On Internal Medicine
Said to be the most difficult rotation, internal medicine includes numerous subspecialties which we clinical clerks had to learn about individually and collectively. Had we been allowed to physically rotate in the clinics, the sheer amount of patients to care for and work to carry out would have undoubtedly overwhelmed us which had been reasons for disagreements among clerks in previous batches. Due to the pandemic, we had to adapt through video admission conferences, case presentations, telemedicine practice consultations, and lectures. I greatly enjoyed and appreciated the conferences that tackled the multidisciplinary approach to the treatment of COVID-19 patients. We had the opportunity to attend discussions held by numerous specialists. My personal favorite was a discussion on the effect of hemoperfusion during the early course of the disease.
The night before one particular admission conference for which I and a fellow clerk were tasked to present, I remember crying. I had been struggling with a depressive episode and had to force myself to function. I decided to call my mother to confide in her and unburden myself of some anxiety which I don’t normally resort to. Being an emotionally reserved family, with measured displays of affection that are often tenuous, imagine my surprise when I received empathy not only for my condition but for burnout as well. It enabled me to clear my mind, study, and prepare for the conference. Morning came and with only two hours of sleep for both my partner and I, we presented our case and did well.
If underestimating oneself was a sport, I would be an Olympic gold medalist who had been training since childhood. It’s almost painfully funny how I realize this folly almost immediately after I have proven my competence then have this internal dilemma recur again sometime in the future. This combined with a depressive episode, anxiety, and burnout made such a memorable experience more so because of my faster response and recovery than my problems. In the past, such a situation would be more pervasive and reprieve hard to come by. I’m learning how to compartmentalize what troubles me so that I’m not so easily overwhelmed. I just have to try harder, be kinder to myself, and remember that getting better is a process.
Burnout was also inevitable since the boundary between the academe and home life had been blurred. Months of a routine of waking up to, eating around, and working in between conferences would mentally exhaust anyone. Instead of getting frustrated with myself for such a physiological response, it would have been better to rest and commit time for that without feeling guilty.
