. This season has been “a bit of a disaster,” one where he can’t cross a bridge to eat, can’t cook, and as a result has resorted to, well:

“I have my apps and I can ask for food to also be delivered.”

If that isn’t a perfect opportunity for UberEats or GrubHub, I don’t know what is. But this is heart-wrenching for Jose. This is Rear Window, except he gets to leave his apartments to attend matches (or, when he isn’t serving a touchline ban, manage them). On second thought, given his recent form, it might be more Disturbia than Rear Window…

Still not a believer in the bad juju of rooms, the gravitational pull of hotel mojo? Just look at the team this season: Zlatan Ibrahimovic, he of the man bun and the man bra, left Manchester United’s hotel, the Lowry, for Manchester City’s hotel, because the former didn’t have a swimming pool. And the other front-page acquisition over the summer, one Paul Labile Pogba, had in his transfer deal a condition that made former team Juventus buy Pogba a new house. It can only be assumed that said house was built on the burial grounds of the last vestiges of Sir Alex Ferguson’s legacy, the remnants that had not yet evacuated the premises of Manchester quite yet.

Nobody is safe from this mayhem. David Moyes came within a Jermain Defoe hair’s length of losing his job. Jose Mourinho, the Special One, is scrapping with Everton for Europa League ball on the biggest stage in English football. Hell, Barça stayed at the Lowry Hotel for their clash with Manchester City in the Champions League, and as if Jose went all Ghost in the Machine on Luis Enrique’s hotel room, Barcelona lost the match 3–1.

To any and all managers who must deal with the dangers and pitfalls that come with hotels, with rooms without sufficient lighting, or with a dire lack of swimming pools, beware. The Curse of the Special One knows no bounds.

Will Clarke is co-creator of The Challengers Podcast, a soccer website and podcast that discusses the Premier League, the Bundesliga, and La Liga. Listen to their show on iTunes, like them on Facebook, and follow them on twitter — @ChallengersPod.