How I Redesigned First Dates

And why it’s good to take it slow

Mindy Zhang is designing slower, more intentional first dates, and we here at Chorus are thrilled to partner with her in hosting the next Slow Date on April 11 in New York City. Sign up at www.theslowdate.com.

Mindy Zhang hosting the first ever Slow Date

Technology has given us broader access than ever before to romantic prospects but it has also created new challenges:

• We spend more time interacting with dating apps than face-to-face with actual humans.
• It’s hard to communicate our authentic selves in online dating profiles and messaging threads. It’s also difficult to understand who someone else really is.
• We plan first dates designed for efficient evaluation, forcing ourselves to conclude yes or no with as little time investment as possible.

As we all know by this point, dating — what should be a source of joy and romantic potential — can leave us feeling tired and disconnected.

For the past couple months, I’ve been redesigning first dates through a project called Slow Date. My goal was to create a more meaningful and authentic experience — one that makes us feel connected and seen, not judged or ghosted.

What would it look like to create something that’s brimming with meaning at a very small scale?

Why first dates?

This project was a confluence of multiple sources of inspiration.

First and foremost, I wanted to celebrate my partner, Ben. Our first real date involved answering Arthur Aron’s 36 questions that lead to love. We spent over five hours understanding each other, being curious and open to surprises. It was the most engaging romantic encounter I’d had and I was left wondering, “What if all first dates were like this?”

Second, having spent my career in tech, I found myself using scale as a proxy for meaning. Whenever I sat down to make something I would think: how many people will this reach and how can I reach them most efficiently? I wanted to challenge myself to reverse this mindset: What would it look like to create something that’s brimming with meaning at a very small scale?

In an era when most of our daily interactions happen digitally, when time and attention feel scarcer than ever, the world needs more in-person connection. Genuine, generous connection. First dates are opportunities for joy, excitement, curiosity, and relatedness, and yet dating apps often make us feel lonelier and less appreciated.

Ideally participants leave thinking: How might I approach first dates with more openness, curiosity, gratitude, hopefulness, and confidence?

Design process

While I was inspired by the 36 questions, I wanted to design something completely different that captured my point of view.

Improving first dates is a tall order. I had a lot of help in the design process:

• 20 user interviews to understand what makes a great first date and what problems people face
• Mentorship from experience designers
• Support and accountability from Ignite, women’s creative leadership group led by Majo Molfino
• Feedback from a prototype trial run with friends

A few salient learnings:

1. Most people approach first dates with an evaluative mindset. How might I decide whether this person is right or not in as little time as possible? As a result, first dates can often feel like job interviews. That kind of anxiety doesn’t give people the safety to show up as their best, most authentic selves.
2. The most common criticism of a bad first date: “This person is boring.” Many interviewees claimed to know within the first 5 minutes (sometimes the first 60 seconds!) whether someone is going to captivate their attention. As E.E. Cummings wrote, “Always a more beautiful answer that asks a more beautiful question.” I was curious if Slow Date could help reveal someone’s most beautiful traits with the right questions.
3. First dates often conclude with miscommunication or no communication. Out of all the steps in the dating process, follow up produces the most anxiety. If we’re not romantically interested, we worry about leading others on but we also don’t want to make anyone feel bad. And sometimes we do want to maintain the option of seeing them again, just in case our other date this week doesn’t pan out. If we are interested, we agonize over how to “play it cool” and avoid coming off as over eager. As a result, we’re left guessing: What did this person think of me? Are they rejecting, ghosting, or playing it cool? What should I do next? This leads to stalling. Messaging threads fizzle out. So many romantic opportunities are missed simply due to decision paralysis.
4. I want to evolve how we think about first dates. Ideally participants leave a Slow Date thinking: How might I approach first dates with more openness, curiosity, gratitude, hopefulness, and confidence?
5. Slow Date isn’t for everyone. In creating an IRL experience, it was important to define my purpose and filter for people who are bought into that purpose. The Art of Gathering talks about the importance of generous exclusion.

“People who aren’t fulfilling the purpose of your gathering are detracting from it, even if they do nothing to detract from it. This is because once they are actually in your presence, [you] will want to welcome and include them, which takes time and attention away from what (and who) you’re actually there for. Every single person affects the dynamics of a group. Excluding well and purposefully is reframing who and what you are being generous to.

Make purpose your bouncer. Let it decide what goes into your gathering and what stays out.”

“This is what dating should be like”

Taking risks

At multiple points in the design process, I took leaps of faith. For example:

1. Event format

• I got mixed feedback about hosting a facilitated group event in which each person spends the entire time with only one match. Many interviewees wanted either a traditional speed dating event (i.e. mingling with as many people as possible) or a 1:1 experience with their match.
• I decided to do the group event because (a) I had conviction I could create a beautiful and intimate space, and (b) I wanted to challenge traditional speed dating. Instead of brief, surface level interactions, what might it feel like to spend two hours with one person? To move past the initial anxiety of meeting someone new and really connect ?

2. Follow up communication

• How would participants follow up with each other after Slow Date? I initially considered being the go-between — i.e. each person would email me what they thought of their date, and I’d pass it along. During user interviews, people gave positive feedback about this method and felt comfortable with it.
• I instead pushed participants out of their comfort zone by requiring them to communicate directly with their dates. Transparent, open-hearted communication is an important practice, especially if participants are looking to be in a committed relationship. This felt more authentic to the Slow Date ethos. (Here are the guidelines I sent after the event)

In these moments of risk, I thought back to advice I got from Levina Li, a talented experience designer. Early in my process, she imparted two nuggets of wisdom:

1. Stay true to my purpose. What magic do I uniquely bring to the experience? Instead of deviating from that vision, how might I give participants what they need to fully engage with it?
2. View the first event as exactly that: the first iteration of 100. There’s no better way to design than to ship, learn, and improve.

Shipping the event

I hosted the first Slow Date event this past weekend in my apartment. I was delighted that people were willing to join me in taking a risk with little context.

Some quotes from the feedback form:

• “After years on dating apps, Slow Date was a breath of fresh air. Appreciate the thoughtful match making and really enjoyed the event format.”
• “This was a very personal experience with a total stranger. Conversation went a lot deeper than a typical first encounter.”
• “This is what dating should be like”
• “[Slow Date] helped break my usual patterns when on a date: what we discuss and my mindset going in. Going in with a sense of trust, safety, and curiosity.”
• “I think it was well thought in every detail. It was fun and playful, it was challenging, and it forced me to think about how I date.”
• “This was the one of the most special experiences I’ve had in New York.”
• “I thought about how I should approach dating differently and trying harder to break my preconceived notions of people”

I also got a ton of helpful feedback about what to change. I won’t say too much about this because I don’t want to ruin the surprise of the next event :) I’m actively iterating on the format based on the group’s reactions.

What’s next for Slow Date

The first event opened up a world of possibility. It also piqued my curiosity about important questions:

• Most first dates rely on conversation as the primary way to learn about someone. But that’s not how everyone prefers to connect. How might a first date accommodate other modes of connection (e.g. humor, play, movement, art)?
• How might Slow Date create the right amount of emotional closeness on a first date? How can the experience ensure that both people are opting into that level of intimacy?
• How might Slow Date invite participants to “choose their own adventure” — that is, co-design the experience with their date in a way that feels unique to two of them?
• What would Slow Date look like for couples in committed relationships?

I’m using these questions to inform the next iteration of Slow Date, sponsored by Chorus: Saturday, April 11 from 4:00–6:00pm in Manhattan.

Sign up at www.theslowdate.com, and share it with your New York-based friends.

This event is sponsored by Chorus, the matchmaking app where friends swipe for friends.