Stop Trying to Please Everyone

Being friendly and kind to people is an admirable trait, but there’s a point where it can become toxic. As much as it may help avoid conflict in the short term, in the long term people who feel obliged to constantly please everyone will likely find themselves depressed, drained and often resentful.

This behavior generally stems from a need to avoid conflict, or from an internal drive to live up to an impossibly idealized version of oneself. In reality, though, it’s that much more difficult to stay true to ourselves when we’re constantly changing our words and actions to fit what (we believe to be) others want.

Do you devote your energy towards your own goals and happiness, or do you spend your time trying to make someone else happy, with the idea that this will eventually lead to your own?

If you feel like you’re suffering from low self-esteem, that you have too many expectations on your shoulders, or that your coping skills in life are lacking, take a look through the below tips. You may find yourself moving away from people pleasing and towards a happier and more comfortable version of yourself.

You’re not giving up your kindness or goodwill, but rather extending it to yourself as well.

Spend Some Time Alone

Many of us are afraid of alone time, worrying that they might become sad, bored or uncomfortable, but learning to spend time by yourself is necessary for your mental and physical health. Many of those concerns come from a hyper-connected culture that doesn’t always favor us, and all of those feelings are things we naturally experience from time to time.

If you’re constantly looking to fill those gaps with any kind of interaction you can find, ask yourself if that sounds similar to an addiction. Eventually, as we become more comfortable with our own company, those moments become significantly more fulfilling.

Use this time to think about what makes you happy, and what doesn’t. Knowing yourself better helps you make good decisions, find and set appropriate boundaries, discover your purpose and ultimately fulfill your own goals.

Set Healthy Boundaries

Even if you’re not aware of any limits you need to set in order to be healthy and happy, we gently suggest that there are at least a few.

Create a list of things you do that make you feel uncomfortable, drained or taken advantage of, and try to organize them with the most impactful things at the top. The next time one of those situations comes up, use that moment to figure out what’s happening, what feels like it’s preventing you from saying no, and what you might like to see happen instead.

Notice what’s happening and how it affects you. If you don’t feel comfortable setting those boundaries with others right away, try setting them with yourself first.

Don’t Try to Fit In

Is there anything you feel that you have to do in order to be worthy in someone else’s eyes? Being authentic and honest with yourself is the first step to being authentic and honest with others. Decide whether those actions align with your principles, and if they don’t, stand firm on that ground. The respect a fake personality receives isn’t rightfully yours anyway.

Embrace Discomfort

Does it ever seem like things will just fall apart without your intervention? If you’ve been propping up an untenable situation for any length of time, it’s very possible that that might happen. But what that leaves room for is a healthier and more balanced future.

For example, is someone counting on you to buy them things, with the penalty for not doing so being guilt and knowing that that person is “needlessly” unhappy? Perhaps you can sit down with them and figure out a new plan. Even if you can’t, though, embrace the discomfort and see what happens. Often, people will solve their own problems when given the opportunity. No one is telling you not to be generous, but noticing yourself feeling obliged is a great warning sign that perhaps it’s being taken too far.

Learn to Say “No”

It can be incredibly difficult to say no, especially when we’ve previously been -or acted like we were- comfortable with something in the past. Whether it’s a situation or request we can’t handle, or something that goes against our beliefs or principles, it’s both important and okay to decline. Looking out for yourself and honoring your own principles doesn’t mean that you’re being selfish, it’s the platform all of us need in order to share our best and authentic self with others. Be brave, and allow yourself the confidence to say no. It doesn’t make you selfish.

The idea that you can’t keep everyone happy or please them at all times can be a tough pill to swallow. Everyone’s needs are different, though, and whatever path you choose will likely displease someone. Why not stay true to yourself instead, and spend your time with the people who like and admire that authentic person.

Is people pleasing something you’ve ever struggled with? Share in the comments below. And, as always, don’t forget to check out CodeDesign for all your web design, digital marketing and SEO needs!