99 Seconds
I need 99 seconds of your time, just 99 seconds. (They began the moment you read the first word; we’re on 94 already.) I know. It seems like a lot to ask — especially considering this obnoxious block of text has not yet disintegrated into a GIF-riddled What Is Your Pet’s Spirit Animal? listicle or a Wedding Proposal Fails Compilation video or something that features cats doing adorable cat things (83 seconds). I’m not going to lie to you: this is just words. Laborious black spots that will probably hurt your eyes and fill your brain with ridiculously stressful tasks like making everything else up yourself. And I totally understand where you’re coming from, because I’m the kind of person who will straight-up snub an incoming phonecall to check a Twitter notification because I assume that the almost-always-less-than-140-character dosage of instant gratification might be more satisfying than an actual conversation that involves spoken exchanges with a carbon-based human being on the other end of the line (64 seconds). The truth is, I read an article yesterday; it was all about “The Age Of Attention” (that’s a blanket term I just made up for it, actually, the article dug a lot deeper than just that), our ever-decreasing attention spans, and how we as a society are not able to focus our minds as a result of our diet of bite-sized information nuggets, pop culture fast food, and brain crack ingested intravenously via the Internet (44 seconds). I wanted to see if I could communicate a thought to a reader (or readers if I’m feeling lucky knowuddamean?) using only this heartbreakingly naked block of virgin text — free of all images, get-rich-quick ads and/or cats — and only using 99 seconds of my time and yours. Right now, we’re on 24 seconds (assuming you’re reading these words at the same speed as I am), which seems like the right time to say thanks for sticking it out with me this far. It’s been a long and challenging road. But just think: there’s a brand new Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show Bullshit Karaoke Session a mere YouTube search away once you’ve reached the close of this God-forsaken combination of monotone pixels (18 seconds). There are literally millions of cat videos just waiting to be enjoyed as soon as you’ve wiped the sweat from your now-furrowed brow — the sweat generated by summoning the energy to read 450+ words totally bereft of images, videos or nip-slips (9 seconds). Considering the practically limitless options available to you out there, I’m honoured to still have you here this far down the page. Attention is a currency these days. So thank you for the spare change.
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