From Rolling Joints to Dating Ghosts

In 2016, my relationship of six years came to an end. A few years later, at my friends’ insistence, I got online. After all, everyone’s doing it. It’s supposed to be easy and fun. But I’d also heard so many horror stories. What was a romantic like me doing on an app?

Setting up my first profile was fun, though. I imported my “best self” from Instagram, accompanied by Q+A’s. “What’s your favorite game to play at a party? Roll the perfect joint in 90 seconds.”

My party trick attracted a guy who really intrigued me. We had a lot in common, way more than just rolling nice joints. Plus, he was handsome, which never hurts. As we set up our first date, I wasn’t sure how to feel. Excited to take a chance? Or jaded because of everything I’d heard?

Is this what dating has come to? Compromising quality for quantity? Accepting actions like “ghosting” or “cloaking” as the norm?

Walking into a dimly lit cocktail bar, I immediately saw his tall, dark silhouette. His smile was so bright. We hit it off, which took me by surprise. As we were talking, he whipped out a skinny, cylindrical wooden case for a single joint, his current side project. Did I just meet my perfect match? After a few minutes of playing name-the-product, I dubbed (or doob-ed?) it “doobtube,” which became the official product name.

One date became another and the next thing I knew, we were dating. I couldn’t believe my luck. Where was the horror story? Four months in and things were easy, being together just made sense. Then one weekend he disappeared. Not for good. But the vibes between us completely changed.

I was distraught, but my friends tried to tell me this was normal, explaining it as, “You know, not fully ghosting but just keeping you there as an option.” I wanted more than just being an option, and couldn’t let go as long as there was even the slightest pulse.

I had to eventually, though. New conversations on Hinge became overwhelming. So I deleted the app and I haven’t been back online since. Even after deleting it, it’s been one game of hide-and-seek after another. Is this what dating has come to? Compromising quality for quantity? Accepting actions like “ghosting” or “cloaking” as the norm?

…alongside this ease and abundance comes an unspoken responsibility — to be honest and considerate to those who give us their time.

Although things didn’t work out (for the best), my first online experience was significant, as it marked my introduction to the reality of the love paradigm we live in.

My biggest takeaway: Dating in the era of digital has given us the opportunity to meet people at the touch of a finger, but alongside this ease and abundance comes an unspoken responsibility — to be honest and considerate to those who give us their time. It may seem easier to walk away but time is precious, and even the smallest actions can have a greater impact on others whether we realize it or not.

This essay is part of a series about relationships, dating, and friendship, sponsored by Chorus, the matchmaking app where friends swipe for friends.