The Clap
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The Clap

Make a C-Note Writing on Medium

Guaranteed.

Ready, set, EARN! Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

Trust me when I tell you, it can be done. You too can make $100 a month writing on Medium. Think of it, a bag of ground coffee, your water bill, and nine Lean Cuisines each month can be yours if you follow these two easy steps. It’s [not] called Inward Singing, check it out…

1. Be Literate in Written English

Hard to overstate this, but the first step is to make sure you are literate in written English. Many of your readers may cut you a break, but editors are going to notice if you don’t know the difference between ‘there’ and ‘their,’ ‘here’ and ‘heir,’ ‘lice’ and ‘lies,’ ‘ice’ and ‘I’s,’ ‘on’ and ‘one,’* ‘inasmuch’ and ‘insofar as,’ or that you shouldn’t — KAPOWZA!— italicize and bold your uses of onomatopoeia. [Sub-hint: Right click when you see a squiggly red line below something you just typed. If you’re trying to type out a noise, ignore it. Otherwise, act like an old tollbooth operator and accept change.]

I know you may think you know the difference between ‘guile’ and ‘guilt,’ but, given the state of American education, even if you have a college degree in, I don’t know, English, you may still want to brush up one* the little things, like the difference between ‘shingles’ and ‘syphilis,’ and that there is only on* ‘l’ in ‘syphilis’ even though it feels like there should be two because of how bad it — ARGH! — hurts. A good style guide and a pocket dictionary should do the trick.

2. Steal Time from Life to Write Something Every Day

You read that right, to earn enough to make 80% of your car insurance payment each month writing for Medium, you should be prepared to write something every day. Every. G**damn. Day. You just have to. How much time? Well, let’s see, three minute read time at least… no more than seven… and (see above) it better be well written… doesn’t have to be original (that’s for sure)… think of catchy title… outline… write… edit… pics… tags… submit to publication…

Two to three hours a day. That’s about what it should take to write a quality, clap worthy essay.

Go ahead and skip Sundays.

Twenty six days… So, sixty-five hours a month. SKITTOOSH! [Throwing calendar in trash can — ed. {Also capital of Manitoba. — ed.}]

“Daddy’s writing.” Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

I mean, what else could you be doing with that time? Cooking dinner with your children? Gazing adoringly into your spouse’s eyes? Going to the gym? LARPing?! Why? Why would you do that when you could be earning enough to pay for nine lunches at Panera per month if you only get the sandwich and a drink, no chips?! KADOONK! [Mic drop — ed.] And what does it matter?We’re all living in a simulation! AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUWGH! [Wail of existential despair — ed.]

It’s that simple. Write every day. Write something about writing every day. Write something about writing on Medium every day. Write something every day that will be instantly forgotten every day. That is the best and highest use of your time. After all, it will make you a hundred dollars!

Just remember the details in your writing, like, for instance, ‘shingles’ are what go one* the roof of your house while ‘shingles’ are remnants of the chicken pox virus that flare up from your spinal cord along a nerve and oneto* the surface of your skin to manifest themselves in astonishingly painful sores! GWAUGGGRGH! [vocal emanation of pain from shingles sores — ed.]

In satisfying conclusion, just follow these steps and you too could earn $1.53 an hour writing for Medium. Think of the number of one*-sale three packs of Tommy Hilfiger underwear you could buy at Macy’s each month for that kind of money! [Answer, four. With enough money left over for a twelve pack of Busch Light. — ed.]

And remember too the service to mankind you are providing by telling other people how they too can make enough writing for Medium to buy 100 Powerball tickets per month! Think of the odds! Actually, don’t!

Health insurance? Who needs it? Us Mediumers are about Benjamins not bennies. Gig economy? More like BIG economy, am I right?

Nine months’ work. PADOONK! Photo by Pepi Stojanovski on Unsplash

You want to make a living writing one* Medium? What do you mean? You are living.

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