Patronising Performance

Is this a story of supporting potential or pussifying the possible?

To say that the circus board was unhappy that amateur hour resulted in many accidents would be an understatement. While relieved that four out of five were covered by performer waivers, they faced one potentially lengthy lawsuit. They called the legal counsel and laid the plan on the table. He must prevent the poor pensioner who survived the plate accident from profiting at the expense of their earnings. The directors discussed how he was likely due for a new hip anyway, and so actually did him a favour. Besides, how could they possibly be held accountable for anyone’s depleted bone density! Perhaps they could countersue for defamation? The lawyer was instructed to do whatever it took to make this old codger and this claim disappear.

Throughout this discussion, the Ringmaster sat silently, waiting for the wrath to be turned towards her. Even the tassels on her pants were too scared to stir, and the fringes too fearful to shift. Instead, this employee and her embellishments simply watched the Chairman spit out the stipulations and then dismiss the lawyer with a double clap.

She felt sick. Would this mean the end of her contract? Would she be sent away in shame? She had already prepared a pathway for repair of the circus’s reputation. Still, she was ready for a reprimand.

“Now, Ringmaster. What do you have to say for yourself?”

The Chairman held up a copy of the local newspaper, the front page of which showed tent flaps aflame and terrified parents clutching their children. “Chaos at the circus — amateurs in charge.”

“I am sorry. I take full responsibility for this situation.”

“Of course, you do. Did you think we would? We gave you a sound plan, and you screwed it up.”

“Yes Sir.”

“So now we are facing legal action, but more than that, you have, single-handedly brought us all down into disrepute.”

More spittle landed on the table, and the Ringmaster was unsure whether she should feel dread or disgust.

“What do you think should be done about your incompetence?”

“With all due respect Sir, I would suggest what we tried was actually innovative.”

“There is no need to get aggressive, Ringmaster.”

The Ringmaster didn’t think she was, but supposedly, her statement of fact was taken as one of force, and her opinion felt to be oppressive.

“I am asking you what punishment should be borne to redress this blunder.”

“I have thought about this, Sir.”

“Well I am glad that you do actually have some cognitive ability.”

The rest of the board chuckled at this comment. The Ringmaster raged internally but conceded to the Chair. She would not want her self-defence to be recorded as ferocity.

“And what have you thought, Ringmaster.”

“I think cutting my bonus this year may be appropriate.”

“It may be. But I think you can do better than that. Would you like another try?”

The Ringmaster knew what she would say next would result in financial strain. Still, martyrdom may be required to secure her ongoing employment.

“Take away my bonus all together?”

“Great idea. Secretary, please record that proposal. All those in favour, say aye!”

There was no dissension from any director. The decision was made, and the deed was done. Now, the Ringmaster, in light of the reduction in her remuneration, would need to redo her budget and reduce her recreations.

“Now, moving forward, Ringmaster. These consequences must flow on. What is your proposal for the people.”

“Well they really didn’t have anything to do with this.”

“Wrong”, the Chairman howled.

“It was their inability to be impressive performers that got us here in the first place. Henceforth, the board is ordering you to implement a performance management system. There must be a performance agreement in place for each individual or team, which includes KPI and regular reviews. Where targets are not met, contracts must be terminated. Are we clear?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Good. I am working with HR to develop one with you too which we will review at the next meeting. Until then, you are dismissed.”

The Ringmaster feebly shuffled out. Is this what it felt like to have your performance managed, permanently petrified?

By now, the circus crew knew any call for a community conference would precede calamity. They were prepared to postpone panic, at least until after the latest project proposal was fully processed. This time, though, there was little to perturb them. A performance agreement? Bureaucratic, yes. But problematic? No. They would whack something down on paper to appease the administrators and move on to what really mattered. The meetings were booked immediately, and as the clowns cavorted in to meet with their chief, they shouted, “Let the show begin.”

The clowns were asked to clarify their strengths.

“Comedy, yes definitely comedy.”, said one.

“Customer engagement.”, said the other, satisfied that he had mastered corporate speak.

“Good.”, said the Ringmaster. “What about objectives for the year. What do you want to achieve?”

“Audience participation.”, said one.

“Ooooh, good one.”, said the other, patting their partner on the back.

“I hope you are taking this seriously.”, said the Ringmaster suspiciously.

“Of course we are.”, said one sheepishly.

“We are very serious.”, said the other with a smirk.

“Two new tricks. That is what our objective is for the year.”

“Perfect. I will document that. Now, what are your success indicators.”

“What?”

“How will you be able to show you have done a good job?”

“Oh yes, I see. Laughter. Definitely laughter.”

“Great. How will we measure this though?”

“We should get a decibel meter.”

“Wonderful idea.”, said the Ringmaster. Noted, and I will put this on my to-do list.”

The Ringmaster scribed, and the clowns tried not to smile. Then they realised she really was serious and broke a sweat.

“Is there anything else you need from me to achieve your objectives?” the Ringmaster offered.

“We might need some more equipment.”

“Sorry, there is no budget for that. But I look forward to what you come up with though. We will meet again in three months to see how you are progressing and formally document your performance review. Any questions?”

As one clown clenched their fists, their friend clamped them. As there was menacing forward movement, the mediator moved into the middle.

“No, none at all. Thank you. Have a good afternoon.”

The jolly joker justled the stormy trickster out the door.

“We are doomed.”, said the trapeze artist as he watched them walk past.

The trapezists thought about their strengths.

“Strength.”

“Yes, what are your strengths.”

“No, that’s it. Our strength is strength.”

“Oh, OK. Yes, that makes sense.”

“Teamwork, grace, flexibility, daring.”

“Oh hang on. Slow down a bit.”

The Ringmaster took some time to catch up.

“Good, OK. What about objectives?”

“Stay alive.”, said one.

“Yes. To stay alive is our objective.”, said the other, carefully trying to conceal their cynicism.

“I understand, but you need something else.”

“Like?”

“What about to increase the danger level?”

“OK, sure, if you want to go with that.”

The Ringmaster scribbled this down.

“How will we measure this though? How will you know if you are successful?”

“What about death? That would show we did something suitably dangerous!”

The other artist let out a tremendous roar of laughter.

“OK, I can see you are struggling with this, and I am far too tired to deal with your disrespect. Take the template and have it back to me by tomorrow.”

The Ringmaster picked up a pile of papers and walked out to the performers waiting their turn in the tent.

“I can see that talking this through is not the best way to build your performance agreements. Everyone, please take their template and have it back to me tomorrow. I will review them and get back to you with any amendments. Are we clear?”

The lack of challenge was considered consensus, with the Ringmaster too frazzled to compel confirmation.

The gang gathered together.

“What are we going to do?” said the juggler.

“This is stupid.”, said the elephant trainer.

“Oh, come on, guys.”, said the strongman. “I am sure we can help each other.”

“Very good idea.”, said the trapeze artist, pulling out a pen. “Come on, let’s bang these out. We can get them done before dinner. Let’s start with you, juggler.”

The trapezist took the juggler’s paper and prepared to pen down the ideas.

“What are your strengths?”

“Ah, juggling stuff.”

“OK, I’ll write that as coordination, concentration and creativity.”

“Man, you are good at this!”

“Thank you. Now objectives.”

“Not to drop stuff.”

“Sensible. But let me put that down as ‘improved capture score’. Now success measures?”

“Ah, I don’t drop stuff.”

“Yes, but we have to be careful. We can’t say that because then they could say you didn’t meet the standard. What about customer satisfaction.”

“I guess so. It sounds good.”

The elephant trainer chimed in.

“But how would you measure that?”

“That is the joy of this one — it is up to the Ringmaster to figure it out.”

“You are brilliant!”

“Thank you. Next! Come on elephant trainer, what have you got?”

“Well, my strengths are patience and expertise with elephants.”

“Awesome. What about objectives?”

“We put down two more tricks.”, said the clown.

“Perfect, “ said the trapezist, scribbling that down for the trainer. “Is this doable, though?”

“Absolutely. We are learning new tricks all the time. Our elephants are incredibly smart. There are so many we have never done yet, so we could just do those.”

“Why haven’t you done them before?” said the clown.

“No-one has asked us to. Everyone seems really happy with what we do already.”

“What about success measures?” said the strongman, getting the hang of the process.

“Let’s put down customer satisfaction again. Easy.”, said the trapezist. “Another one done. Who’s next?”

“Me.”, said the strongman. “What do you think my strengths are?”

“I will put down strength. That’s what we said too. I will also add resilience, perseverance and discipline. How does that sound.”

“Wow. Great!”

“Do you think you can lift anything heavier this year?”

“For sure.”

“Just out of curiosity, what is the world record currently?” asked a clown.

“2,400 kg.”

“Whoa. How much can you lift?” asked the other inquisitive comic.

“2,500 kg. Easy.”

“What! Why don’t you?”

“No-one has asked.”

“Well, let me put down 1 tonne. That sounds impressive. Let’s keep the rest up your sleeve as a bargaining chip. You don’t want to give the upper hand away!”

“You are so smart. So I pretend that I can’t lift that much?”

“For the moment. Just stick to this plan, OK?”

“Gotcha.”

“Your success measures are pretty easy — weight lifted. But let’s put down customer satisfaction too. Next?”

“That’s me.”, said the mime.

“Strengths?” asked the trapezist.

“Silence.”

“Of course. Let’s add a few more though. What about acting, precision and effective character portrayals.”

“Isn’t that acting?” said the clown.

“Sure, but it sounds more professional, doesn’t it?”

The clown nodded. He could not compete with the trapezist’s paraphrasing prowess.

“Objectives?”

“Silence. This is stupid.”

“Yes, I know. But what about two new skits?”

“Yep. Like the others, I have plenty in reserve.”

“Cool, then this will be easy. And measuring success? Customer satisfaction, OK?”

“Sure. But could you put down silence as well.”

The trapezist shot the mime a smart-aleck stare but scratched it down anyway.

The clown chimed in with another idea. “We said we should have a decibel meter to measure the laughter from our show. Maybe you could use it to see how much applause you get from being silent.”

“Stop encouraging him.”, said the trapezist and prepared to pack up.

However, just when they thought they were all done, the elephant trainer turned the page, and his shoulders slumped.

“Oh, we have to say what we are going to do to foster a healthy workplace as well.”

“That’s OK.”, said the trapezist. “Give me a minute.”

After a short period of thought, she started scribbling on her page.

“Regularly check in on my colleagues.

Maintain all safety standards.

Stay healthy — body and mind.

Identify opportunities for continuous culture improvement.

Celebrate achievements.

How do those sound?”

The juggler stood up and began bowing in the trapezist’s direction, soon joined by the rest of the band.

“We are not worthy.”, they all chanted.”

“But won’t she be suspicious if we all use the same words?”

“Leave it with me.”, she said. “I will get the thesaurus up on my phone tonight and make some minor differences, enough to make it look like a bunch of individual thoughts.”

She gathered all of their papers, and the crowd gave a cheer.

“Well, we can tick the box on performance management! Who needs to be challenged when you can simply comply? Now, everyone go and have a great night!”

And as they all wandered away, the trapezist thought just how easy words were.