Side Effects Include
Published in
2 min readJun 1, 2018
Pylsaplen-T (dadbodex metrodinephylatefilisonetateanylomaxisolibab) has shown some indication of, occasionally, just every so often — like, once in a blue moon, totally statistically insignificantly — causing side effects in some people, mostly the weak, old, young, or otherwise ambiguously susceptible. Please contact your doctor if you experience any of the following:
- Shints
- Fants
- Giasms
- Athlete’s ear
- Heart shimmies
- Cramps
- Carmps
- Nameless dread that knows no name
- Pialter
- Nomsambulant wandering
- The jimjams
- Lou Gehrig’s breath
- Arrhythmic blinking
- Finsed gimula
- Tennis bladder
- Photic orgasm reflex
- Uvulal gout
- Widow’s uterus
- Fear of dearth
- Rhotic epenthesis
- Disseminated post-coital weeping
- High blood voltage
- Shame
- Unexplained shit-vomit
- Levitation, homes
- Obscure references
- Bad timing
- Bone cancer
- Insensitivity to gallows humor
- Weird bumps
- Public revelation of deep, though not that dark, secret
- Peeing a lot
- Peeing a little
- Peeing the right amount but it smells like a pregnant mare’s
- The hunchies
- Self-schadenfreude
- Giddyup-hitch
- All of the above and/or any six of the following:
- Syndromic malaise
- Asymptomatic placebo-effect
- Urning-tay into an ombie-zay
- Sigur Rosacea
- Stalagmitic desiccated colloidal mucus
- Toe stubble
- A certain je ne sais quoi
- Unilateral tarsal stigmata
- That thing where, like, your hair hurts
- Aches and pains and burning, oh God, the burning!
- Contemplative, just-off-camera staring
- Morgellons
- The old ennui
- Avian bone syndrome
- Phantom limbs
- Anachronistic planking
- Emaciated cankles
- Just plain old doesn’t work
