How I am recovering after losing everything
My trail of tears begins with the loss of my ferret, then my cat, then my aunt, then my grandma, then my dad, then my uncle. Shortly after I became very sick. Then my husband decided to start affairs with two women he worked with. I left him in January of 2019. I moved in with my best friend of twenty years, who kicked me out 8 months later after having said we would be together forever, no matter what. I moved in with my mom. She kicked me out five times before I finally left the last time.
I am not a bad or mean person in any way. I am successful and have helped countless people navigate through their personal issues. The thing is, people see my success and want it for themselves. Jealousy? Perhaps. I’m not talking about money. They admire my beauty, calmness, great compassion and intellect. So why do people turn on me? I will tell you. Have you ever had a crush but you could not get enough time with them? You wanted them all to yourself. Greed and jealousy make a perfect storm in a relationship, even with family members or best friends.
As of today, I am are still married. A two year divorce process is finally coming to an end. During these two years, I met two very special people. One whom I considered to be my first real friend because he never hit on me but made his love for me well known. But, he too, one day just disappeared. Never a word.
The second person would eventually become my fiance’ but he was in a different country and we are both poor. We never got to get together and then Corona hit. Everything went downhill from there. Our love was so strong the fact we could not be together literally drove us nuts. Fighting and even threats at one point. It ended with words of love but nevertheless, he too, promised forever like all the rest!
Now when I meet new people, they ask the same questions as before: Are you married with kids? My answer is still the same, “I am married in divorce process and no kids.” They always say, “you need a husband and baby.” It is an insult because I do not want kids and, in fact, I can’t have them even if I wanted. I tell them this and many people have tried to convince me that I can have a child if I only follow their weird advice.
Most people cannot even think outside the box of marriage and kids. Look, I was married for a long time. We loved each other in the beginning; it wasn’t all bad. I didn’t want kids then and I don’t now. People believe we must bond with a partner in order to be happy. They ask a lot who will take care of me when I am old. They say only kids will love us and care for us. To this I say that to have a child for the purpose of future servitude is wrong.
The only reason I would ever consider having a child (if I could) would be if I loved a man so much I thought the world would be a better place with more of him in it.
I don’t cry anymore. I have finally accepted my current situation and made myself a semi-comfortable place to relax and play. I can’t tell you how many times my-ex fiance’s name crosses my mind. Or songs reminding me of him. But I always say to myself, “Don’t be sad that it is over, be happy that it happened.”
I will always love them all, the best parts, not the greedy, jealous parts. Bad experiences do not erase good ones, they just seem to make the screen in my mind cloudy, faded.
I didn’t win, but I didn’t lose either!
