Why do owls keep stealing my belongings?
“For almost five years now, I’ve had a problem with owl-related theft,” teary and anonymous Devin Jones of Lincoln, Nebraska divulges. “Why are they doing this? How do I make it stop?”
Devin Jones, our incognito correspondent, goes on to list several missing items. He insists that the grand petty larceny he experienced is the work of owls, or possibly “that stupid ex-girlfriend.” Among his precious purloined goods, Jones has described a small half-used tube of Crest 3-D white from his dentist, a black woolen cloak, and a magic wand.
This unnamed informant is right to be angered and perplexed. The Owl Purloining Patrol Service (OOPS!) reports that “Somewhere between 0 and 91.364% of small items stolen within the United States were taken by owls.” OOPS! goes on to explain, “They work in teams. We call it the ‘hoot and scoot.’ First, one owl makes a startling noise from a tree top location. After the ‘hooter’ makes his cry, the ‘scooter’ goes into action, stealing the loot.”
Like our brave and unnamed whistleblower Devin Jones, who definitely lives on Green Street in Lincoln, Nebraska, others have experienced the same avian terrorism.
“It was definitely an owl,” reports Rebecca Hodgins, of Milwaukee, “unless it was a person who was about 5'7” who was wearing a purple coat.”
What’s the Real Story?
Although we are working on official reports from National Geographic, all national zoos, David Attenborough, OSHA, and Harry Potter, we have yet to receive a response from any of these entities. Could they have something to hide? We went local.
Bernard Roach, a handyman awaiting licensure in South Carolina, cooperated. He’s a pending team member at the contracting company Kinda Fixed, so we knew we were dealing with a professional. According to Roach, “I mean, one time I saw some owls nestin’ up inna attic onna insulation call. Coulda been doin’ sum’pin. Hell, I dunno.”
We attempted contact with an Eastern Barn Owl, pictured below. After our thwarted efforts with the authorities, we were unsurprised to receive a litany of invasive answers. Most of his comments included “Polly” and “cracker.” That’s a weak defense if we’ve ever heard one.
Top Tips to Keep Owl-Related Theft at Bay
We’ve tested each of these strategies and are sharing them with the public to keep you and your belongings safe. If you agree to any of the following statements, the nocturnal nappers could be targeting you.
- I saw an owl steal from me.
- Most of my belongings are mice, and I leave them outside each night.
- I frequently place belongings in an owl’s nest.
- It’s my personal policy to mark everything I own with a “Free for owls” label.
- There is a sign in my yard which says, “If you are an owl, steal from me.”
- I just got in a bar fight with an owl who is a felon and I’ve positively identified him on my property.
A Word of Encouragement
Please, be reassured that you do not need to be too concerned about these predators. They can be found in 100% of U.S. states. Their heads swivel 270 degrees. This is likely to detect items to steal. Every owl has signed a pact to rob humans blind. In the long run, it’s not all that bad.
Has an owl recently stolen from you? Please report the incident to OOPS! immediately. We value our readers and are committed to helping them and providing quality information.
Disclaimer: This information is not factual..though Roach, D. stole a 9.75 oz. bad of Cool Ranch Doritos from me, and should be publicly outed.
