A Conversation Between 2016 & 2015 Me
Outgoing call: December 31, 2016, 11:57pm
This is it. Almost New Year. Finally, we can say goodbye to 2016 and welcome 2017 with open — yet cautious — arms. I give my mom a call, as I customarily do with midnight approaching on New Year’s Eve.
Hey, mom. Happy New Year!
Happy new year! But I’m not your mom. I think you have the wrong number, dude. I was actually trying to call my mom.
Wrong number. Who is this?
Ryan. Who’s this?
No way, my name’s Ryan, too.
Cool, well have a good 2017, Ryan.
Yeah, you too — wait, 2017? What about 2016?
In some paradoxical, time-bending, universe-shattering phenomenon, I end up on the phone with my 2015 self, who’s also waiting for the ball to drop — exactly a year in the past.
2016 me: So you’re saying it’s 2015, about to turn 2016 for you?
2015 me: Yes. Omg what’s the future like?
2016 me: Well, you’re a dad now.
2015 me: Shutthefuckup.
2016 me: No, you’re actually single af.
2015 me: Really? That’s unfortunate. What happened to —
2016 me: Yeah, that’s done.
2015 me: Seriously? Oh man, so awkward. I’m standing right next to her.
2016 me: You’ll be fine.
2015 me: 2015 kind of sucked, man. I hate my job.
2016 me: You’ll get a new one.
2015 me: Nice. 2016 seems like it’s gonna blow, too. I have jury duty in like a week.
2016 me: Bro, that’s going to be the most interesting part of your year.
2015 me: What? That sounds terrible.
2016 me: No, dude. You get on the jury for a murder trial.
2015 me: Whaaaaaaaaat. That’s sick.
2016 me: Deadass.
2015 me: Umm… what else happens in 2016?
2016 me: A bunch of famous people die.
2015 me: Betty White?
2016 me: No.
2015 me: NOT BETTY WHITE? I mean, I love her, but how?
2016 me: Prince. Willy Wonka. David Bowie. Basically anybody who dressed in purple. Muhammad Ali, too. Umm —
2015 me: Stop, stop. This is depressing. What else?
2016 me: Frank Ocean comes out with new music. Leo wins an Oscar. Oh, and the Cubs win the World Series.
2015 me: Is this “Two Truths and a Lie”?
2016 me: No.
2015 me: Holy shit, what about the election?
2016 me: What election?
2015 me: The presidential election, dude.
2016 me: Hmm… not ringing any bells.
2015 me: BRO, you know the results of the election and you’re not going to fucking tell me? That’s selfish. I figure the Dems will nominate Hillary. Who’d she end up beating? Cruz? Jeb!? Rubio?
2016 me: Mrs. Brady also died.