The Loss
How Coaching families deal with the heartbreak of losing
Have you ever prepared so much for a test that you walked into the classroom supremely confident? The thought of getting even one answer wrong was not even possible. The grueling hours of study, flashcards, group sessions, reading, and taking practice quizzes have culminated to this one very obvious moment: acing this test.
Now…. Imagine, you sit down, in anticipation for the test you get a bit jittery, so excited to begin answering every question correctly. The professor passes the test to each student and says, “Begin.” As you read the first question, you go blank, this isn’t what you prepared for, I mean, it is, but facing the real questions, it’s harder than you thought. More detailed, bigger concepts, trickier wording, more complex problems or equations to grapple with. You finish, some small successes were there, but no acing that test. You walk out, you feel lost, deflated, confused by the effort when you know it outweighed the score you will receive. A thick fog rolls in, fear and panic about your future creep up in your mind, you feel like a wanderer, no direction, the semester might as well have never happened.
If you are friends with a coach’s wife, you may see her walking around looking like the above student the week after a huge game in which her husband’s team didn’t emerge victorious. You may try to speak to her; at home she has her blinds closed and the door locked, or if you pass her in the grocery she doesn’t respond at all. You wonder what has happened to her. She’s not the same… at least for a few days.
Every coach and coach’s wife takes losses differently. Some coaches are all business, “on to the next game” style. Other coaches walk around like Eeyore, “we loooost, no one loves meeee, I am a terrible coooooach.” Some wives share that they can’t be in the house with the coach after the loss, they are mad at the world, and that can include the family so they are asked, politely of course, to stay at the office to work and improve. Then there is the coach that isn’t mean to family but comes home and refuses to speak, punishes themselves, and takes the ‘awkward silence’ approach.
So sure, your friend is devastated by the loss. She loves those players, loves the coach, knows how many hours spent away from home and in that office planning and scheming has been put in, but, she also knows what it means for the home team. She does not see a simple win or loss as just that and move on with her day, she sees it as a validation of the effort her family has made to support the team as a whole. Ultimately she knows how it affects that home team. If Daddy isn’t happy… well you know the rest.
Many people see wins and losses as insignificant, and they are to the average fan —
Not to a coaching family.
These insignificant outcomes are indicators of livelihood and families’ stability. They breed a culture of the community around them and the losses can create a very negative world in which the families must exist. The internet and the ever growing big mouth culture has made it difficult for coaching families to even avoid negativity in a non-sporting environment. Children are heckled by other kids at school and often the teacher will chime in — “in good fun” of course. The wife or coach goes to the store and someone makes a comment because they see a logo on the car or a shirt or a hat. They go to church and the pastor says the Right team won… and that wouldn’t be the coach’s team, it’d be the opponent.
If anyone knows a coach or the family of one, they can be one of two people: the one who only cares to know them because all they care about is the sport, or the one who doesn’t care about the sport at all and cares for the family as people. Who can blame the wife or the coach for being frustrated after a loss that goes deeper than the 24 hour pout that every average fan experiences? They are saddened by the outcome compared to their efforts but also they know what this brings to the home front.
In most sports, there is always one winner and one loser at the end of the game. It isn’t a character flaw to lose a game or a match, it is just a bad day at the office. However, it is more than just a missed conference call or mis-filing of paperwork, it’s a culture generating moment that creates a new world for the families of those coaches. So maybe take your friend who happens to be a coach’s wife a bottle of wine, or pick her up and take her shopping or to lunch, and talk about anything else but her sport. Bring some happy, positive, fun into her life. Help her forget the loss, remind her that her hard work and love for the team and the game aren’t in vain. Encourage her that she’s the reason her family runs smooth and her coach is able to do what he is passionate about! Remind her you love her win or lose because you care about her and not the loss.
