Divorce Gift Registry (for Him)
Thoughtful Gifts for the Newly Bachelored
Published in
3 min readMar 12, 2019
- Ring-finger tanning cream, “grown-up” floor lamp from Ikea, pube trimmer…
- Psychotherapist gift certificate
- Chattier Alexa-thing
- Cheese, just like a big thing of cheese.
- Phone that will “handle” Tinder… or Grindr…?
- Placemats for nude couch-sitting
- One of those new vaporizer things that let you smoke pot without a using a lighter
- Whiskey
- Insight into my personal shortcomings
- Couch (under $300), antibacterial microfiber preferred in lieu of placemats (see above)
- Dog (who doesn’t stare)
- Actually, a cat (who doesn’t stare)
- Number for pet sitter/dog walker (who doesn’t ask a lot of questions)
- Number for maid (who understands “nightstand boundaries”)
- Number for divorce lawyer (probably should have asked sooner)
- What’s the new gaming console? PS… is it still the 4? 4K? Do chicks…sorry, women, do women like the Wii more though? Is it still around?
- Written summary of current hit musicians among 18–25 year-old women and their existence as/relationships with Instagram celebrities (Drake?)
- Phone that will “handle” Instagram
- Ability to really, really listen
- Regret-erasing pills (do they have those yet?)
- Can of “New Apartment Smell” Lysol
- Poster frames
- Blue-blocking glasses for nighttime laptop use…
- App for removing someone from photos
- App for adding someone else to photos
- Phone that will “handle” those apps
- Book on weight loss strategies
- Book on valuing the opinions of others
- Fuck ton of Cheetos
- 4K TV
- Whatever other 4K stuff you need for that
- Leather lounge chair (under $150)
- App to help me create a personal universe that has room for anyone besides me alone at the center
- 4K movie discs (is that UHD?) of Gladiator, Boogie Nights, Braveheart, and Boiler Room
- Swiss watch that doesn’t run on batteries
- Non-white socks
- Help
- Like, just a rundown on stuff that has happened over the past 4–5 years in entertainment, politics, etc. (my wife… sorry, my ex-wife and I were sort of wrapped up in our own heads there for a while)
- Largest bed sized for two that will fit in a studio apartment
- Update on current slang, lingo, et al. (I’m pretty good on catchphrases from beer commercials though, e.g., Diddly-diddly!, Whaaaassssup!?, etc.) I tried Urban Dictionary. TMI.
- The “Four Horsemen:” Buproprion, finasteride, tadalifil, alprazolam.
- Leads on jobs with prescription drug bennies (financial advisor?)
- Car guy for lease deals (like on that two-door Subaru coupe)
- Update on cool hobbies (Smoking meat? Pickling stuff? D.J.’ing? Producing? “Trending”? Are cocktails still a thing?) as I am not allowed to work on my RX-7 in the carports at new apartment
- Cool books for coffee table
- Place that will trade Ed Hardy shirts and weird-stitched jeans for newer stuff (I have funny “This Guy Fucks” T-shirt already, though)
- A friend who is a D.J. and/or has connecs in the club/modeling scene
- A friend with access to a place near a ski resort in Colorado and/or L.A.
- A friend with a ski boat
- A friend
- How to get set up to drive for Lyft
- Leads on “side hustles” generally
- Insight into what will make me happy as a unique person, and thus will make me worthy of love and respect from someone who is happy and fulfilled by herself, not others
- List of best clubs for singles in greater Kansas City, Kansas area
- Personal-brand consultant
- Book on how to be an “influencer”
- Bone Clone (are those for real?)
- Some cool shit for my end table (succulents?)
- Gift cards for furniture (Better: West Elm or Urban Outfitters?)
- Amazon gift cards
- Hope
- Febreeze
[J.P. has written humor for various “internet magazines” since 2004 or so. Don’t worry, his marriage is just fine.— ed.]