The Clap
Published in

The Clap

Side Effects Include

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Pylsaplen-T (dadbodex metrodinephylatefilisonetateanylomaxisolibab) has shown some indication of, occasionally, just every so often — like, once in a blue moon, totally statistically insignificantly — causing side effects in some people, mostly the weak, old, young, or otherwise ambiguously susceptible. Please contact your doctor if you experience any of the following:

  • Shints
  • Fants
  • Giasms
  • Athlete’s ear
  • Heart shimmies
  • Cramps
  • Carmps
  • Nameless dread that knows no name
  • Pialter
  • Nomsambulant wandering
  • The jimjams
  • Lou Gehrig’s breath
  • Arrhythmic blinking
  • Finsed gimula
  • Tennis bladder
  • Photic orgasm reflex
  • Uvulal gout
  • Widow’s uterus
  • Fear of dearth
  • Rhotic epenthesis
  • Disseminated post-coital weeping
  • High blood voltage
  • Shame
  • Unexplained shit-vomit
  • Levitation, homes
  • Obscure references
  • Bad timing
  • Bone cancer
  • Insensitivity to gallows humor
  • Weird bumps
  • Public revelation of deep, though not that dark, secret
  • Peeing a lot
  • Peeing a little
  • Peeing the right amount but it smells like a pregnant mare’s
  • The hunchies
  • Self-schadenfreude
  • Giddyup-hitch
  • All of the above and/or any six of the following:
  • Syndromic malaise
  • Asymptomatic placebo-effect
  • Urning-tay into an ombie-zay
  • Sigur Rosacea
  • Stalagmitic desiccated colloidal mucus
  • Toe stubble
  • A certain je ne sais quoi
  • Unilateral tarsal stigmata
  • That thing where, like, your hair hurts
  • Aches and pains and burning, oh God, the burning!
  • Contemplative, just-off-camera staring
  • Morgellons
  • The old ennui
  • Avian bone syndrome
  • Phantom limbs
  • Anachronistic planking
  • Emaciated cankles
  • Just plain old doesn’t work

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