Healing and Change Happen In Relationship to Others
Which is why coaching can be such a powerful tool
Healing and change most often happen in relationship with another person because that’s how human beings are wired — we’re a very social species. Of course, one can find healing or create change in other ways that are more independent — perhaps through meditation or reading a book, but in general, the most profound way is by being listened to, seen, and known by someone else who holds the space for you to find greater equilibrium or to make a plan for something new.
Our physiology is created for connection, a process called biological synchrony is happening at all times when we are with other people. Biological synchrony is the constant attunement of our body to other bodies; the more regulated system helps regulate and calm the less regulated system, this includes heart rate, HRV, blood pressure, and other functions. This co-regulation served the evolutionary purpose of being able to connect and work together as a small tribe that was often under threat. The Biology of Connection
That’s why coaching is such a powerful process — because it is the relationship between the coach and the client that allows for the powerful work to take place. Unlike getting a massage, coaching isn’t something that is done to you or for you — as the client, you have to participate and do most of the work, but the coach holds the container that allows for that to happen and helps to facilitate it.
A Strong, Safe Container
For me, holding a strong and safe container for the client is the most important thing that I have to offer. What does that look like? It means that I meet them where they are, without judgment, but I also affirm them in any way that I can legitimately do that. Dave Ellis, who trained me as a coach, used to often say, “If you don’t love your client, find them another coach.” To be of service to them, you have to sort of love them and want nothing more than for them to have whatever it is that they are seeking when partnering with you in a way that works for them.
The role of the coach is to facilitate their best thinking and to help them to trust in that.
Are they looking for better relationships, more meaningful work, or to move past an old dynamic that is blocking their progress? If you don’t care about that almost as passionately as they do, it can detract from the transformative power of the relationship. Naturally, the idea is not to fix things for them or to create paths for them that you think would work. It’s not for you to take on their burdens, or overly insert yourself into their life.
True coaching has no attachment as to how the client chooses to proceed, simply desiring to walk along with them on their journey and to be of assistance if you can. There’s nothing wrong with being a consultant or a mentor if that’s what you are indeed offering, but both are quite different from being a coach. I think it’s important to be clear on the differences.
I always think of coaching as a learning lab.
The role of the coach is to facilitate your client’s best thinking and to help them trust in that, but it’s tremendously beneficial if they know that you are invested in their well-being and want to help them heal, grow, or create something new without advising, instructing, or trying to do it for them. Being truly present, invested in their journey, and just holding space for them as they figure things out creates a powerful transformative dynamic.
I always think of coaching (life coaching, in particular, but this can also apply to business coaching) as a learning lab. It’s a safe place to try things on, explore ideas, and experiment with different methods of going about something. There are no “wrong” scenarios — only ones that offer the opportunity to get more clear about what works and what doesn’t, what you want and what you don’t.
Standing by a client when you are fairly sure that the direction they are headed in is problematic, is one of the most powerful things you can do for them. By all means, voice your concerns and the reasons why that might not be the thing they want to do, but then let the client decide how to proceed. If it doesn’t work out how they expected, and they fall down in some way, stand with them as they pick themselves up and then take a look together at what they learned from the experience without judgment or “I told you so.”
This is a powerful way for your client to learn to trust themselves, as well as to learn from their mistakes. They start to hone the skill of listening to their own inner voice through the process of experiencing wins, but also by making errors. Learning to trust themselves and not you, the coach or someone else they tend to look to for guidance is one of the most valuable things that can come out of the collaborative process of coaching.
If a client has not yet achieved their goals but has gotten to the place where they usually trust their inner voice and now often pay attention to their own sense of knowing, I consider that to be successful coaching.
How do you hold space for your clients?
How do you support them in learning to trust themselves?
Tell me more in the comments.
Mentor Coach Laura is passionate about coaching and supporting others in offering their best work. If you are interested in a one-on-one mentoring session, you can contact her at mentorcoachlaura@gmail.com
