A Conversation Between 2016 & 2015 Me

Outgoing call: December 31, 2016, 11:57pm


This is it. Almost New Year. Finally, we can say goodbye to 2016 and welcome 2017 with open — yet cautious — arms. I give my mom a call, as I customarily do with midnight approaching on New Year’s Eve.

Hey, mom. Happy New Year!
Happy new year! But I’m not your mom. I think you have the wrong number, dude. I was actually trying to call my mom.
Wrong number. Who is this?
Ryan. Who’s this?
No way, my name’s Ryan, too.
Cool, well have a good 2017, Ryan.
Yeah, you too — wait, 2017? What about 2016?

In some paradoxical, time-bending, universe-shattering phenomenon, I end up on the phone with my 2015 self, who’s also waiting for the ball to drop — exactly a year in the past.

2016 me: So you’re saying it’s 2015, about to turn 2016 for you?
2015 me: Yes. Omg what’s the future like?
2016 me: Well, you’re a dad now.
2015 me: Shutthefuckup.
2016 me: No, you’re actually single af.
2015 me: Really? That’s unfortunate. What happened to —
2016 me: Yeah, that’s done.
2015 me: Seriously? Oh man, so awkward. I’m standing right next to her.
2016 me: You’ll be fine.
2015 me: 2015 kind of sucked, man. I hate my job.
2016 me: You’ll get a new one.
2015 me: Nice. 2016 seems like it’s gonna blow, too. I have jury duty in like a week.
2016 me: Bro, that’s going to be the most interesting part of your year.
2015 me: What? That sounds terrible.
2016 me: No, dude. You get on the jury for a murder trial.
2015 me: Whaaaaaaaaat. That’s sick.
2016 me: Deadass.
2015 me: Umm… what else happens in 2016?
2016 me: A bunch of famous people die.
2015 me: Betty White?
2016 me: No.
2015 me: NOT BETTY WHITE? I mean, I love her, but how?
2016 me: Prince. Willy Wonka. David Bowie. Basically anybody who dressed in purple. Muhammad Ali, too. Umm —
2015 me: Stop, stop. This is depressing. What else?
2016 me: Frank Ocean comes out with new music. Leo wins an Oscar. Oh, and the Cubs win the World Series.
2015 me: Is this “Two Truths and a Lie”?
2016 me: No.
2015 me: Holy shit, what about the election?
2016 me: What election?
2015 me: The presidential election, dude.
2016 me: Hmm… not ringing any bells.
2015 me: BRO, you know the results of the election and you’re not going to fucking tell me? That’s selfish. I figure the Dems will nominate Hillary. Who’d she end up beating? Cruz? Jeb!? Rubio?
2016 me: Mrs. Brady also died.

Find more of Ryan’s writing in The Bigger Picture, Human Parts, Endless Magazine, Life Tips, Slackjaw, Navigating the Sea of Singledom, and The Coffeelicious. You can also follow Ryan on Twitter here or check out his website here. He loves compliments and pictures of puppies.