30 Days of Mother Nature
Day 1: I got my period. My IUD still works and I’m not pregnant. Do I have enough pads?
Day 2: The smell. The cramps. Should I go to work? Ugh, why am I so fat?!
Day 3: Hey babe, can you please buy some pads on your way home from work? The green ones that say ‘long’ and have wings? Wings are flaps on the sides, I’ve shown you those before. Okay, I’ll text you a picture of the box.
Day 4: Why am I so horny?
Day 5: I can’t have sex, but we can fool around tonight. No butt sex.
Day 6: I know, I really want to have sex as well! It’s the last day and it’s not so bad anymore, but there’s this weird brown stuff that’s coming out that I don’t want you to see; it’s kind of gross. I know you don’t care, but I do!
Day 7: Turn the lights off, I don’t want you to see my panty-liner.
Day 8: Hi, can I please make an appointment for a full body wax, including a full Brazilian, for tomorrow? It’s been about 5 weeks since I last got waxed. Yea I know right, time to look like myself again!
Day 9: I just got everything waxed. The most delicate inner lips of my vagina were smothered with steaming hot wax. Wax strips were applied and re-applied, pulled with considerable force until every, single, last hair was gone. I’m numb to the pain now, but my vulva is sort of inflamed from all that pulling and my clitoris has temporarily slipped into a coma. But it was all worth it! Sorry, no sex tonight, I need to ice my vagina.
Day 10: Hey, feel how smooth my skin is right now! Yea I’m smooth all over, wanna see for yourself?
Day 11: Sex and orgasms.
Day 12: Sex and orgasms.
Day 13: Sex and orgasms.
Day 14: Take-out.
Day 15: Sex and orgasms.
Day 16: Sex and orgasms.
Day 17: It’s okay if your dick is sore, you can just give me an orgasm and we’ll call it a day.
Day 18: I need to buy more panty-liners. I’m ovulating and the constant media Trump-apocalypse-refugees-Brexit-terrorist news cycle has got me down.
Day 19: Sex.
Day 20: You know what I feel like eating? KFC Zinger box meal with spicy wings, and a bucket of crispy chicken. Is KFC on UberEATS?
Day 21: What’s that smell? Oh, you don’t smell it? Weird.
Day 22: Sex and orgasms.
Day 23: Orgasms.
Day 24: Sex and orgasms.
Day 25: Man! Before movies like Up and Wall-E, cartoons were making us cry with Bambi and The Land Before Time. You remember those scenes where you knew their moms were dead, but no one explicitly said it? Why would you put that in a kids’ movie? No, I’m not crying!
Day 26: How are you not sweating your balls off, I’m burning up here?!
Day 27: Why won’t you take the garbage out like I asked?! It’s like you don’t love me!
Day 28: Hey babe, where’s the air freshener? I have period diarrhea.
Day 29: If you sex me good tonight, I’ll probably get my period on time. Don’t play with my boobs too much, they’re tender. Let’s order a large butter chicken poutine afterwards!
Day 30: Need to go put on a panty-liner, just had some brown stuff come out. I guess I’m probably not pregnant.
Back to Day 1…