Divorce Gift Registry (for Him)

Thoughtful Gifts for the Newly Bachelored

Photo by Mike Lloyd on Unsplash

• Ring-finger tanning cream, “grown-up” floor lamp from Ikea, pube trimmer…
• Psychotherapist gift certificate
• Chattier Alexa-thing
• Cheese, just like a big thing of cheese.
• Phone that will “handle” Tinder… or Grindr…?
• Placemats for nude couch-sitting
• One of those new vaporizer things that let you smoke pot without a using a lighter
• Whiskey
• Insight into my personal shortcomings
• Couch (under $300), antibacterial microfiber preferred in lieu of placemats (see above)
• Dog (who doesn’t stare)
• Actually, a cat (who doesn’t stare)
• Number for pet sitter/dog walker (who doesn’t ask a lot of questions)
• Number for maid (who understands “nightstand boundaries”)
• Number for divorce lawyer (probably should have asked sooner)
• What’s the new gaming console? PS… is it still the 4? 4K? Do chicks…sorry, women, do women like the Wii more though? Is it still around?
• Written summary of current hit musicians among 18–25 year-old women and their existence as/relationships with Instagram celebrities (Drake?)
• Phone that will “handle” Instagram

Photo by Avi Naim on Unsplash

• Ability to really, really listen
• Regret-erasing pills (do they have those yet?)
• Can of “New Apartment Smell” Lysol
• Poster frames
• Blue-blocking glasses for nighttime laptop use…
• App for removing someone from photos
• App for adding someone else to photos
• Phone that will “handle” those apps
• Book on weight loss strategies
• Book on valuing the opinions of others
• Fuck ton of Cheetos
• 4K TV
• Whatever other 4K stuff you need for that
• Leather lounge chair (under $150)
• App to help me create a personal universe that has room for anyone besides me alone at the center
• 4K movie discs (is that UHD?) of Gladiator, Boogie Nights, Braveheart, and Boiler Room
• Swiss watch that doesn’t run on batteries
• Non-white socks
• Help
• Like, just a rundown on stuff that has happened over the past 4–5 years in entertainment, politics, etc. (my wife… sorry, my ex-wife and I were sort of wrapped up in our own heads there for a while)
• Largest bed sized for two that will fit in a studio apartment
• Update on current slang, lingo, et al. (I’m pretty good on catchphrases from beer commercials though, e.g., Diddly-diddly!, Whaaaassssup!?, etc.) I tried Urban Dictionary. TMI.
• The “Four Horsemen:” Buproprion, finasteride, tadalifil, alprazolam.
• Leads on jobs with prescription drug bennies (financial advisor?)
• Car guy for lease deals (like on that two-door Subaru coupe)
• Update on cool hobbies (Smoking meat? Pickling stuff? D.J.’ing? Producing? “Trending”? Are cocktails still a thing?) as I am not allowed to work on my RX-7 in the carports at new apartment
• Cool books for coffee table

Photo by Ian Keefe on Unsplash

• Place that will trade Ed Hardy shirts and weird-stitched jeans for newer stuff (I have funny “This Guy Fucks” T-shirt already, though)
• A friend who is a D.J. and/or has connecs in the club/modeling scene
• A friend with access to a place near a ski resort in Colorado and/or L.A.
• A friend with a ski boat
• A friend
• How to get set up to drive for Lyft
• Leads on “side hustles” generally
• Insight into what will make me happy as a unique person, and thus will make me worthy of love and respect from someone who is happy and fulfilled by herself, not others
• List of best clubs for singles in greater Kansas City, Kansas area
• Personal-brand consultant
• Book on how to be an “influencer”
• Bone Clone (are those for real?)
• Some cool shit for my end table (succulents?)
• Gift cards for furniture (Better: West Elm or Urban Outfitters?)
• Amazon gift cards
• Hope
• Febreeze

[J.P. has written humor for various “internet magazines” since 2004 or so. Don’t worry, his marriage is just fine.— ed.]