All About Self Sabotage

What are self sabotaging beliefs, and where do they come from?

The classic idea of self sabotaging beliefs is that they’re insidious thoughts telling you that you’re not good enough, can’t succeed, and aren’t worthy of success. But humans are really talented at self sabotage, and have all sorts of subtler ways to go about it. Self sabotage can manifest in all sorts of ways, from procrastination, perfectionism, isolation, self-doubt, self-hate, to obsessive-compulsive behavior, risk aversion, black and white thinking, and more.

In this article, we’ll explore what self sabotaging beliefs are, how to identify them in ourselves, and what to do about them when they do pop up. We’ll also look at some prevention techniques to limit self sabotage and promote long term progression.

Examples of Self Sabotage

Deep down, even if it ends up being incredibly destructive in practice, the things that our brains do are to protect us. Whether that’s from external consequences like judgement, disappointment or even punishment from others, or trying to protect our own self-image, there’s always a fear of negative outcome.

Goal Shifting

Does it seem like your goals are always changing? It’s great to be able to respond to new situations and adjust your plans accordingly, but if it seems like you’re constantly starting out on a new set of goals to the detriment of achieving them, there might be an element of self sabotage in there.

It’s so easy to convince ourselves that the reason our plans aren’t working out is that we had the wrong set of goals, and that once the fresh optimism of a new goal-set fades, it’s because we chose incorrectly. Perhaps you’ve been beating yourself up for not seeing something through, or that you’ve been trying without seeing any progress. There may even be a hint of superstition in there, that setting an intention is dooming it to failure.

Imagine this: you have some challenges in your life, but you more or less know what you need to do to start making things better. But instead of actually doing them, you feel tired, stressed, and like you don’t have enough time in the day to do anything, so you spend it all worrying or coming up with distractions from those feelings. You’ve had a plan for weeks, months or even years and yet nothing ever seems to quite get done. The temptation to blame it on an incorrect set of goals can be overwhelming, and the intoxicating optimism of new goals can give us that hit of dopamine that our brains so desperately crave, allowing us to feel like we’ve accomplished something and don’t need to take further steps quite yet.

Black and White Thinking

It’s becoming increasingly well understood that black and white thinking, something being entirely good or entirely bad, is maladaptive. But what can that look like?

The obvious example might be deciding that the people around you are either entirely on your side or out to hurt you, or that you’ve either achieved your wildest dreams impeccably or might as well not have even tried. But there are other, more insidious forms of black and white thinking, like ascribing positive-or-negative outcomes to everyday routines to the point of paralysis.

Picture this: You have people in your life who matter to you, who you want to spend time with, and who want to spend time with you. Instead of doing so, though, you constantly avoid them, make excuses or even ignore their calls, texts and messages because you don’t want to “mess up” the relationship by not interacting with them when you’re not at your 100% best. Perhaps you’re burdened with guilt over small or even imagined failures during previous encounters, and the idea of committing any more feels like a crushing inevitability.

Fear of Failure

We often think of the fear of failure, which we all have to some degree, as something that goes away when we’ve accomplished something. Often, though, our anxious and self protective brains present the positives in our lives as simply having more to lose.

One set of people who commonly experience this even more than the rest of the population are those who were considered gifted as children. These individuals often feel like they live the rest of their lives under constant pressure to “live up to their potential” and never suffer a moment of difficulty or uncertainty. Even when they don’t have anyone around them reinforcing those beliefs in the present, the imposter syndrome, self-hatred, impossibly high standards, and tendency to procrastinate persist.

Imagine landing a job doing something you love, with plenty of creative freedom, and decent pay while doing it. Before it started you expected to feel great, creatively free and unburdened, even successful. But instead, you spend your days dreading the moment someone discovers that you’re not qualified, when your inspiration deserts you, or even when -the thought might go- all those moments of supposed happiness have to be paid for with future suffering. This isn’t just a detriment to our of immediate happiness, but often lands us back into places we feel or are afraid that we belong, far below our actual potential and capabilities.

Ways to Recognize Self Sabotage

Pay attention to how you talk to yourself. What are the things you tell yourself regularly? Do you put yourself down, or remind yourself that you’re incapable, incompetent or unworthy?

• Identify patterns of behavior. Do you procrastinate regularly, or find yourself not taking risks because you’re afraid of failure?
• Notice how you feel. Do you frequently feel unworthy? Does it feel like success eludes you even after you’ve achieved your goals?
• These beliefs are important to recognize, because they hold us back from living our best lives, taking risks, and fully supporting ourselves and the people who matter to us.

What to Do About It

The first step to preventing self sabotage is to recognize it, and to keep paying attention to it, even if it doesn’t feel like we’re able to do anything about it immediately.

The next step is to challenge that thought internally. When you catch yourself thinking something negative or unhelpful, stop and ask yourself if that thought is true. Be your own lawyer and make a case for defending yourself.

Reframe Your Beliefs.

If you find yourself thinking that your best isn’t good enough, try shifting the language. Let “even my best isn’t good enough” become “I’m trying my best, and that’s good enough.”

If that doesn’t feel true, consider what the alternative to trying our best is: not trying. Letting the worst happen so that we’re not disappointed is so tempting to people with any kind of anxiety or self-esteem issue, but it’s a strategy that can’t hold up when it’s brought into the light and examined. Is there anything you can do that will make the situation worse than it would be if you ignored it? Probably not. If that’s the default, anything we do to even slightly improve our situation is better than complete failure.

Start and Stop With Purpose

Start small. If you have an essay to write that you just can’t bring yourself to work on, commit to ten minutes of free writing and then make a plan to drop it and stop worrying. You’re not more virtuous for staying up all night procrastinating with your computer open than you are getting a good night’s sleep and being well rested.

If you struggle with staying connected, try committing to a brief exchange via text, or a hangout with a set end time (IE “I only have half an hour on Saturday, but would you like to get coffee?”).

Allow yourself the time spent procrastinating and feeling guilty to be truly free time that you can spend recharging instead. How much you worry about something or how much guilt you pile on yourself while not doing it doesn’t really make a difference.

Catalog Your Victories

Often, our failures feel so much bigger than our victories. You might have been raised to be humble or are afraid of having a big head, but if you’re reading this article, let us assure you that that isn’t a huge risk right now.

Did you commit to making a phone call, even when you didn’t know what to say? Congratulations, that action lead to success: making the phone call. If you were awkward, or didn’t say everything that you needed to, it’s still better than having skipped it entirely.

Phone a Friend

If you feel like your goals, motivations or beliefs seem to change from day to day, week to week, try getting in touch with a trusted friend. Whether you work out a series of check ins or just meet for coffee from time to time, find someone who can keep you accountable to your own goals and intentions.

Heading off Future Self Sabotage

The best way to prevent self sabotage and negative self talk from taking over your life is to develop a healthy mindset. Easier said than done, but bear with us.

Growth, Not Perfection

A healthy mindset focuses on growth, not perfection. It’s important to recognize that we all make mistakes, and that failure is a part of life that we can come back stronger from. Instead of beating yourself up over past mistakes, look for a lesson and move on.

Self Compassion

Self compassion is the idea of extending yourself the same grace you would to someone else. Be kind and understanding to yourself, rather than cutting yourself off at the knees to prevent further shame, guilt or disappointment. We all have flaws, and we’re all doing the best that we can with what we have.

Surround Yourself With Positive People

We all need community, whether that’s a large group of friends or a small and tight knit social circle. Positive people aren’t necessarily happy all the time, but rather people who are willing to extend compassion to you when you can’t extend it to yourself. Let people show you the good they see in you, and trust them to know what they’re looking at. Ask someone to help you stay motivated by checking in with you on what you’ve done toward achieving your goals, or even just remind you why you wanted those things in the first place.

What are your thoughts on this article? Do you see any of these tendancies in yourself, or have a tried and true solution? Share it in the comments below, and don’t forget to check out CodeDesign for all your web design, digital marketing and SEO needs!