Academy Awards Categories We Definitely Need for 2019

Everyone knows the Academy doesn’t speak for the people. These categories speak for the people.

Photo by Jake Hills on Unsplash

Best Stunt Performer

Best Voice Actor

Best Motion Capture Performance by Someone Not Named Andy Serkis

Best Sense of Underwhelming Audiences

Worst Use of an Academy Award-Winning Actor

Best Token Actor of Color in an Oscar-bait Film

Best White Actor in That One Film Not Starring a Majority White Cast

Best Blockbuster Flop with the Highest Budget

The “It was so bad, it was almost good” Category

Best Actor Who Made the Most Questionable Life Decisions Prior to Awards Night

Best Attempt to Direct Attention Away From Another Movie Studio Scandal

Best ‘Controversial’ Movie that Pisses off Most of Your Conservative Relatives

Best Shirtless Scene from an Actor Named Chris in a Superhero Movie

Oldest Tweet Dug up to Call Out a Potential Host

Highest Paid Actor with Shortest Time on Screen

Most Underpaid Actress in a Blockbuster

Best Last-Minute Editing to Remove a Household Hollywood Name Who’s Been Assaulting People for Decades From Your Film

Most Likely to Spawn a Series Nobody Asked For

Fewest Laughs Per Minute in a Comedy

Most Convincing “I Really Really Want This To Be My Oscar Performance” Performance

Least Sexual Chemistry Between Romantic Characters

Most Sexual Tension Between Characters that Weren’t Supposed to have Sexual Tension

Best Use of “Oh hey, I know that actor! What was his name again…?” Actors

Best Horror Film

Best Movie that You Just *Won’t* Appreciate Unless You Live in Los Angeles

Best Original Song Casting Directors will Hear in Auditions for the Next Five Years

And don’t forget the latest special honors for long-standing career achievements!

The Cicely Tyson Award for Women of Color Who are Finally Getting Some Damn Notoriety in This Industry

The Tom Hanks Award for Men Who Acted for Decades Without Assaulting Women

About the Author: Shelby Rogers firmly believes “Won’t You Be My Neighbor” deserved an Oscar nomination. She also has a thing for Michael B. Jordan, so she’s one of those crazy people who wants “Black Panther” to win Best Picture. Tweet at @shelby_rogers or follow her Disney Annual Passholder adventures @shelbysphere on Instagram.