O’Reilly Decides to Not Leave Brain at Home Today

NEW YORK — Following Bill O’Reilly saying that the slaves that built the White House were well fed, O’Reilly decided that it was essential for him to bring his brain to work today. The brain, which lays in a jar and connects to O’Reilly using a series of tubes, was apparently left at the O’Reilly household yesterday. We spoke to O’Reilly about this breaking development as well as his daily routine:

“I’ve always felt the need to preserve my brain for the slow news cycles. That’s why I keep it in a jar at my house. I mean, I normally don’t even need it when I make my show. Why wear something out when you don’t need to?
Today though felt like a day I should bring it along to work though so I did. Nothing wrong with that! I repeat there is nothing wrong with that. I don’t know why you guys are interested in this, this isn’t even real news!”

It is unclear what how O’Reilly’s brain affects the show. The Chicago Globe’s research team has been analyzing footage of O’Reilly’s show and has not yet found a substantial difference in the quality of the programming.

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Jackson Dyehard is a reporter for The Chicago Globe. If you have a tip you can reach him either be emailing him at jacksondyehard@gmail.com or by contacting him on Twitter.

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