A Letter To The One I Lost…

Dear Sarah,

I saw you today. I saw you and thought of how that was supposed to be me in there. It was supposed to be me who was holding flowers for you in that tiny cafe by the sixth Street , the one that was watching you laugh today, the one that was playing with your hair and your lips, the one that was loving you. It was supposed to be me. But sadly, it wasn’t.

Instead, I was the one that stood there and watched, as you smiled adorably at him just the way you used to smile at me at some point. I saw, you wore the bracelet I gave to you, on a date with him. Glad you took a part of me with you.

I am sorry I kept watching you two laugh and enjoy but something kept me rooted to the spot the entire time. Something in me that said that I deserved it. And I am sorry for everything I did. My heart felt like it was crumbling and screaming at me. That I deserved to see the hole I punched in the wall and feel the weakness I feel right now. And now I realize I made you go through all this. I am sorry for that.

I never meant to hurt you, I was blind. And so many things came up between us…and just tore us apart. I just hope you live a happy life and if this is the last thing you ever hear from me then just know I believe you can tear the entire world apart if you want to. Just know someone out there believes in you and please fight, fight for everything you want. I wish I could have been there but I screwed it up.

So I was the one that stood by the cafe and watched you give your heart to him, I was the one that watched him wrap himself around you when your fears welled up in your eyes again. I don’t know what kept me in my place, I don’t know how I did not walk in and break his face, I don’t know. Maybe every part of me knows, regrets and cares. It was so fucking painful. Yet I knew I deserved every piece of that pain. I am sorry.

Here’s hoping we fall in love again…someday.

Your friend,
Kenedy

Originally published at being1nsane.wordpress.com on June 17, 2016.