How to Avoid Buying a Cat

While I personally own a kitty, they are just not for everyone. Cats require veterinary care, food, etc. That’s why accidentally buying a cat can be a huge downer for some less feline-friendly individuals. I feel sympathetic towards people who unintentionally purchase a cat, and would like to reach out with my top tips that I can almost guarantee will help them to not buy a cat.

Tips and Tricks to Steer Clear of Purchasing a Cat

• It’s never a good idea to buy a kitten if you don’t want a cat. Many kittens turn out to be cats in the long run.
• If someone tries to sell you a “free mystery box,” just say no. The only time this rule does not apply is if you check the contents of the box before the transaction. Similarly, be wary of free cat carriers.

Not an O’possum: Always Check for the Scaly Tail (Image source)

• When it comes to buying an o’possum, avoid naughty little posers, like the one shown above. While it can be difficult to differentiate between Didelphimorphia endemic and Felis catus, they are actually not the same species! Save your money for a real o’possum. (O’possums are great for those occasions when you need to bring rabies home for the whole family and ruin the day.)
• Never buy cat litter. Once non-cat owners purchase this pussycat paraphernalia, they often feel buyers’ remorse. Cat litter makes a terrible body scrub and is delicious in neither sweet, nor savory, recipes. If you buy cat litter, chances are, you’ll feel the temptation to get a cat in order to put it to good use; avoid this trap!
• If someone asks, “Would you like to buy this cat?,” tell them “No!”
• If the same person asks “Will you give me some money? In return I will give you something, but you will not know what it is until later, and you cannot take it back,” say “Probably.” It is unlikely that the same person would try to sell you a cat twice.

A Future “Feline” Hatched to Haunt You? (Image source)

• Avoid pet stores. Even if you do not intend to purchase a cat when you arrive, you may find yourself surprised. A vast amount of unsubstantiated evidence shows that the large majority of cats in pet stores are evil serpents that were bewitched by warlocks. These reptilian by-products of sorcery are no joke. They are trained magical adepts on a mission to steal ketchup from your home. Once these creatures have donned their furry disguises, they are sure to hypnotize you until you adopt them.
• Arrange “Not My Lost Cat” posters around your neighborhood. This sends a fairly clear message that you are NOT in the business of re-purchasing a pre-paid cat with ransom money.

Flyer Suggestion

• With regard to extremely nebulous, and thus influential reports, MANY cats pose as synthetic Halloween decorations. A brave whistleblower in New Jersey recently released a telling exposé. Bethany of Newark laments, “I bought it in a Michael’s parking lot. It came to life and bothered my children every night by singing Bob Seger’s ‘Still The Same.’ I became convinced that it was an actual cat after noting something lifelike about its hard, glitter stare. Also, it cried to be feed.” Bethany also relayed the information that she “does not really like” listening to Bob Seger any longer.

I hope this information helps anyone who does not want to buy a cat to avoid feline ownership. Approximately 100% of cat owners have at least one cat. That’s a seriously scary statistic!

Disclaimer: This is a satirical article. It was written as humor and does not contain any sincere advice, facts, or quotations. No Halloween decorations, animals, or celebrities were harmed, though one cat was offended.